Published March 8, 2008
Bright, boy eyes,
eat me with a glance.
Extending arms so rough,
feeling through every curve.
I crave you.
Trace me with your tounge of tang.
Heat me hot with breathing breath.
Oh,
this beautiful lust.
Dangerous desire,
to feel that painful pressing weight.
Each trembling limb
an exploding sensation
Ripples inch throughout me with that innocent touch,
slithering senslessly.
Keep me locked inside your box,
your mystic satisfaction.
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140,871 Literary Works • 673,696 Reviews
I think you meant "punctuation"? And how could it be both original and cliche at the same time? Might want to think about what you say there....
I see you added punctuation
Overall, not half bad. You have some pretty good description, and then you have some phrases that just don't add anything to the poem. Altogether though, a great first try
[quote="thebadthing"]Sweet, delicate face
Eat me with a glance
Extending arms so rough
Feel through my curves
I crave you
You
I need you
Trace me with your tounge of tang
Eye that embers
Heat me hot
Oh
You beautiful lust
Dangerous desire
Of your pressing weight
Trembling limbs
An exploding sensation
Ripples inch throughout me with that innocent touch
Look at me
Looking at you
Through you
Inside you
Look at you[/quote]
Poem was good but the poem needs punctiouation right now they all seem to be one big "Run-On" sentence. The poem was cliche and original but not half bad try to work on grammar and punctionuation. If you need me feel free to PM me anytime!
SimonCowellLuver
I agree with the repitition of You.
It kind of threw the poem off.
Rewrite it a bit.
Other than that it's preety good.
Welcome to the YWS!!!!!! There is passion and fire in this poem. It innocenlty uninnocent. I like this poem. You might want to space everything out into stanzas. Overall this poem was Muy Calente!!!!!
First off, let me be the first to welcome you to Young Writer's Society. Just so you know, we do ask every member to review two pieces before posting their own. This way, there is a balance of works and reviews. There are more rules as well, posted at the top of every literary forum, but that's the biggest one.
Now on to the actual poem. I think it has potential, but it needs some work. My main issue is the over-repetition of "you".
In such a short poem, seven "you's" is way too much. I'd scrap the last five lines and keep "I crave you" because it seems to fit into the poem the best. As for this "you"
Did you mean "your"?
Also, some punctuation and structure would help. You don't need to capitalize the beginning of every line, but chopping it into clear sentences and stanzas makes it easier to read and clearer what you meant to say.
I did, however, like a couple lines. "Trace me with your tongue (you spelled it wrong) of tang" and "Ripples inch throughout me with your innocent touch" are good lines. Try to incorporate more imagery like this.
Keep writing!