Warning: This work has been rated 18+ for language and violence.
I had to remember how it all began, but I knew it would end this way. I closed my eyes, standing higher than I'd ever been, on the ledge of a tall building, far from where I'd ever been in my car.
Nothing comes to mind; I thought, moments before you die, everything you ever did or your memories flash before you. I seriously asked myself: Why are none of these memories haunting me? I tried to save myself from killing. I don't think even my brain has anything left to pull me out of this total madness. Still doubting my own existence, I talked to myself, really?...mm...madness? Is it? After all, everyone insists on calling me mental, freak, arsehole, dickhead and, for a limited time, captivatingly deceptive words like my love, honey, baby. The condescending serial killers. Aren't they the mad ones? Or the ones like me? Ostracised and finally finding my own way to a tall building because of them.
I opened my eyes to see this world once again, a world I once hated, and a world I once loved. I asked myself: What am I leaving behind? Will everything be all right when I leave this world? Will anything change? Will the world end? Will people smile more often than they rarely do? All I can remember is emptiness and the heedless melancholy of loneliness that valiantly approaches you when you are about to die with a snort.
I closed my eyes...
I always wanted to fly far away to a distant place. And I jumped, opened my wings, tried to fly away, but instead I fell. Suddenly I felt a push; oh, it's gravity, and suddenly I'm weightless. For once in my life I don't have any weight (although I felt like I did) to put in this world, as if I were invisible or didn't exist at all, as I always wanted, as everyone wanted me to be.
I open my eyes.
I can see the road, vehicles, and people. I'm closer than ever to fulfilling my long-awaited destiny. With the greatest sense of accomplishment of finally reaching my destiny, I closed my eyes (it takes so long to reach the ground from the top of the 15-story building, and I'm taking whatever time as I'd like).
I suddenly woke up, all sweaty and tired, and tried to regain my consciousness. I'm wet as if I'm suffocating in a heavy rain, struggling to breathe and trying to find out if my body is all in one piece.
“Oh fuck...um...fuck,” I said, continuing to struggle to talk. Then, like, sunlight streamed out of the curtains, and I saw this girl She was lovely like the prettiest girl ever! She was wearing those jeans that stopped above her knees, and a black shirt that was kind of short, displaying a bit of her navel. A lock of her hair falls across her face, the wind blowing it and making it dance. As she tries to tuck part of the hair slipping down her face into her left ear, she asks, "Babe, are you okay? "You sweat like a pig.” As I watched her approach like an angel, all I could do was smile a little. I realised I was not killing myself, I was being selfish and finding the right one. At the top of the building, I was looking for a vantage point to see the right one. I did not fall from the building, but from the summit of the reckless melancholy of loneliness to her heart. She jumped into my bed, came close to me with that sexy smile, kissed me and said: “Babe, you need a bath. Wash away the nightmarish thoughts, little one." I kissed her back and she pulled me close. “Dude! Take a shower.” Seeing her smile, I jumped off the bed and headed for the bathroom. As I walked, I turned my head and gave her a flying kiss, which she caught and pushed into her heart.
As the water fell on my body in the shower, I thought, was this a nightmare or a strange memory?
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,794 Reviews
This is interesting. In the saddest sort of compliment - you did a good job capturing the mania and dissolusionment that happens in the moments before someone tries to take their own life. That kind of ideation when realized very often leaves people in an emotional high before they do it because there’s so much (temporary) cathartic relief. I feel like that is felt through the repetitive questions, postulations about meaning, and the determination to follow through and jump.
It’s depressing: the headspace, leading up to it. But it feels close to reality - dramatized, but in the way people are.
I think you missed an opportunity to use the “I closed my eyes” and “I opened my eyes” line breaks in an optimal way. Since this seems to be a transition from a dream/trance/memory to the “present,” it could be cool if the “I opened my eyes” was used for when the dreamer wakes up.
As of now, the transition falls a bit flat with the: “I suddenly woke up.” Maybe instead of cutting to “I woke up,” describe more of the jarring transition. Waking from a dream that feels as real as a memory is extremely disorienting and I feel like that gets undercut with the short line of dialogue and the quick jump to describing the dream girl. There are also some formatting edits I’d suggest here for readablity: do a paragraph break after the lines of dialogue. It helps the flow and is standard for formatting.
I do feel like the end came a bit quickly, but this does read like flash fiction. I’d suggest throwing in a few more ponderings post-waking between your descriptions so that it doesn’t feel cheap to, essentially, end it with: “was it all a dream?”
Overall, not a bad piece! I think the dream portion is the strongest part of it. Conceptually, you’re there, but I think the execution of the ending/conclusion could have greater impact and pack more punch if you do some of the things mentioned above.
Thanks for sharing this! Keep writing!
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the nightmarish S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - The person decides to end it all, but they then wake up and find a woman who greets them. All seems well…but is it really?
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I personally don’t have any recommendations to make, I’m fine with this. If you want to edit it, then it’s fine, but I’m okay with this.
Chocolate Bar - I love the description of the woman! She seems so ethereal and yet, like there is something not right about her. The person was in despair and they may as well be dead…or not. The details here aren’t clearly described and I like that. It shows that something else is going on.
Closing Graham Cracker - The narrator’s memory is all fogged up. What is real and not real? What is a dream or reality? They cannot tell anymore, for everything is all blurred away. Blurred beyond recognition. A horrifying read and with that I wish you…
A fantastic day/night! ^v^
Thank you %u2764%uFE0F
I like this story, it says something about forgetting something. And then you try to remember it.
Like reversed psygology, where you try to figure something out where you already know the answer to.
Keep the good work up!
Yeah %u2764%uFE0F