Young Writers Society

E - Everyone

tiffiany's new bow

by taylorisawesome2004

hi guys my name is Tiffany .i am called tiff so day i was walking in the park and i saw a store on the other side of the street.then Makayla .wait pause Makayla is my bff. repause mack was calling me so i had to leave before i left i saw the bow in that window.i fell in love. i had to have it so the next day i went into town and i went into the had left the window  so i looked around.pause just because i think we needed.repause...then there it was a green gigantic cheer bow i bought and went home.that night i was proud i wore it to bed's point of veiw she just vanished out of thin air i went in there but she was never found.

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117 Reviews

Points: 11345
Reviews: 117

Tue Nov 22, 2016 10:48 pm
Astronomer wrote a review...

Hello there, TaylorIsAwesome2004!
This is Moonwatcher here with a review! ^^

Normally short pieces such as this get reviewed and out of the green room pretty quickly, but I can see why it's still in here or why people are afraid to touch it. The sentences are poorly written (the readability itself isn't so good) and everything seems rushed and not very enjoyable. You should spend a little bit more time on your writing, and this could use a lot of editing.

What I mean by the sentences being poorly written is that they lack structure, punctuation, capitalization, flow, and there's poorly written things like "pause" or "unpause" or "repause" and such as transitions. I'm confused with where this story is leading to, and with the whole pause thing, you don't really resume what you were saying?

I don't like the character so far. She seems like the stereotypical "basic" girl who has a crush on every boy she meets, and there isn't any development going on with her. I agree that so far, this sounds like the common romance novel rather than a mystery/suspense novel.

What you have presented to me isn't something that catches my interests. I was thoroughly confused, and the plot doesn't make much sense to me. Now, where I'm going with this is maybe you should proofread this yourself. What I mean is to read it to yourself. Not in your head, that way mistakes don't slip through, but out loud that way mistakes are easier to find. If something sounds wrong, fix it. If it doesn't make sense to you, fix it. If something needs to be fixed, fix it. Fix it, fix it, fix it.

I'm sorry if this review was somewhat harsh. Once clarified a little more, hopefully this is more intriguing to the reader and some things make more sense. I hope my review helped you out, and have a great day!

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766 Reviews

Points: 650
Reviews: 766

Fri Nov 11, 2016 10:24 pm
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Brigadier wrote a review...

Hey there taylorisawesome2004. It's just lizzy dropping by real quick, so without a further ado, let the reviewing begin.

I have included some recommended edits but seeing as this is a review, I can't correct the mistakes myself. I'm just suggesting possible ways to make this piece better and more enjoyable for whatever audience you are pointing it at. I'm guessing by subject matter it is pointed at like pre-teen girls or something.

I'm a bit confused by the genre because it say mystery and suspense but all I hear is the beginning of a sappy romance novel. At the end I guess you were trying to lead off into a mystery of some sort but it wasn't at all obvious to the reader. This also sounds like it is leading off to another chapter or story or something. But it wasn't marked as such, so I'm again clueless to where you are trying to take this thing.

I'm extremely confused by the story that you have published here because it sounds like a cross between a short story and a script of some kind. It makes little to no sense, even though I've been through it five times now. The massive amounts of spelling and grammar errors really hurt your story. There's no plot, no nothing. I want to tell you in advance I am not going to say many nice things about your story because there is little about this story that is good. If you want to go on pretending your little chapter thing is as perfect as pie, go ahead, but in the long review below I'm going to tell the truth.

Grammar, Spelling, Typos!
1. The number one mistake I see destroying your story is not capitalizing 'I's. Usually I will excuse a few typos here and there but this isn't the case. This is really messed up grammar issue that isn't helping your story any. It's among one of the big things bothering me about the piece and it will most likely make other reviewers mad too. The mistake is inexcusable because it's such a simple thing to fix. Every I that stands alone has to be capitalized, whether it's at the front of the sentence or smack dab in the middle. Please, if you follow no other pieces of my advice, do this.
2. Ellipsis. You rarely ever need to use an ellipsis and I see nowhere in your story where they were necessary. You especially don't want to use more than the intended three because people get really picky about that sort of thing. Most people proofread the works the put into the green room but I can see you didn't. Please plan on doing so in the future.
3. I'm guessing the bold in the middle of the sentence was just a typo. If it was stylistic, what was your reasoning for putting it there? I'm very symbolic and cryptic with my writing forms so what was the reason for highlighting one word of bold in a sea of plain text?

1. You have run on sentences, incomplete sentences, some things I don't even think are sentences. Let me boil this down to the condensed speech because I'm really trying to help you as much as possible. You need to vary sentence length here and there, rather than having a huge junk of short ones and then a junk of super long ones. They all need to be mixed together so the piece doesn't sound as choppy and awkward.

Opening Line and Reader's Attention
1. Your opening line doesn't do anything but tell a reader to stay away. There's nothing exciting, gripping or fun about the first line that makes the reader want to read more. If the reader is still slightly interested in your story after this point, they'll read on to the second sentence, only to find the same uninteresting situation. You can use the 'My name is Tiffany' part but there are some other things you might want to take out. I've combined a set of sentences together in the form you'll want to use for the entire editing process.

Hey there, my name is Tiffany or Tiff to my friends.

I really don't like the 'hey there' or the 'hi' but I was just putting it there to maintain your style of writing.
2. Basically you need to go through the whole piece and show rather than tell. Describe the street, describe the friend, describe the bow. Spice it up, add some action maybe even a bit of humorous dialogue.

Change in POV
1. So I'm guessing the change in point of view was to create your whole mystery part. At first, I couldn't tell if you were talking about the character or the bow disappearing. I think I assumed the first because you character is so dramatic and simple.
2. Was she kidnapped or murdered or something? And I'm just guessing it is somehow tied to the bow. (pun intended) Like maybe to get the bow, she got mixed up in something. But you don't give any literary details about how she disappeared or anything which makes it really hard for the reader to want to know about the disappearance. Like you have to leave a trail of breadcrumbs if you want the reader to follow.
3. You need to note a change in POV better. Maybe put it in bold on the side of the page or at least put it on a separate line.

The Pauses
1. I'm not sure what was going on with the pauses/repauses. Like what even is a repause because it's not a real word from the real world. I believe you meant to use the word 'play'. Or maybe you didn't. I don't know at this point so if you could just explain the concept a bit better.

Okay I may have been a bit harsh in some areas but it breaks my heart to see pieces like this. Hopefully some of this proves to be useful to you in some way, I really hope it does because I really was trying to help your piece out here. You just need to work on this a bit, develop an actual plot, and get your things in order. Decide where this story is going before you write anymore parts. You might want to check out the Story Interviews club if you're planning on extending it.

Happy Writing and Good Luck.
The Queen of the Book Clubs

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hey i know i was just starting i was testing out diffrent things i will do theese things next time

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Points: 0
Reviews: 0

Fri Nov 11, 2016 8:51 pm

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