I sit here in heart-broken pain.
Screaming out his tear-jerking name.
He's all I want.
He's all I need.
But he doesn't want anything with me.
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Canary word: Present
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Hi, fellow 15-year-old!
So, I get everything that you're saying in this. Also, I really like the way you made this so short. Short poems add more...sparkle? I can't think of the right word.
But, I do think you could've left the period out after 'pain' in the first verse. Spacing the first two verses out doesn't really make a lot of sense, because you're saying in the first one that you're sitting there, your heart broken, and pain filling you, but you don't say why. In the next, though, you say that you're screaming out his name, the name that brings tears to your eyes, the name that brings you all this unwanted pain. It would definitely flow better if that one period was gone.
But, of course, you don't have to take it out. This is merely a suggestion.
Amazing poem, Taylor!
Waiting to see more from you!
~Shiny
Hey taylor! Thewriter13 here to give you a review.
I like the concept you have here. I totally understand what the speaker is going through, and it's always good to write something others can relate to. That makes the piece even better!
So I think you can definitely enhance what is going on in this poem. I don't exactly feel any emotions toward the speaker or what is going on.
You tell us what is happening. Awesome.
But you know what's even better? Showing us what is happening and how the speaker feels about this "Him."
Torn to Pieces is kind of a cliché when describing something like this. I know it’s only the title, but try creating a more original title, one with a different metaphor to help give us a better idea of the emotions.
I believe the correct phrasing would be “But he doesn’t want anything to have to do with me.” That’s more correct, but it’s only a suggestion. I also think you should add on more to this. The poem is simple, and short simple poems are fine, but I think there’s more to this story than you’re letting on. Give us more detail. Why does this boy not like the speaker? Why he is all the speaker wants and needs? Be more specific, and with that, you can definitely beef up your poem and enhance it.
Here’s one way to do so:
“I sit here, in depths of deep longing, with a heart-shattered pain.
I sit here, depression crawled up inside, screaming out his tear-jerking, penetrating name.”
Obviously that’s not the best example, and I’m not saying you should rewrite the poem like that, but do you see how many emotions and images I incorporated in those two lines? See how much information I was able to give the readers with a few more descriptive words? Try that to get your point across, to make us truly believe the speaker is in pain because of this one boy.
Also be careful with repetition, especially since you don’t have many words in your poem to begin with. I always like to view poetry as a type in which EVERY WORD counts. With that being said, make every word have true meaning and purpose in your poem. That’s why, strategically, you should note what you want to repeat, and where you want to repeat it in order to make us feel a different emotion or something along those lines. So with your repetition of “want,” switch one of them out with a synonym, like “yearn” or “desire.”
Make more sense?
You don’t have to take any of these suggestions, as this is your work. Keep up the writing and poeting (*wink wink*)! I can’t wait to see more
~Thewriter13
hello there, taylor.
I like the amount of emotion you've successfully packed into five lines.
Only two tiny suggestions:
I think this poem would definitely stick out more and grab readers' attention if you used more description and imagery. I say this in about every poetry review I write, but it's true. You can never have too much imagery! The ever-so cliche, "show, don't tell" factor comes into play here.
Also, I think the last line could use just a few more syllables to make the rhythm feel more natural. My subconscious actually added a few words:
"But he doesn't want anything to do with me."
or
"But he doesn't want a thing with me."
or something along those lines.
That's about it! Nice job!
~iron.n
I like this. I think it might be interesting if you put the all i want and all i need with a comma like they are the same sentence. and I naturally put to do with me on the last one. Otherwise I think this is good for a short poem. Cheers! I think it would be really interesting if you added onto it as well.
Thanks.
I did consider putting the all I want and all I need in the same sentence with a comma. I also see what you mean on the "to do with me". I decided not to put "to do with me" because I was meaning he doesn't want anything with me as in like he doesn't want a relationship with me. As in there's nothing when I want something and he doesn't. I may consider adding onto it also. 