Denatured - Chapter 1 Part 1

by that.was.surreal.

  • Novel / Chapter
  • Romantic

Published September 17, 2009

Comments & reviews · 7
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Ella_Mercy
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Ella_Mercy commented Comment · Sep 23, 2009

I love the name Squirrel btw :)


"It works out. ”


THis has either got to be "It works" or "it worked out" or you conflict the tenses :) [[COnflict- im using that word alot now :L]]

Travis was always the one to lose his temper whereas Ant would talk things out, the sensible one, the peacemaker.


i changed the bold part :S

Anyway, your story has turned me into a total nitpicker but apart from that nfluence, i love it still :)

Also, the name seems moire relevant in this chapter.

Ella
XOX

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Ella_Mercy
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Ella_Mercy commented Comment · Sep 23, 2009

PArt 2!

((Im back :L))

I think I even stopped wanting Ant to be found.



Why why why why why?!?!

After all that time I really guessed if he was going to be found he would be found dead.


Oh, i got it :)
My friends worried about me, saying I should try and find a man.


Another man?

I tried a couple of times but I quit with one and the other quit with me. I was the problem in both relationships. I was stuck inside a black hole that neither swallowed me up nor let me go free.


I, I, I. Try and start one sentence with something else, to break it up a bit :P

Life just carried on with me not enjoying it,


Ack, im actually getting good at nitpicking :S

How about, life carried on without me?

I lived with Charlie (full name Charlotte) these days because she was the only one who would put up with my company and who had always understood why I was as vacant as I was. I knew one day I’d have to find my own way when she finally married somebody. I didn’t dread the day that news might come. I could work again. I just chose not to. I had some savings from the odd jobs I had done, and I could probably buy a small flat, but I just crossed bridges as I came to them those days. Outside myself, where nobody else could tell me I was wrong.



I like this muchly :)

“I’d recognise those blue curls anywhere,”


Hmm i always imagined her hair as red. Not sure why ? :L

He said with a touch of guilt, “Hiding from Charls.


Charlotte already has a nickname, stick to one i think.

[[I am so slow today. Did you name Charlie after Charlotte -unpronouncable surname-?]]

but I guess when Ant left he broke all of us together.


Broke and Together is another conflict...did you mean apart?

But that didn’t make him leaving right.


His. :S

We all felt the light go out, but when we needed each other he shouldn’t have made rekindling the fire so hard by taking his part of Ant away.


I love the metaphor, maybe say ANts Story instead of ant though...

He looked up with glassy sad eyes.
GLassy implys sadness anyway, so stick with just that.


Space!!!

Ella
XOX

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Ella_Mercy
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Ella_Mercy commented Comment · Sep 23, 2009

Hey Eleanor!

Ok, its unusual for me to nitpick but voila... a proper review :)

that.was.surreal. wrote:I spent three years of my life just trying to stay alive.


Gah, i love this line. Like she cant live without Ant, but instead of saying "I couldnt live without him" You made it more artistic :) [[Dammit the curse of he smileys is back]]

I couldn’t think about the way I was blindfolded before I even had a chance to look at his capturers


Personally, i would say captors here instead.


I could pass them in the street and never know, the deep threatening voices maybe just a sinster disguise.


I think i get this but the layout of the sentence is a bit confusing... Maybe make the second clause a rhetorical question?

My family and Ant’s family were there always, trying to help me through it. Ant’s mother was as bad. She just couldn’t believe the light of our lives was gone. Nobody could. From that day onwards it was like the sun had gone out, and it would never come back.


I like this for many reasons, but the parts i put in bold conflict against each other. Maybe say that Ant's Dad/Sister/Brother were always trying to help?


We all assumed he was dead after the first year. Even Ant’s mum came around to that in the end. Only I couldn’t let it go.


~Again, theres conflict in this too. Maybe say "Everyone" At the beginning instead of We. Everyone can mean "Everyone Else" but "We" means than Ren is included. :)


Of course I started my life again. I couldn’t become involved romantically again though, nobody could compare, and I was terrified it would happen to me once more.


1. Leave out 'Again', the sentence flows nicer eithout it :)
2. THis is just proper english, really, but when you say 'It' in the bold part, you are, by grammar ruling, refering to the subject you mentioned before in the sentence, in this case, becoming romantically involved. I know its irrelevant, but as its one of the very few grammar rules i know, i thought i should mention it :) To correct it, you should explain what 'It' is, but if you dont think it fits, then remember its irrelevant all the same :)

Run out of space :O

Ella
XOX

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Ella_Mercy
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Ella_Mercy wrote a review Review · Sep 18, 2009

OMG I know her name :) I love it ;)

Ooo I like it as well. Keep up writing :)

And Em, POST SOMETHING!!!

Ella
XOX

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Bertille Review
Bertille wrote a review Review · Sep 18, 2009

OOOO again. I think I prefer Travis at the moment. Ant seems a little...annoying in some way. Or at least he did o.o"

Now I can write my own. Check my place leter xD :smt005

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irishfire
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irishfire wrote a review Review · Sep 17, 2009

Hi there!

Wow, this is fantastic! I love it!!

Didn't really notice any spelling mistakes or grammar. Awesome job my friend!

Keep up the awesome work!

-Irish :elephant:

P.S Can't wait to see more!

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OxfordandOnyx
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OxfordandOnyx wrote a review Review · Sep 17, 2009

Hi, I'm OxfordandOnyx (:

I'll just drop a review in seeing as I really like romance stories! (:

Ok, so first.

The opening line was great, it immediately hooked me in...

In the first part of this half a chapter you give us a lot of background information, so we don't get into the section with speech and interaction with other characters for a while. My suggestion is to break apart the long introduction of background story and insert it into the part where you have Travis and Reena meeting each other for the first time. This is so you do not have six paragraphs of information on her past.

Character
I don't know what to make of your main character just yet, she is still mourning in most of this chapter and I can undertstand why. She seems to regard herself as a bit of a weak character and it would be interesting if she developes over the course of the story and... prove herself wrong!

I spent three years of my life just trying to stay alive.


I self-harmed till I was hospitalised, then I was put into therapy


Maybe have her looking back on her past whenever Travis says something that will trigger a memory.
At first you have your character feeling depressed about Ant's death and the way you portray her distraughtness (is that even a word?) is very good. However, when Travis comes along you have her say,
“Travis f**king Turner it has been two and a half years!” I punched him in the arm. “Where the hell have you been?”

I realise his apperance brings back many happy memories of Ant and he appearance is a little unexpected but would she really be throwing explitives at him already? She was just greiving a second ago and this is the first time she has seen him in years. This is just a little concern for me.

Description and Dialouge
There isn't alot of description in this text (character) but there certainly is enough. I am glad you haven't bombarded us with indetailed character discriptions as that can get quite tiresome. The informal chat between the two old friends, I like. However, like I said, it would be better to see the laid back interactions when they are re aquainted with each other. What I would like to see is more description on setting. I didn't know where they were on the first read as quickly skimmed past the part where you mention a park!

Overall
This story is nicly written. You have a talent as is it not easy to write about a character who is still dealing and greiving loss and keep us readers interested. However, you did hold my attention! The last line is very good. I already cannot wait to read on if you decide to post the next half of the chapter soon!
Good Luck and keep this great writing up!
p.s I was in a hurry, sorry I didn't talk about the plotline. However, it is only the beginning and I didn't want to go into detail about that. I want to wait till I hear more.

OxfordandOnyx



hop exploded again, someone get the re-hopinator
— vic