E - Everyone

Abandonment

PreviousNext

Have you ever seen

The clouds detach

Away from the sky

The Sun Stealing

The gleam and brightness when the night sets in.


Have you ever heard

The tranquil tear

Or the quivering fear

Of a dew drop trickling down a withered brown leaf;

Or the screeching crow who

Tears away the silence of the night.


Have you ever felt

Like the long nights would never end

Or that the pain would

Never cease

Even in this city, however bright and lively,

Life is like a room where everyone is trapped in, where all can hear and see, but choose to keep the doors closed.

You, Have you?

Comments & reviews · 4
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

The very last sentence doesn't make much sense. I think it would be better if you said, "Have you?". That would flow better. The line above that is very long doesn't flow. Your stanzas have consistent number of words in each line, except there's one or two lines that don't go with the pattern. You can fix this, simply by breaking it up more.

I also think you should create a new line with "However bright and lively". It would flow better. The main problem with this poem is an issue of making it flow. It's a good poem, but if it isn't broken up right, it doesn't flow and it leaves the reader annoyed and distracted by seemingly random breakage.

All of your word choice and grammar seems to be right and correct, so that's good. :) It seems to be one of the first things you posted, so thank you for sharing with all of us. Just do a little tweaking and I can't wait to see more poems from you. :)

User avatar
Cheetah
Review
Cheetah wrote a review · Sun Oct 27, 2013 2:37 am

Hi, Cheetah here, ready to review this piece on Review Day!

I liked this. It's unique, it's repetitive, it just works. I like the way you start all the sections with "Have you ever _____". It gives the poem a sort of even feel, if that makes sense. Your vocabulary and description is also exquisite.

There are only a few small things that could easily be changed.

1)There's not much punctuation in this poem. Try putting a comma, period, or semicolon after each line.

2)I'm not sure if this is an error or not:

Away from the sky

The Sun Stealing

The gleam and brightness when the night sets in.


Is "Sun Stealing" supposed to be capitalized? I can't tell if it's meant to be a proper noun or not, so if it's how it should be, just ignore this.

3) This line seems long to me:

Life is like a room where everyone is trapped in, where all can hear and see, but choose to keep the doors closed.


Maybe turn it into multiple lines to help the poem flow better?

Other than those nit-picky things, this was really good. I'm looking forward to seeing what you write next. Congratulations on a job well done! :D

User avatar
emjayc
Review
emjayc wrote a review · Mon Oct 21, 2013 10:48 pm

Hello, I'm emjayc and I think that this is a beautiful poem. I truly love the imagery and, although I know little about poetry and could only hope to write something as amazing as this, I'll do my best to be constructive :)
The one complaint I have about the poem is the second-to-last line. Perhaps it is a style of poetry, but I find the length a bit distracting in the midst of the other shorter lines.
I love how you ended the poem with a question. Keep writing poetry because this was an elegantly written poem and I would enjoy reading more!

Random avatar
tezzle881 Comment

Hi all, would really appreciate it if you could comment on my work above :) Thanks!



As ideas are always better than their execution, so too must dough taste better than cookies.
— Horisun