General Casimir Fox waited in distress at the short, wooden table in the corner of The Centaur Tavern cellar, dabbing his reddened forehead with a silk kerchief.
Pray saints above- pardon me my wrongdoings; let adversity pass my poor soul! Fox recited the prayer he had heard countless times in his childhood from elders. For the first time since he could remember, the chant of his words held a great fear and meaning as he sat there, the trembling of his body nearly moving the table back and forth.
Through his doubts, he reassured himself this was all quite inevitable and meant to be. From his boyhood at the local orphanage, to his bugle blowing for the king's trainees, to gaining rank as a general in close rank with the commanders themselves of the Provocation: an army of their own fighting for justice-- failure was all part of it.
Just earlier that week, Fox had been instructed to recruit his regiment down to Fort Pardanok near the southern borders. Weary and on edge, Fox's army lost cannons and swords, and had its resources coming at a slow pace. It was decided they would retreat from battle after losing more men than was safe to handle.
Worse than the forfeit, thought the general, was facing his authorities and spluttering the details of the truth right to them.
That, indeed, was what General Fox was preparing for.
"Casimir," a sudden, deep and resonant voice cut through his thoughts. Striding towards him was a tall, strongly-built man dressed in a longcoat uniform with ribbons of military honor pinned upon its breast.
Fox stood immediately, bowing his head a little stiffly. "Commander Akers." The commander, in return, waved his hand in gesture for Fox to sit back down.
"Now, Casimir, you may be as frank and formal as you like when it's the two of us."
General Fox swallowed and dabbed again at his temple as he seated himself once more across the table from his commander, trying at a sigh of relief.
"How's about drinks on me? I trust we have fine news to celebrate," Commander Akers continued, eyeing Fox with the twitch of his lip, the ghost of a smile.
The general's face dropped immediately. "C-Commander..." Fox, knowing Akers to be the kind with an appetite for filling in air with his own hot, wordy breath, safely presumed the commander would at least trail a few comments into his provided empty silence. On this occasion, however, it was not to be used to his advantage. Akers sat perfectly still and perfectly quiet, waiting, listening.
It was at this moment General Fox realized he had not taken the time to rehearse how the subject might come up. How might he begin explaining the retreat of his regiment? He knew just how to respond to any detailed question Akers had for him, without a passage into the blunt statement.
"Commander Akers... our regiment had no choice but to forfeit at Fort Pardanok." Fox's kerchief was now sopping with sweat, each droplet holding some weight of his worry.
He could not hold the commander's heavy gaze; then, just at the ideal timing, in Fox's mind, a lady donned in a short, ruffled dress walked up to the men at the table. She carried a tray of two plates in her arms, and setting them before Fox, spoke, "Two house breakfasts."
"Thank you," Fox uttered in reply and hastily tipped the woman with gold coins.
As she left, he slid one plate towards Akers, whose gaze did not flutter for a moment toward the meal.
"How many fell, Casimir?" questioned Akers.
General Fox sipped in a breath, but could not find the words to explain it in any way lightly.
"Answer me, sir, for it is your good duty! How many men have we lost at Pardanok?!" Akers now demanded.
Fox nodded hysterically, his heart pounding with anxiety. "Two-thirds of that regiment, Commander. And then some. We had little other option."
Akers pressed his fingertips together and sat back with a sigh containing his fumes; he stared at the plate where bread, boiled egg, sausages, and a wedge of fresh farm cheese were laid waiting for him. A standard peasant feast, it was; but coming from a poor home himself, he minded not the sight of it.
To ease apprehension, General Fox began to slice open the boiled egg on his own platter, waiting still in near anguish.
"Casimir," his commander began again softly, finding a calmer tone to his words, "the Provocation is growing its numbers slowly, while our enemy continues to fortify at immense rates. Even since the alliance..." He sighed, trailing off his sentence.
Fox swallowed a mouthful of egg. "It may take time, Commander. Many of the Provocation keep their mistrust with the Mahrs. They'll warm up."
Akers met Fox's eyes once again, and it shone through that he felt slightly uncomfortable having one of his generals propose such an extensive idea about the two parties unto him. One he neglected to observe, at that.
"...Aye; perhaps you deem right," Akers finally nodded once, yet still in some self-contemplation. "If the Mahrs at all have wit like you and I, they'll extend a peaceful hand."
Fox smiled to himself at his work. Hardly a dispute, and not a punishment in sight it seemed for him.
However, Commander Akers proceeded to interrupt these pleasant thoughts.
"And if they decide to cower back into their mountains, they shall wish never to have emerged from their mother's womb."
***
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
hello, i will probably finish the second part tomorrow or a few days after... i will try my best.
So here's mah stuff:
Weary and on edge, Fox's army lost cannons and swords, and had its resources coming at a slow pace. It was decided they would retreat from battle after losing more men than was safe to handle.... so like why? Why were they low on resources? It needs more reason behind it...
Ok so like when the other guy came in, i forgot that they were in a bar and it was weird. maybe that's my fault, but it brought the thought to my mind that you could remind the reader of the setting with little things as you go along, like "he couldn't think straight because of the loud noise of the bar" (you should definitely not write that because that was a crappy example) and those kinds of things can remind the reader of the setting
Fox's kerchief was now sopping with sweat, each droplet holding some weight of his worry.-- you have no idea how much i love this sentence. you nailed it gurl
OK, so i'd imagine the akers guy being way more pissed about the 2/3 of the regiment dying... like i''d be super pissed is 66.67% of men in a regiment died and didn't fight at all... make some drama happen...?
i like the style of your writing. yippee
so yeah. that's all. bai
coo. i should probably emphasize the fact that The Provocation isn't a very big regiment and that's one of the main reasons Akers is keeping his cool. but yeah I'll work on that. thx
Once again, you amaze me! I loved that I could feel the nervous energy coming from Fox throughout this chapter! I also loved the tension you wrote into this chapter and I could feel it seeping into my room from the computer! My favorite line would have to be "...they shall wish never to have emerged from their mother's womb." You make that sound like a real threat although we now say it as a silly joke "You'll wish you were never born". Great job again with this chapter!
Hey there, Firefly back again! I saw that you had made some edits so I decided to take a look.
We have an established setting! Excellent! By mentioning kings and cannons we can expect that this will have a medieval air about it and we can draw parallels from what we know.
I also noticed that you cleaned up the dialogue. It reads much smoother now and doesn't grate against the reader's ear when read aloud.
Other than adding in some more detail on the general and commander, I really don't have any more nitpicks! This reads as a great first chapter. Good job, and keep writing!
thanks so much for coming back xD! yeah i realized the first time I wrote this I typed "ammunition" thinking cannons in my mind, and not thinking that the readers obviously wouldn't know that... hehe
thanks again
Of course! As I said earlier, your story has potential. I enjoyed reading it and am curious to see where it goes!
Hey there ironnovelist, Firefly here for a review! I've never really been good at introductions so I'll just jump right in.
So the start of this chapter is intriguing. It provides mystery (who is this General Fox, and why is he distressed?) and encourages the reader to continue. The only thing I would suggest is, instead of telling us he's distressed or afraid, to show us. Describe his hands shaking or his eyes darting nervously every time someone enters the tavern. These actions from your character will convey the same sense of dread as your words, but it'll read more naturally.
My next tidbit would be to establish a sense of time. In the beginning of your story your character is waiting in a tavern, which automatically sets my mind to a medieval setting, but by this paragraph you mention ammunition, which takes me to a more modern time (guns, bullets, etc). Try describing the general's attire, or the tavern itself. This will help establish and clarify which era your fantasy novel is set in.
Be sure to check your dialogue. This sentence reads a little odd to me, as I don't know anyone who speaks this way. Despite whatever era this story is in, you want your characters' speech to be clear and concise for your readers. Adding descriptive words like "he slurred" or "she said, her lisp butchering her words" will tell the reader how they talk without taking away from the actual dialogue.
It's good that the general knows of Commander Akers' get-go spirit, but again show, don't tell. Readers want the writer to paint them a picture within their stories, not be told what's happening and who knows what. You can try to guide your reader into thinking this or that about someone, but ultimately leave the assumptions to them (ex: everyone knows what the Mona Lisa looks like, but da Vinci never left a little note at the bottom saying "this is why she's frowning;" he left that mystery to us).
This is what I like to call a little traffic jam. In this sentence you have too many commas, which makes it hard on the readers eyes and keeps them from progressing smoothly. Try using less words or restructure your sentence, like so:
"He could not hold the commander's heavy gaze for much longer, but with ideal timing a lady in a short ruffled dress walked up to them."
By smoothing out your sentences it allows your readers to continue on unhindered and frees up the highway (so to speak).
Again, watch your dialogue. Think about how you talk and how the people around you talk, because chances are that's the same way your readers talk. If you establish your time period early and describe the kind of man Akers is, then your readers' imaginations will fill in the way the commander is talking for them. For example, if he was a pirate and you made that clear early on, then his speech will read as a pirate's without you ever having to accentuate the "arr" every other word. Let your readers' imaginations work for them!
All in all this story has potential. I'm not left with any sort of feelings for General Fox or Commander Akers, a problem that can be solved with showing instead of telling. Clean up the dialogue, define your setting early on, describe your characters a bit more and you'll have a killer first chapter.
Thanks for the read, and if you have any questions feel free to PM me!
thanks! this is only half the first chapter, more of an introduction that doesn't exactly set the whole story up. these aren't the main characters, but I get what you're saying about showing more of them, although readers most likely won't be seeing much of these two later in the story throughout.
Ah, gotcha! I understand that these aren't the main characters but as the opening chapter of your novel you still want to make them interesting. The most crucial role of a first chapter is establishing the who's, the when's and the where's. When is this story taking place, where is this story taking place and who is going to be involved are all important questions for a first chapter and the key to hooking your readers!
thanks for the input:) i'll get editing soon. (I wish I didn't have to post these in such short segments- then no one would read them...)
You have some great dialogue between characters here. Although the story is not the type that I would usually read, it does seem interesting. The only thing was that it did seem kind of hard to follow. I would maybe give some background information or an intro? If you don't think that is a good idea, then I would expand on your characters so that your readers can get to know them as the book goes on. What's a good book if the readers are not connected with the characters?