One shoplifting and a raid of some person's freezer later, we are dressed in dryed clothes and eating ice cream out of the carton in a park. Charlie isn't talking much, but I'm pretty sure that's because he's still scared out of his mind. He said he's only been hunted for two months. He's never shoplifted before. And if the way he is gulping the ice cream down is any indication, he hasn't eaten that much in those two months.
"So what's your name, anyway?" he asks me.
"It's Bill, short for-" I begin.
"Bilbo. As in Bilbo Baggins?" he interrupts.
"No, William. Who?" I ask. It's like I flipped a switch.
"He's only one of the best characters of all time!" he says, then begins telling me about him. Apparently, Charlie is a mini "Lord of the Rings" nerd.
I interrupt him. "Sorry to cut this short but we should probably get moving. They'll start looking for us soon."
"Oh, yeah," he says.
"You still hungry?" I ask.
"Yes," he says, a little too quickly. We shoplift another grocery store and find an unlocked car with keys in the ignition.
"Can you drive?" he asks.
"Yes," I reply. I taught myself. He didn't seem that confident in my driving abilities.
""Come on, I haven't gotten in a car crash in, like, a week," I say. He looks at me funny.
"Joking, joking," I say, "Just get in the car before the owner finds us."
The tank is pretty full and the engine is quiet. We have a long way to go. The signs say that we're in Tacoma, near Seattle and the coast, and I want to be in Idaho before nightfall.
We drive the rest of the day and sneak into a vacant hotel room through the window. There's a small bed and a couch. I take the couch.
The next morning, we climb out through the window. As I walk around the corner of the building, I see a bunch of police cars and officers. I duck back behind the building, running into Charlie who was following me.
"They must've seen that our car was stolen. There's a bunch of cops over there," I whisper. Charlie peaks around the corner.
"We've got to get out of here. They'll be here soon," I say. If the police are here, They're never far behind. Charlie nods and sneak around to the other side of the building and run down an alleyway. We look around for another unlocked car with keys. We're having trouble finding one. This is a smaller town than I'm used to.
I sigh, "We're going to have to hitchhike." He looks at me with wide eyes. He's scared.
"Is that safe?" he asks.
"Safer than staying here. We'll be sitting ducks if we're still here when They get here," I say. Now he's really scared.
I go to a nearby gas station. I'm awful at hitchiking, but I don't want Charlie to know that. I have to seem completely confident.
I watch another hitchiker. After a minute or so, a car pulls up and gets in. I begin copying him.
It takes five or ten minutes, but a truck pulls up with a farmer in it. At least, that's what I think he is. He has a few month's supply of potatoes in the back and is wearing a plaid shirt.
"You heading South?" he asks. I smile with relief.
"Yes we are," I say. He glances at Charlie and raises his eyebrow.
"You're traveling together?" he asks.
"Yes," I say.
"You'll have to squeeze," he says.
"Yessir," I say, "We can squeeze."
End of chapter
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140,210 Literary Works • 673,042 Reviews
Hey there, following up on this here story.
Is this how Charlie describes himself? Or did Bill come up with this description Just seemed wierd since he doesn't know who Bilbo Baggins is, he would't know what LOTR is either.I have a question about this section.
I only found a couple little grammar errors.
Should be "sneaks" and "runs."
Your story is progressing nicely and I love your character's. Bill's fast establishing himself as a rugged hero that I can't help but fall for. However, this chapter is really sparse, not just in description but in action as well. Which probably sounds ironic because a lot happens in this chapter, but because it's so sparse it almost feels like nothings happening. I'm not bored, I'm just, uninvested. The nice thing though is this is easily fixed and indicates that you still have the roots for a great story.
You really do need to amp up the description though. Invoke all five our senses, what do things look like, smell like, taste like, feel like, and sound like? Pick a few scenes to really flesh out as well. I know a lot's happens, so you don't need to flesh out every scene, but take inside their shoplifting, car theft, and escape from the police. This is where you should put some of that description, and make things go wrong. Do they run into other car thiefs? Does Charlie's naivete mean they almost get caught stealing? Do they hear something and night and think they've been found? You can really amp up the suspense and tension of this chapter by making us feel like we're right there with your characters.
Also, give us more of your character's thoughts. What does he think of Charlie and his present situation? Is he worried? Last chapter you did a great job of making us feel the tension of the hunters? Of Billie's need to escape. but I didn't get that with this chapter. Make sure you keep raising the stakes. Keep the danger of the situation present. Make sure your characters are constantly fighting ti survive, and we feel that fight.
You've a got great thing going, and the fun part about editing is watching your story go from great to spectacular
Thanks! Your reviews have been really helpful and included stuff I didn't really think of. Thank you so much.
More good work Tally! I might come back and get some of the small things later, but I'm working on my novel right now.
Spiderman here.
I'm not the grammar police, so i'll skip straight to the story.
I love this sentence. it's a perfect way to start a chapter.
It would be nice to see how they escaped from the hotel.
Personally, I liked this chapter. Its fast paced and it looks likes it leading somewhere. However, I would like to see some characterization and a voice being developed. it would get the readers more intrigued and into the story.
Okay, my general impression is that this is a very interesting plotline. I haven't read the first chapter (sorry!) but it sounds cool. I'm guessing they're on the run by a hunter or something? Oh, but I did see that you were thinking of a title for it, and you wanted some suggestions. If you gave me a summary of your book, I would be happy to message you some suggestions for a title. I just have one suggestion for you; read and re-read your work before posting. Most of the things that I spotted were just little grammar errors, and they could be easily spotted. Also, watch your tenses. You switch them around a lot so be careful with them.
Anyway, this has amazing potential, and I love your writing style! Just watch the little errors, and it'll be great! Keep up with the great writing!
-Julie