(To my Great Aunt Gil)
Tick
Tock
I listen to that clock
Grandfather in the hall
And
I
See
Black cabs
Mayfair,
Glamour...
Oh, what a life could be
London
You swang through the 60's
No child to
Grab
Your hand and cry
A marrige of irony
Led you further astray
Dorothy
Riverside left far behind
No Toto to hold on to
Your place with your parents
Died
A world ideal
Compare it to
Social services
And
Foster care
I
Ask
You; did you know?
I think you realised at fourteen
Nothing comes for free
Including
A woman's mistake,
But a girl's.
Tell me
What did he say?
Invite you to his office
Concerned as your teacher?
Or did you
In a fit of
Rebellion
Against this Fucked Up Family
Revolt?
Was your aim to serve
As the albino sheep?
Difficult, I'm sure
As you live
Drenched in fumes
Intoxicated
Happy
As you
You cough, "Piss off"
I guess not, 'Auntie'.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,024 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
...Lol, ok...I'm going to write some stuff on my blog, for anyone who wants a vague understanding of this poem (after that, it's up to you to play around with my words
), because it seems innappropriate to write it here...
...Honestly, though - I am hideously misinformed when it comes to my knowledge of language 'science' as I call it; ie: the different names for things, like...staccato. So I wasn't really trying to shape it any specific way...it's just how it comes out.
I don't really like staccato rhythm, but you handled it well. I have a slight feeling about what you were talking about, but for those who aren't farmiliar with your life experiences, it's a bit...vague. Almost random. We have no idea what you're tying these images to, and so although it may seem good, it means very little to me.
^ Sorry...I didn't think to.
Please give items that contain the "f" word with an R rating from now on. Thanks.
I liked it. The stacatto rythm there seemed particularly apt - though I'm sure I missed some allusions (family-wise). It told a story. And I think the emotion with the impression of the character and her history were well woven. Abruptness felt exactly right.
^_^ ...no in-depth critique - but thoughts. I've read it over three or four times - just for the feel of it.
..Yeah I've looked at the whole thing...personally, I like it how it is, even if no one else does, but I understand why it wouldn't make sense to anyone else.
so it wasn't any attempt at everything, it just happened.
And (before you think I'm completely stupid lol) I do know what albino means...it's in there for a reason. Which...I can't explain, because I'm not in the mood to right now.
And no, you're right, I haven't even heard of 'cubism'
What is cubism, though?
Seriously though, did no one like it how it was?
This poem seemed....bipolar. Couldn't make heads or tails of it. It had too manyaspects, and none were defined clearly. It was like a literary attempt at cubism, without really knowing what cubism was. This was still interesting though. The bits are simply disparate. Reconcile the bits and you will have a good poem.
And, albino sheep?