Published June 5, 2011
Wild yellow grass stooped under its own weight, sagging more and more as it got nearer to the edge of the shallow pool. The pool was still and stagnant, and here and there, the odd spot of green algae stood out against an undisturbed black background. Rocks dotted and rose out from the surface of the water in the hot summer sun. On the other side of the pool was a dense wood, where damp, dead trees drooped slightly, casting shadows which fell silently onto the trees next to them.
On both sides of the pool, trees dabbled on the ground, though on the side where the grass was, a brisk rustling could be heard coming from the direction of the nearest town.
A man emerged from the wilderness and into the open, cupping leaves in his hands and pushing them outwards like a pair of wild curtains as he stepped into the threshold. The man was slender and small, he was of bony nose and hands, who's veins gasped for breath on the surface of his rough skin. Behind him walked a shaggy, black dog, whose main had been scruffled on the path through the trees.
The brown haired man strolled towards the pool, his dog, overtaking him, galloping like a horse to drink.
“Hey, hey,” said the man in a pleasant, 'at peace' kind of voice, found only by the type of people that have given up on society, and what society thinks; found only by the type of people that are completely comfortable with themselves and haven't got a care in the world. “Hey!” repeated the man more sternly as the dog drank from the murky, shallow pool. At once, he stopped gulping and ran back to his master who stroked his head without looking at him. The man's distant eyes looked out to the far mountains, who's blunted peaks arched and swayed over the landscape, casting a large black shadow onto the empty plains beneath it.
The man crouched by the pool and pulled at a strand of grass with two fingers. He dipped the grass into the stagnated water and swirled it around. Waves of filth rippled along the surface and reluctantly swam away, lapping quite calmly against the rocks but breaking instantly as they hit.
He sat contently, the man, and watched his anxiety be released with nothing but a gentle wave of his hand. There was no one to tell him to stop it, or tell him he is no good; he was free.
-But for how long?
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140,179 Literary Works • 673,037 Reviews
This is such a beautiful poem with incredible vision. Each line that you used to describe the poem I was easily about to see in my mind as I read it. I love how simple the poem is but also how deep it is.
I think my favourite line of the poem (though I really could pick quite a few) is " hands, who's veins gasped for breath on the surface of his rough skin." Though the sentence is somewhat sad at the fact that the man is old and possible quite tired, the way you described it I thought was truly brilliant.
The only thing I was unsure of in the poem was the last line. I thought the poem was really nice and I think the last night is almost to sudden and takes the poem in a completely different direction. If this is what you intended on doing, then I think you did it perfectly. I think it is because the poem was so calm and peaceful before but the last line always makes it feel like something bad might happen; and in a silly way I don't want it to end violently.
Another great poem, you are one of the few people on this site who I generally enjoy going on your profile and reading your work.
That's great. Thanks a lot. I actually wrote this over a year ago intending for it to be a short story. I'm currently writing a novel based around this scene. Thanks for the compliments.
Hello, hello! I so want to read this.
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I loved the first two paragraphs. Remember when I told you have great descriptive styles? Well, you prove me right, and I just love to be right!
There is one thing I noticed here, though. You mentioned the word "pool" a lot. I mean, it's used four times in only two paragraphs. I don't know, but how about you take the last line in the first paragraph: On the other side of the pool was a dense wood, where damp, dead trees drooped slightly, casting shadows which fell silently onto the trees next to them. Take that line and merge it with the second paragraph. The second paragraph is talking about trees as well, so it would look better. Also, you could use "it" in the second line, instead of "pool". Like this:
--On each of its sides, trees dabbled on the ground, though on the side where the grass was, a brisk rustling could be heard coming from the direction of the nearest town.
You know what I mean? Sorry, It's very complicated to explain that even I got dizzy. @.@
"Whose" instead of "who's". It's "whose" and not "which" like some people think, but I think you already know that
Alrighty! Have you noticed that there are too many commas here? You could keep it the way it is, but it's slightly strange. So, how about something like: "...towards the pool when his dog overtook him and galloped like a horse to drink."
As a reader, and not a reviewer, I think you should make it: "...the man in a pleasant and peaceful/calm voice. Remember that some readers don't like "kind of" words. They need you to tell them exactly what it is.
The green lines there were pleasant, but were misplaced! What do you think? If you put those lines separately before or after the dog headed to the pool, you'll get the reader to concentrate on the character of the man. But while they sit in the middle of an event like that, I have my mind on the dog and also the man's personality.
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I'm done here! You got me interested to know more about that man. Why was he so relieved, as though he was haunted by someone or something in the past? I want to know his story and I don't have to tell you that this is a good sign!
Need I say that your vocabulary is very sophisticated and calm? It's a very good quality and it's my personal favourite writing style.
It's just that you need to rearrange the thoughts and the lines you're giving to your reader. You know, like that last paragraph I quoted.
I liked it a lot and I want more. Finish exams fast and get your pen working!
Oh! Good luck with exams!
Hi there!
This is an interesting piece - I hope you're planning on making it into something longer. You have some lovely descriptions in there, especially in the first paragraph. The whole thing is quite short, so I can't comment much on the plot itself. I'll just start by pointing out a few nitpicks:
This description seems a little clumsy, somehow. The wording sounds a bit off to me, and it's a shame because you've described the landscape really well. The descriptive words here in themselves aren't bad, it's just the way they're strung together; for example, this part struck me as odd: 'he was of bony nose and hands, who's veins gasped for breath'. Maybe you could consider restructuring it a bit. :] And just a tiny thing, main should be mane.
I had to re-read this to get exactly what you wanted to say. Maybe it's just me, but it's not very clear. I suggest changing the bolded 'that' to 'who', putting a comma after the and, and replacing the semicolon with a simple colon. It seems more understandable that way. As you want, though.
I think you could safely say: 'The man sat contently and watched....' To me, it flows better that way
I liked this, it creates suspense and makes me want to read on. I hope you continue!
Overall:
A good beginning, with an unusual setting and an unusual character. I especially liked your first paragraph; the descriptions were great. Just be careful with some of your sentences structures, which can be confusing and make things sound clumsy. I have troubles with that too, and the thing that works for me is to read over my work several times, and make sure that everything sounds smooth to me. It's your call, though
Keep writing, and hope I helped!
~Lilicia
An interesting read. I like how I was able to visualize how exactly the story went. The last line was powerful, too, in my opinion. It leaves me wondering. The possibilities...
I quote the above ^
Should "who's" not be replaced by "which"? I think it would be more appropriate.
Other than that, I... don't see anything else that needs to be picked out. I rate this a 9/10! ^^