Give her the right shoes and she will conquer the world,
Give her the right clothes and she will take the universe.
And if every other girl has the right numbers
Then it’s time for you to bring those canons
Afterall the game has just begun my darling’,
The angel is about to be banished from the sky.
“And when does this game end?” you ask,
Well my dear that’s the beauty of it all.
For just when you’ll think the gold is yours,
That’s when another will wage a war.
So come inside and watch this show,
Watch how I turn the dove into a crow.
A sleight of hand and a turn of card,
Pay a little attention and you'll learn it all.
And if at the closing you end up with nothing,
Then just take another ticket to my screening.
And don’t worry my darling’ it’s not over yet,
For I won’t leave till you have everything.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Hey! Happy Review Day!!!
So this was certainly interesting, but there's a few things I'd like to point out, if that's alright with you.
First off, I don't really know what this poem is about! At first I thought maybe it was a feminist poem or something, then I thought it was something to do with Disney, because of the shoes and all... and I thought maybe you were trying to make a point by using shoes as a way to say 'no one can own us' or something... but now I really just don't understand it. I read it again, and I kind of am leaning to it being about gambling...? I'm not trying to be mean or anything... ah, it's just, maybe if you made it a bit clearer somehow? I think I am mostly confused because you started off with it about shoes, and then you kind of left that and went with the theme of there being some sort of game... figuratively, or otherwise, it was hard to know what you were referring to. :/
That's my favourite line! ^_^ I found it flowed really well and sounded just as lovely!
The second line feels a bit drawn out to me. I think it would have a better feel if you took out the a little and switched the you will to a you'll. Just my thoughts.
I've got mixed feeling about this line. I thought it was a bit odd to have one line that rhymed... it just doesn't sound right to me... but then, I read it the second time, and it was almost like it didn't rhyme at all, if that makes any sense! So I kind of like it, but I don't know! It's good, I suppose! XD
Great job! Keep it up!!!
-Socks
Hi! Well thanks for the review and the suggestions. Will definitely work on them. Okay now whats it about? Well i wrote it about greed. I basically personified greed and made her the narrator. So basically in the first para i am trying to say that everybody wants to conquer the world but since there is only one world, everybody out of greed decides to fight for it. Throughout the poem i am driving home only one point that greed has the power to over ride people's moral decisions and conscience and nothing is ever enough till one has everything.
Seems very cynical huh? :')
Either ways thanks for your suggestions. I will try to make the underlying meanings clearer next time
Ah, thanks for clearing that up!
Wonderful! Amazing job! Going to take care of the very few cons then go straight to pros. As was stated below just small changes like the caps on each line ( believe me im the same way when I say this) Also, this isn't a negative just a suggestion for the areas where you state Then or That's try reading it without the That's and Then, if it still sounds better with them leave it if not it may help hit the nail a bit harder( I apologize if this doesn't make sense). This is the only not so much cons I see now for the pros!
I love your flow and rhythm it grips the reader in and never lets go, in a sort of hypnotizing was. Your word choice is incredible which helps the reader as well. Your lines while short hit the nail each time with a better and more amazing line, you never falter in your work which is amazing. Lastly, my favorite line, one of them is,
"Afterall the game has just begun my darling’,
The angel is about to be banished from the sky."
These lines send chills down my spine whenever I re-read them.
Side note I forgot to mention also was, even if you re-read this work twenty times you spot something new each time, a new thought, idea, or way you used your voice to come of with a new input afterward.
My dear, you are incredible. You will make it so much farther if you keep doing what your doing. I can't wait to read more and see you excel farther and farther. Happy holidays!
~Fallen
Hello there... Thank you so so much for your review! I will definitely look into your ssuggestions.
Also, I posted the underlying meaning i wanted to drive home above (in case you were wondering)
Well thanks again!
Amazing, now hearing your intent and re-reading again its just that amazing
Wonderful! I loved it! Just a few things (small enough so that this isn't really a review), but don't capitalize every line. You have commas at the end of some lines so that means that the next shouldn't be capitalized. This is awesome, even without rhyme. Wonderful! keep it up!
Thanks a lot! And yaah... I will edit that bit. Makes sense!