This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review as requested!
Interesting. So this is an entrance essay to the place you're wanting to go, yes? I haven't reviewed something like this before, though I'm glad to give this a go. I have to say that this is on the shorter side for an essay that's going to kind of make or break if you're going to be accepted here. Breaking up this into five paragraphs might be better at the very least with the first paragraph being split into two for a more organized format. That being said, the structure here is what needs work for the most part. Give us a conclusion and an ending. A reason why you should be there over somebody else. The paragraphs in-between I have to say aren't the strongest either and don't hold much confidence.
My biggest disappointment is that I didn’t choose to go to Area 31 Career Center for cosmetology. I didn’t hear about it until my senior year and I believe I was not able to start then.
This is an example. The "I believe" is what's holding you back here. Take that out. People aren't going to want to see that doubt since it's a bit of a turn-off. I'm not saying to be too prideful of course, though a balance or small dosage isn't considered narcissism.
It is a very clean, welcoming environment with lots of space and I cannot wait to be able to pursue my dreams there almost every day.
The 'almost every day' part is a little off since that's being too specific. That being said, 'there' should be changed to 'here' since you're addressing the school directly. The wording or diction needs work more than the actual content. I am going to put this in a different manner than how you'd usually think of writing an entrance essay. This, at its core, is a persuasive essay. That is the main skill here that's needed because you're attempting to persuade them over into accepting you. While personal goals and dreams can be important in doing this, also cite what you've already done to work with cosmetology. Give your past experiences as if this is a resume for a job. Neaten this out a little with that.
The first paragraph can be the introduction. Simple and not too detailed. The second can be about your personal experiences and why you want to pursue cosmetology. The third can talk on why you should be accepted and your past experiences in the field or in general with careers. The fourth can be the conclusion if you're wanting to stick to four paragraphs. This is only an example of what the form of the essay can take, of course. In short, organization is important, and so is being direct and impactful. The middle paragraphs should be the meat of the essay. The beginning and end should probably be similar in content and avoid going into too much depth. Their goal is to open and close the content. Overall, the content here isn't weak, though the impact of the work can be improved.
If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.
Points: 220
Reviews: 1081
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