Attacked.

So basically, James and Katherine dated in High School. They broke up right before going to university. They were extremly close to getting back together, however James was jumped in a random act of violence and has been in a dowmward spirial ever since. This takes place months later (they are both freshman in colledge), physically he's completly healed. Pam is a friend of theirs, and Dylan is James' brother. Janet is a friend of theirs who used to have an eating disorder. It is told in 1st person POV, from James.

Nothing.

I am walking across that fateful sidewalk and I feel nothing.

I am getting thrown to the ground and I feel nothing.

They’re attacking me now and I feel nothing.

They’re screaming at me now and I feel nothing.

They’re laughing at me now and I feel nothing.

They’re running away now, leaving me to bleed out and die all alone and I feel nothing.

I am lying on the ground watching my life slip away and I feel nothing.

I am sitting on the hospital bed listening to the psychiatrist tell me that it’s okay to cry after a traumatic experience.

I am asking him if it’s ever happened to him.

He is saying it never has.

I am telling him to piss off because deep down inside I feel nothing, good or bad about my attack.

He is saying that I am only projecting my anger towards my attackers at him because I can’t tell my attackers how I feel.

I force a laugh out because I feel nothing.

Katherine comes and sees me everyday until I am let out from the hospital, this jail they locked me in. I cried with her once and she told me let it all out. But I felt nothing. I’m not even sure why I cried because I felt nothing.

I watch the police fail and fail in investigating my attack. I realize they will never find my attackers. I realize my attackers will live in freedom while I live with my memories and scars. Yet I feel nothing.

I return class with my casts and scars. They all star at me. Yet I feel nothing.

I start to fall behind in my studies. Yet I feel nothing.

I take a cigarette from Pam and smoke it. I feel nothing. So I take another and some just one more. And again, nothing.

I stop eating. I’m not anorexic. I’m not afraid of gaining weight, I’d probably look good with a little more weight on me. I’m just never hungry. I feel nothing.

Katherine worries about me and I know I should feel bad for causing her grief. But I feel nothing. I feel nothing towards her and anyone or anything anymore.

My mother cries and screams at me over the phone to get my life back on track. But the desire I had to be something in life is gone. I feel nothing.

Dylan tries to call me. I hang up on him but he doesn’t stop trying. I rip the phone out of the wall with Katherine watching in horror. Yet I feel nothing.

I sit alone locked in my dorm room. I do everything I can. I turn on sad movies, comedies, scary movies. I listen to sad music, read sad books, love stories. Yet I feel nothing.

I press the blade to my skin just praying for something. Pain, anger, sadness, something. I want to feel something again. Yet I don’t feel anything at all. Even as the blood falls down my arm I feel nothing.

I start wearing jackets to hide my attempts to feel anything at all. Everyone asks why I’m wearing a jacket in this hot weather. I tell them that I just feel colder since the attack. But that’s a lie. I don’t just feel colder. I don’t feel anything at all.

I feel nothing.

I stare up at my ceiling. It’s 3am and I’m still awake. I sit up. I won’t sleep tonight. It’s nothing new. I never sleep anymore. Not since it happened.

My life is divided into sections, before it and after it.

There’s two James. There’s the old James. The happy go lucky naïve wimpy head over heels in love with Katherine James. Then there’s the new James. The James who doesn’t sleep. The James who can’t walk to Katherine’s dorm without reliving the attack. The James who doesn’t care about anything. The James who is failing his classes. The James that doesn’t eat. The James who smokes. The James who cuts himself to try to feel something. The James who feels nothing at all.

The old James died the night I was attacked and the new James was born.

I didn’t mind not sleeping. At first I did sleep. But whenever I did it was only horrible nightmares. So I didn’t mind losing them.

I stood up.

You should eat James. You have to eat something.

Shut up.

There’s something wrong James.

Shut up.

I didn’t want to go down my hallway. But if I was going to get a drink I would have to.

I grasped the door knob. My breathing stopped.

Just do it James.

I walked down the hall and it began all over again. The sounds, the looks, the angry….the people….

I hate people.

I heard a creak and jumped. Was I on the ground again? Were they on top of me again?

No. They weren’t. They weren’t here.

You don’t know that. You don’t know who did that. They could be here. They could be right behind you waiting to finish what they started. They could be waiting to finally kill you.

I closed my eyes.

Let them come. Let them kill me. I’m already dead inside. At least the James everyone loved is dead. Might as well kill the new James too. The one everyone hates. Except me, because I am the new James therefore I feel nothing. Let them come.

So I stand and wait. I wait and wait and wait. But no one comes. For today, for now, I have survived.

Damn.

I get water out of the machine and then turn the face the hall. Was this hallway this long before the attack? Has my entire world changed or is it I who has changed?

It’s me who’s changed.

I sat on the floor. I was waiting again. Waiting for the why me questions to start again. I took out a cigarette and lit it.

“Hey.” Katherine said sitting down next to me.

“What are you doing here?”

“Hanging out with Pam. I don’t have any classes tomorrow. Her boyfriend is such a freak. Have you ever noticed that?” She said awkwardly trying to make conversation.

“Yeah.” I inhaled the cigarette.

She looked at me disapprovingly. “Still smoking, James? Whatever happened to your phobia of premature death?” She joked. I knew what she was doing. She was trying to make me laugh. It was what she always did. She would try to make me laugh but it would fail.

“Guess I got over it.” I mumbled.

“You weren’t in class yesterday.”

“I know.”

“You miss a lot of class.” She said.

“I know.”

“And you’ve lost a lot of weight. It’s pretty disgusting.”

“I’m not Janet, Kat.” Who by the way, is apparently doing very well. Christina told me that she planned to actually go into psychology and work with eating disorders.

“Well do you eat?” I didn’t respond. “How much have you lost?”

“I don’t know; haven’t bothered to weigh myself.”

She paused. “This isn’t you.”

I know. I rolled my eyes.

“James this isn’t you! The skipping class, the losing weight, the not caring, the smoking!”

“It’s me now.”

“You mean the new and improved post random act of violence victim James?” She said sarcastic. I tightened.

“I’m coping.”

“Really?” She said doubtfully.

I waved my cigarette. “That’s what my cancer inducing friend right here is for.”

“You do realize that you aren’t allowed to smoke that in here right?” She asked.

“Do I look like I give a damn?”

“You realize that about five point four million deaths are caused every year because of smoking? And that smoking causes lung cancer, emphysema, COP, heart problems”

“Shut up.” I snapped. “You realize you’re not a freaking nurse yet?! And that right now I don’t need you to judge me!”

“Calm down.” She said. “Because right now your attitude is ticking me off and you do not want Katherine Ann Tompkins ticked off at you understand?”

“I don’t see why you’re so mad.” I took another swing.

Katherine looked away sighing. “Why can’t you talk to me?”

“I’m talking to you.”

“No you’re not.”

“Actually Kat, I’d hate to bring this up, but right now I am taking letters than make sounds and using them to form words and then taking words to form things called sentences and conveying to you what I think.” I snapped at her. I wasn’t annoyed at her. Actually I was. But I was more annoyed at myself because I felt nothing.

“Actually James, you aren’t telling me how you feel. You aren’t letting me help you through this. You’re letting yourself down because you are hurting. And that’s understandable. But lashing out at me when I’m only trying to help you isn’t.” She looked down. I didn’t say anything. “Really, James, you say nothing?” She bit her lip. I could see tiny crystal tears form in her eyes. “Whatever man, you can’t say I didn’t try.” She said her voice breaking as she stood up and looked away. “Have a good life James.” She croaked as she walked away. She never looked back. She walked away like I had never meant anything to her. She walked away like I didn’t matter to her, that she had never loved me.

The old James would have cried and shook with despair. But the new James was invincible, he felt nothing at all. This new James was a brick wall that nothing could break. It didn’t matter how many thing were thrown, no matter how large or heavy or big or hard, the wall would never crack.

The new James would simply take another drag. And that’s what I did.