Published April 4, 2010
Windmills break slowly
Turning spiraling, brazen darkness
Becoming larger, the depths of my heart
Empty enough to fill anything
Big or small, minute or vital
Are my nerves, shoot adrenaline
Breaking slowly
Relationships break slowly
Cracked edges, chapped lips
Needs balm, nowhere to be seen
Is my light, my sunshine
Gone into the wilderness
Without me, so I am
Breaking slowly
Life breaks slowly
Veils were meant to
Tear like a paper cuts
The flesh the imperfection
Of the skin, dying inside
Is me for my life is
Breaking slowly
Hearts break slowly
The color of red, scarlet
Lips touch mine
My breath
Being stolen from my throat
Underneath the organ
That beats to the
Sound of silence, its
Breaking slowly
Love breaks slowly
I fell, in your arms
I want to stay
Here where the sidewalk ends
Is where I have to stop
Pulling the catalyst
To do something worse
Than you breaking me slowly
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Hello there. It's always sad to only get one review, so here I am to review you, too.
You started out with a very interesting premise, however you switched to more common and cliche imagery. I'd like to have seen you expand on the windmills-heart analogy since it's quite unique.
Another thing I noticed is that your writing feels fragmented. It goes well with the whole broken theme you have going, but the inconsistent punctuation, cliche phrasings, and repetition of "breaking slowly" (and others) makes it more jarring. For one, you don't need to capitalize the first letter of every line. Generally, the punctuation of a poem follows the same punctuation conventions as regular rose. I suggest being more careful and consistent with your punctuation, cutting down on the repetition of "breaking slowly", and using more unique phrasings.
Speaking of phrasings, there were a couple that made me raise my eyebrows. In particular, referring to the heart as "the organ / That beats to the / Sound of silence" struck me as very odd since you were talking about the metaphorical heart, then suddenly anatomical, then back to metaphorical. You drift around a lot with your comparisons, in general.
Overall, I think this poem could use a bit more focus, consistent punctuation, and less common phrases. I also really think that comparing a heart to a windmill has a lot of potential. Would you mind if I used the idea for a poem of mine?
Okay I really like the image of a windmill on the horizon slowly breaking apart. If i were writing this poem I would describe its atrophy in complete, I would research a windmill and its components so I could undo it before the reader's eyes.
I see the flow in your poem, how things are breaking... but you move from something concrete into something abstract. I'd like to see everything be concrete, but symbolize something else. You know what I mean?
Honestly I'd lengthen the line and work on including more details... more concrete nouns as well as sensory details, and you know that I'm going to tell you to go and READ READ READ
best,