Published December 11, 2008
I sat there watching the clock
wishing that the time would never come
I didn't mind staying after school or anything like that
but I didn't want to face what was going to happen afterwards
maybe being less impulsive would've been a good thing
but yet here I was
waiting for it to stop
and when Time stood still
with my granted wish
I would want it to begin again
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Canary word: Present
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139,565 Literary Works • 672,608 Reviews
Hahahaha
I actually got it
Even though it was said to be confusing XD
Idc what they said tbh
I thought it was ace
Were kids so who cares about all that jazz.
WE just wanna have fun right?
Unless you want to become a writer then you have to actually pay attention.
But I just do it as a hobbie, a way of expressing what I feel
I wouldn't read something like that. even if it is constructive criticism
Anyways just have fun
And write what you want and feel like.
It doesn't really matter what people think, just as long as you express what you feel.. Well that's what I think...
I like it. Reminds of the quote "Don't wish for something too much, it might just coem true"
Only thing I dont think fit is the last sentence, ends abruptly
Time.
the unanswerable question, time doesnt exist, I say, so on to you poem, shall we,
I quite agree with her, you need to split up those line or something, make it look batter,
the changing of tenses can be a problem, but at the saem time, if you still get your point across, how bad can it be?
I am horrible at staying in tense.
punctuation would be nice, but again, you managed to get teh sense of dread across quite nicely, maybe not dread, per se, but anxiety, at least.
so, thi spoem is, good, you seem to have a lsight flair for this kind of writing,
Great Job.
Peace,
God
Time.
the unanswerable question, time doesnt exist, I say, so on to you poem, shall we,
I quite agree with her, you need to split up those line or something, make it look batter,
the changing of tenses can be a problem, but at the saem time, if you still get your point across, how bad can it be?
I am horrible at staying in tense.
punctuation would be nice, but again, you managed to get teh sense of dread across quite nicely, maybe not dread, per se, but anxiety, at least.
so, thi spoem is, good, you seem to have a lsight flair for this kind of writing,
Great Job.
Peace,
God
This is too confusing and vague to mean anything, at least, for the reader.
I have no idea why you brought school up. I have no idea why you want time to stand still. Because, you didn't give me anything tangible.
Try again. This time, give me something.
On a good note, the ending was kind of nice. I wasn't so bummed.
Adrian
Helloo
tenses
The tense that i have put in bold is future, the one in italics is a mix of present- here and past- was and the underlined is past.
I don't know if you've changed tenses throughout on purpose, to emphasise the concept of the poem TIME, maybe? If you have done it deliberately, then i suppose it's an interesting device to use and relevant to the topic. If not, however, it can get a bit confusing for the reader!
Punctuation
I, personally am a big lover of punctuation, it's a great help to the reader. Sometimes, lack of punctuation is intended and can help the piece's effectiveness but sometimes it can just get the reader out of breath with no commas or fullstops! If I was you, I'd put punctuation in this, because i love the stuff! and I also think it makes it look more sophisticated, but if you intended the lack of it and happen to not like punctuation as much as me then leave it out if you so wish!
Line length
I thought that lines 2,3 and 4 were too long. I'd split them up into two or more lines maybe...
I liked the poem alot though. It was very intereting and intriguing. I particularly liked the first line as it sucked me right in and i asked lots of questions. Why are they watching the clock? Are they waiting for something? What are they waiting for? If you get the reader asking questions, then that is a great thing! ...Then i read on and discovered that they didn't want the time to come and i had to read on and find out why, but i didn't find out! This is a good thing though, i like leaving the reader with unanswered questions!
Have a gold star on me!
Helen x