Published August 15, 2011
You gave me closure
Now I know it’s over
I thought I’d be more upset
But I’m just in a ret
Yeah I’m pissed
I’m so glad I didn’t get that kiss
It will be hard
But I think of you as lard
Its better it happened now
Your girl really is a cow
You can be free
But you’ll always think of me
When you find she’s been cheating
You’ll be leading
The anger will grow
But I’ll be watching the show
She’ll cry
And you’ll buy
You’ll start over again
But I’ll never descend.
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139,504 Literary Works • 672,591 Reviews
Hey Taylor,
I just don't like this poem. The topic is used over and over. Every rhyme after the original seems really forced like you used a rhyming dictionary for all of them. Anyway Nice try!
PM me or post on my wall if you have any questions!
-Boo
Harro, well, let's review ^-^
[/b]I've put the parts I liked in blue, and the parts I think may need a bit of work in red
I didn't find how the two first line made sense.
But with some work, think your theme will do pretty good ^-^
Charade--- <3
What's a ret? I seriously dictionary'd that and the best I got was 'soak in water to soften fibers' - and I don't think that's what you mean. Do you, perhaps, mean rut? Though that doesn't rhyme... hmm.
I feel like you're getting incredibly desperate with the rhyming. A whole bunch of wise people once (well, more than once) told me that not all poetry has to rhyme to be good. Sometimes it's even better with no rhyme scheme at all. My suggestion here is, since the rest of the poem rhymes, try to find a different word to rhyme with 'hard,' because 'lard' is... very, very desperate, and I don't think that's how you want to come across. If you can't find a word, revise both lines?
It's*
As I read, I noticed your rhyming was still desperate. Trust me, you don't need to rhyme! :'p You could probably get your point across very easily without the hassle of rhyming. Also, I was having trouble following a lot of your lines. You might want to add more punctuation or breaks so that the reader can more easily follow your train of thought.
Overall, this poem was alright; it definitely has potential. Keep writing!
Well, I came to this review with mixed feelings, from one hand, it's a bit too simple, too raw- on the other hand, that's its charm, the simple rhymes, the flowing, unpretentious build.
That is, of course, until you actually look at the words.
I have always had a rule, there must be a rhyme, but it must fit- You followed the first so eagerly that you completely forgot the latter: 'ret' or 'lard' were weird, but I could logically understand them, afterwards, it became such a whirlwind of words I couldn't follow, I honestly haven't yet understood the point of the poem.
I guess you're upset, a lot of people write poems when they're upset- most of those poems- much like this one- lack the sense required even for poetry, because after all the 'art is boundless' and so on, there are lines, limits, codes that must be followed, and anger is no reason to forsake those.
So my advice (with great hope you're not offended) is: take your time, relax, and look at those rhymes yourself, if they still look good to you, I'm probably the problem- but surprisingly enough- sometimes they don't.
Sorry if I've upset you,
SubjectBlue.