Hello there, TaylorIsAwesome2004!
This is Moonwatcher here with a review! ^^
Normally short pieces such as this get reviewed and out of the green room pretty quickly, but I can see why it's still in here or why people are afraid to touch it. The sentences are poorly written (the readability itself isn't so good) and everything seems rushed and not very enjoyable. You should spend a little bit more time on your writing, and this could use a lot of editing.
What I mean by the sentences being poorly written is that they lack structure, punctuation, capitalization, flow, and there's poorly written things like "pause" or "unpause" or "repause" and such as transitions. I'm confused with where this story is leading to, and with the whole pause thing, you don't really resume what you were saying?
I don't like the character so far. She seems like the stereotypical "basic" girl who has a crush on every boy she meets, and there isn't any development going on with her. I agree that so far, this sounds like the common romance novel rather than a mystery/suspense novel.
What you have presented to me isn't something that catches my interests. I was thoroughly confused, and the plot doesn't make much sense to me. Now, where I'm going with this is maybe you should proofread this yourself. What I mean is to read it to yourself. Not in your head, that way mistakes don't slip through, but out loud that way mistakes are easier to find. If something sounds wrong, fix it. If it doesn't make sense to you, fix it. If something needs to be fixed, fix it. Fix it, fix it, fix it.
I'm sorry if this review was somewhat harsh. Once clarified a little more, hopefully this is more intriguing to the reader and some things make more sense. I hope my review helped you out, and have a great day!
Points: 11345
Reviews: 117
Donate