my new life began
with christmas lights
and trust in no one
but myself.
and the days fell into rhythm
books in the sun
subways at night
my mind dreamt of magic
on a tuesday
i heard his guitar
his eyes were open windows
but they played tricks on me
and when he slipped
i fell with him
his honesty stained me
forever, like a tattoo
this life is not new
and my trust was stolen
stumbled away from me
and all i have are christmas lights.
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140,369 Literary Works • 673,125 Reviews
Kazey here for a review (Gotta get back in the lead!)
So, I really liked the way that this poem is minimalistic, without capitalization or punctuation. I think it symbolised that she's left with so little she can't even do such things as punctuate or capitalize, she just needs to hold onto the bare basics.
I found the line;
and trust in no one
but myself.
a little awkward to read. Perhaps it would read better as;
and i trusted in no one
but myself
To me that seems less stilted, but it's just an opinion. I really liked the last stanza and how it tied the Christmas lights metaphor together (at least I assume it's a metaphor). To me the last stanza was probably my favourite of the poem. Well done on such a well-written poem, and I hope to see more of your work around.
~Kazey
Hello!
okay, this poem, I halfway really like and halfway feel "eh" about.
I really like all the concrete images that you used to create an emotional landscape. The images of christmas lights, subways, guitar, windows... those are really nice. The length is also nice, and it flows pretty well.
There are a couple of easily-fixed grammatical errors
i know you don't have a lot of punctuation, but look at this stanza:
I feel like you really should have a colon or something after "rhythm," a coma after "sun," and a period after "night." The last two are a little negotiable, but the colon (or maybe a dash would be nice) will keep it from sounding we are falling into books about rhythm that are in the sun.
A lot of your other lines I felt like were just sort of halfway there. As if they are reaching at what they should be, but just haven't hit their full emotional potential.
for example:
This reads sort of stiffly, but I'm not sure what a phrase would be that would sound more natural. The line "but they played tricks on me" also feels like it isn't quite right.
A lot of the phrases are edging on cliche, and with so many of them on the edge, I feel like some of them stumbled over the line. the biggest cliche perpetrators in my opinion are "and when he slipped / I fell with him / his honesty stained me / forever" and "my mind dreamt of magic" (for that last one, it wouldn't be too bad, but you never really expand on it, and honestly i don't think you need that particular line. I think you could think up something more original and concrete than that).
I don't like the last stanza really at all. I mean, it's okay, but I like the poem better when it simply isn't there. You could just lop it off and I think the poem would be better. It would end on a stronger image (I do think the tattoo image is pretty good, even if the lines before it aren't really) and not over emphasize the things that were emphasized perfectly well. I know you want to tie a little bow on the whole christmas lights thing, but you really don't need to. It's a little much, actually.
But I mean, in all this is a pretty good poem!
Keep writing! I hope my review helped, but ask me if you need any other help with this or poetry in general!
~fortis
I'm-a go and review this poem.
I did not really like "stumbled away from me". The word stumbled isn't good here. It feels accidental in a pitiful way, where I would prefer more tragic. But I can't think of another good word.
This is the only branch I ran into while swinging on an otherwise pleasant swing of a poem. I appreciate your patience with my fondness for metaphors. I read it again and again, reaching a crescent of christmas lights at the bottom and at the top. Swinging back and forth, it's nice.
"Like a tattoo" is adequate, but "tattoo" feels a little pedestrian for an otherwise excellent poem. Why do I prefer something filthier. You fell into the dirt, it doesn't feel dirty. Today's tattoo needles aren't what they are in 1930s Siberia, they're all about sterility, god forbid you get sued.
I don't know, maybe I'm just looking for things to dislike at this point, since disliking is easier than liking. Take my efforts in pressing these keys as each a "like" from me. That's how much I like this poem, and thank you for understanding if I am having trouble expressing it.
i used the word stumbled to portray how the speaker felt naive for giving her trust away so easily to the boy, how she should have been more cautious with the way she dispensed her love. her trust stumbled away from her, because she was clumsy with it. however, do you have any other words in mind? how did you interpret that part?
now that you mentioned it, i agree with your thoughts about "tattoo". originally i used that word to imply something that can never be changed or removed, but nowadays they can do that too. thank you for mentioning that, i'll try to come up with something more suitable
thank you for your review, it made me realize some things and i appreciate you taking the time to write it
No, perhaps "stumbled" fits here after all. It's just when I read it, I stumble over it, pun mildly intended. As I said, I have no idea what would be a better word. I'm awful at writing poetry, though I appreciate the art form very much and enjoy reading it.
Thank you for posting a delightful poem. I enjoyed reading it.
Hey Dogs here to review!
I really liked this poem and I thought it had a beautiful meaning. I noticed you had a few errors or I will point those out, possible make a suggestion or two and then move on to the good part of the review!
Nitpicks:
*If I sound rude or harsh I don't mean to be, I'm only trying to help. If I do however, I apologize in advance.*
1) Capitalization: I noticed you didn't capitalize a single word in the poem. You need to go back and capitalize the first letter of the first word, at the beginning of a sentence. You also need to go back and capitalize the i's in the poem. Because i is a title meaning you, it has to be capitalized.
2) Punctuation: I noticed that there weren't many periods. Is the whole poem supposed to be two-three sentences? If not then you should go back and add some periods, exclamation points, questions marks, etc.
That basically covers most of the errors, they are just minor errors, that can easily be corrected. Everyone makes mistakes!
Now onto what I liked about the poem.
I just liked the entire poem, it was so beautiful, and I loved the word choice, as well as the way it was written.
You had a great piece.
Keep up the great writing,
Love,
Dogs
P.S. Welcome to our Young Writers Society community! I hope you like it! If you have any questions, comments, and/or concerns please let me know and I will answer any!