Published April 3, 2010
So....most of why I'm actually posting this is because I just want someone to say that "Yes, JC. You sound like you're on drugs." Anyway, enjoy!
Freedom rings
Across the small pond
With the ringlets, the circles, and the smell of dawn
Let me show you the way of the trees
They sway in the darkness beyond your knees
Walking into the night with the moon by your side
The sun has past left slammed the door wide
You’re alone now with the white
The silver the black the blue
The bruised snatches the cool
The peace is overturned
Freedom rings
In the forest of dreams
You have to catch them before they leave
You have to leave before you catch them
Your arms are branches
A jealous hue of periwinkle
Streaming out of the corner of the sky
Crying babies, blood kept secrets
Wither through the depths of your mind
Fray the string of consciousness, cave, you hide
The peace is gone
Freedom rings
Beyond the beach
The soft sweet shells whisper naughties
Into your ear, you laugh without a cry
The waters heal you, the sand condemns you
Laying on your back it’s a ride of pain
A sense of harmless danger
A feeling of invoking pride
You never know what the story ends
Caring is ignorant, the tide olden
The peace has come again
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,565 Literary Works • 673,441 Reviews
Hi,
You're right, this is a bit mad, but I don't think that's a bad thing!
You have some beautiful imagery here, and I especially enjoyed;
"Walking into the night with the moon by your side"
"Your arms are branches"
and the sibilance of "soft sweet shells" is great. The ending is very effective, and I love how "peace" recurs and progresses.
I think "Crying babies, blood kept secrets" is a bit much.
It's very refreshing to read something so different.
I showed someone a poem once in order to get feedback, and he said two things which I found really helpful, and which I think will help you here. The first was, in relation to a specific line; "You don't believe this." The reader, it turns out, can tell, so if there's anything you don't believe here I'd cross it out. The second thing he did was to pick one of my more elaborate lines and ask me to explain it. I could, so he nodded, but if you find you can't explain some of these lines I'd cross them out too.
I'd add punctuation but I think in this case, that may be just a case of personal taste.
Hope this helps.
Jas
I kind of liked this poem even though some parts of it don't make sense to me.
This is confusing. What do you mean by the sun has past left? Usually when people slam a door they are slamming it shut not open. I think you might mean something like The sun has gone down opening a door... I am assuming that this poem is about someones dream.I also found this confusing. I liked the "fray the string of consciousness" but, I have no idea what the"cave you hide" thing is about.This line seems to be contradictory because you cant feel like you are in danger when you know something is harmless.I like the first stanza of your poem and I think your poem has good rhythm. I think it could use some editing. I hope this helps Fiction.