Free verse poem I wrote a while ago, may have subconsciously inspired my short story "The Enchanter's House:http://www.youngwriterssociety.com/topic56907.html
A man walks through my house.
He is not me.
He is strange, but not a stranger.
My cat recognizes him,
Though she would not recognize me.
I am annoyed.
He walks upon my cracked floorboards.
Stirs up dust, and frightens the dormouse.
He pauses, frowns at a picture that hangs on my wall,
Then knocks it down.
I am slightly angry.
He stands on my back porch,
Gazes out at my ruined backyard,
Spits on my dead grass.
I am quite angry.
He goes back inside.
With a bound, he is standing on my table.
It collapses under his weight.
He jumps to my sofa, which implodes with a loud snap and eruption of springs.
He snickers at the destruction he causes.
I have had enough.
I strain my rafters, work my floorboards to the bone,
And finally succeed in what I wanted to accomplish.
My floor opens up under his feet, and he is engulfed by my abyss.
I am the House.
And the House is me.
No one shall EVER,
Bother me,
Again.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Thanks for the reviews, I'll get to editing it right away!
Ha ha, this was a very clever piece. I really liked that the poem was from the house's perspective. Very fresh. Although I am wondering how a house can own a cat? Also, you used a very cliched line that made me cringe:
Like I have already pointed out, this line is super cliched. Furthermore, it really makes no sense. How can a house work itself to the bone, seeing as how it has none? Maybe you could put a twist on it and say that the house worked itself to the foundation or studs. Something like that.
Other than that, I really enjoyed this poem. I shall give you a star!
Hello!
I really liked this piece. The idea was fresh and unique and the twist at the end was very nice! I also like they way it builds up from being a little annoyed to extremely angry.
Maybe, though, you could try and either shorten some of the wordier lines or break them so that it reads a little more like a poem. This seemed to read a bit like a story.
All that aside, it was a very enjoyable read.
Thanks for posting and take care!
Vanadis
Hi,
I really enjoyed this.
I love how "I am annoyed" gradually builds up to "I am quite angry."
I love;
"My cat recognizes him,"
"He pauses, frowns at a photograph that hangs on my wall,
Then, knocks it down."
and
"He jumps to my sofa, which implodes with a loud snap and eruption of springs."
I think "my abyss" could be stronger.
I think I'd split;
"No one shall ever bother me again"
over two or three lines so that it has to be read more slowly.
Hope this helps.
Jas
Hello,
I have read your short story the enchanted house and I can now see where you got your inspiration from. I like this poem though the rhythm was off in places, try to remove some words from your more wordy sentences to sort that out. If you are finding this dificult read it aloud to yourself and then it should be clear where syllables need removing. A little bit of re-wording should sort this out.
Overall I thought it was very good, until I read the end I had no idea that the person speaking was the house that was a nice twist at the end. I am surprised no-one has commented on this, but hey maybe its just been missed.
Keep Writing,
~Lydia