Pugna: Introduction

Hey there, I'm Hawk and I'm here to review!

Okay, first off, I've got mixed feelings about this introduction. It's interesting, but the beginning paragraph especially was rather dry and cliché-sounding. However, it did get better as it went on, and by the end I am definitely wanting to read more.

Definitely check out the link that Lauren provided on Dialogue Punctuation, it is an excellent reference for all of those tricky little commas and quotations!

Now, on to the nitpicks!

thatboy wrote:In the beginning a war broke out between two of the largest and grandest kingdoms around, Kirpha and Sprosta. The conflict started because the kings of the time both wanted the same two things, power and money. The big difference between the two kings was that king Septimus of Kirpha sought power with the skill of reasoning and making alliances. King Ractus of Sprosta on the other hand had a some what different approach to power: through wars, cheating and scaring vulnerable villages and settlements until they were forced to surrender and join king Ractus’ growing army. When I first read the sentence in red, I was confused; the way you've written it, I feel like there should be more, and it seems abruptly ended. The war started when kking Ractus’ army finally crossed the mammoth and dangerous sea and first set foot on Kirphan soil. The invading army marched through Kirpha to the developing palacecomma burning and ruining villages as it went. By the time the army got to the palace, the king was well aware of their presence in his kingdomcomma but let them proceed to the palace grounds where he greeted them with a large number of his men.
“What is your business herecomma lord general I'm pretty sure the man's title should be capitalized.?” the king said to the huge man that stood before the Sprostan army.
“We are a small portion of king Ractus’ mighty army. The king sent us here to warn you that your kingdom will shortly be taken from you and will make a fine addition to our kingapostrophes empire.”
The king of Kirpha began to laugh.
“We will not be dictated to and I will certainly not give my kingdom up for your king or anyone for that matter. I’m sorry lord general but I’m afraid, you’ve made your long journey from the west for nothing.” The general sighed before saying-
“That’s what they all say”
“You have five days to leave my kingdom lord general” replied the king confidently, and without another word, the general lead his men out of the palace grounds and towards the boats to depart the island. Read it aloud, and the natural pauses and intonations you make when reading it will make it seem like it's the king that's turning, even though you said the general. Turning around, the king strolled back towards the palace with a little smirk on his face.
The king of Kirpha was a clever and wise man, A semicolon would be more appropriate here than a comma he knew the army and more would be back as soon as their king got the news of their defeat. Well, there wasn't any battle, just a plain-out refusal, so I wouldn't call it a defeat. Over the next couple of days, king Septimus had posters made to invite people to join his army, semicolon he had men to fix and rebuild the villages and small towns that had been damaged on the Sprostan army march through Kirpha. King Septimus had hundreds of new weapons built: swords, bows, arrows, axes, daggers, shields, spears New sentence starting here --> he had wooden towers build for archers to shoot from.
A week went by and no army came back to the kingdom of Kirpha, Again, need a semicolon here. The pause when reading is too long for just a regular comma. this news did not surprise the king, in fact he had expected nothing less. The journey out of the island would take four days at the least and then they had the journey back across the sea. This was the only thing that worried the king, if the unknown army has travelled many miles across the sea, then how much more developed was this king Ractus’ kingdom, after all, the furthest the Kirphan army had got was to the nearby islands known as the POTS islands which where not far past the horizon of the sea. Oh goodness, this is a massive run on. Can you read it aloud comfortably in one breath? If you can, then you must have some great lung capacity. You should definitely cut it into sentences, like so: "This was the only thing that worried the king; if the unknown army had traveled many miles across the sea, then how much more developed was this King Ractus' kingdom? After all, the farthest the Kirphan army had ever gotten to were the nearby islands known as the POTS, not too far past the horizon of the sea." See how there's some space to breathe?
A month went by and still no army returned, semicolon the king had expected to here some news of an invasion but no such news came. Time went on and on, men on the small command posts around the island became fed-up and so did the king. He tried in all his wisdom to work out why this army had not come back but despite all the different answers and explanations the king had came come up with, he could not produce a reasonable answer to his questions.
Eventually, the king got fed up You already said this in the previous paragraph, and it's an uncommon enough phrase to make it stick out and seem repetitive. waiting and called upon more volunteers to advance the small command posts into castles and his blacksmiths to make lighter and stronger weaponry.
Ten years later, the king’s castles were built and weapons made, fierce dogs and obedient horses trained but the army still hadn’t come. King Septimus now had a strong army that had been trained in all kinds of craft, posters were a thing of the past, people signed up as soldiers and instructors without any request, "and" should be added here; you've listed off everything that's happened, and to wrap it up, you need the connecting word "and." the old alliances with the mystical land of the forest Larda gave the soldiers, the instructors, the towns people and the peasants the opportunity to learn magic and respect for the beautiful land of Kirpha.
Years went by and there was still no sign of the Sprostan army. The king, now an old man lay on his death bed, he spoke gently to his only son-
“The kingdom of Kirpha now looks to you my son, you have a strong army and a selection of alliances that will gladly answer any call for help. As I have always said, never turn your back to any enemy and always think before you act. There are faithful servants of mine who will gladly help you if you are in any need of advice. The most important piece of advice I give to you however…” and the old king of Kirpha looked at his son strait straight; in the eyes and whispered “is to always expect to here that the armies of Sprosta are invading once again” and with that the old man’s head fell back onto the large bed. The old and wise king had conquered all the problems he had encountered in his long term as the king of Kirpha except one, the one that still troubled him even to his dying days, the one trouble that he wondered whether the new king, his son, would be strong enough to conquer.
“Why Did The Sprostan Army Never Return?” I don't like this. Just keep it as a question; no capitalizing each word, no putting it in quotes. Just pose the question.
Generations and generations of kings took to the thronecomma each presented with the same advice the first dying king had given to his son. And it was exactly five hundred and fifty seven years later that the word got to the king Septimus the 7th from the towers on the sea front that war ships could be seen on the horizon. The king panicked for a moment before remembering his father’s last words ‘always think before you act’ and so the king did, posters were reinstated upon all posts and isolated trees around the kingdom and people came piling into the army camps hoping to be the hero to finally defeat the army of Sprosta. No. Too long again. Try breaking it up after "Always think before you act," like so: "The king panicked for a moment before remembering his father's last words: 'Always think before you act.' So he did. (Then a new paragraph)
Posters were reinstated upon all posts and isolated trees around the kingdom, and people came pouring into the army camps, hoping to be the hero who would finally defeat the army of Sprosta."
Just a suggestion, there's a lot you could do with that. And it is at the time of when the boats were first spotted when our story begins.

I have to say that I really quite enjoyed that beginning, it makes someone want to keep reading. The only realy advice I can give you is to reread your story slowly so as not to leave any mistakes out. But other than that, I quite enjoyed it and I will be looking forward to more.

-iheartbooks

P.S. If you could, please review my stories: The Many Years of Lucy Bigello and Fairytale. A love story...

Thanks

Hi thatboy
I like this intro, it sets the scene for the story really well and it makes the reader interested in what is going to happen so they carry on reading.
I don't think I saw any mistakes, or at least they weren't obvious and didn't jump out at me.
I like the way that its 557 years before the soldiers come back.
midnightread

Hey thatboy! I'm Lauren and I'll be reviewing for you today.

This was pretty interesting, and I like that it's an "introduction" and not a "prologue". Prologues bother me. This was pretty good, and fairly interesting. I'm very intrigued by the Sprostan army, and how they didn't return right away. You have a good concept on your hands, it seems. I'm interested to see what comes next.

Nit-picks

“is to always expect to here that the armies of Sprosta are invading once again”

And it was exactly five hundred and fifty seven years later that the word got to the king Septimus the 7th from the towers on the sea front that war ships could be seen on the horizon.