God she was beautiful
But she tasted like cigarettes
The sweet rot of corruption
And who could love someone that.
Her life was one destructive decision after another.
Another guy.
Another lie.
And she was falling,
with no one to catch her
So she grabbed at the skin of the innocent.
As if somehow it was their sin.
She hid in her high, the illusion of flying.
But her wings were just fins
Barely keeping her from drowning.
They all said let go
What a waste of space.
Then all wondered why her smile cracked in that place.
The names they kept coming
The demons inside eating her part.
She hated herself.
She hated her heart.
And who could love someone like that.
So broken,
So shattered.
Her lips tasted like ashes,
After all nothing mattered.
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Heya, Happy Review Day!!
God she was beautiful
But she tasted like cigarettes
The sweet rot of corruption
And who could love someone that.
Look at the last line. I think you forgot 'that' so it reads and who could love someone like that.
She hid in her high, the illusion of flying.
But her wings were just fins
Barely keeping her from drowning.
I think this was really clever, well done!
The names they kept coming
The demons inside eating her part.
Should be say eating her apart instead of just 'part'?
You've written some really good stuff here, the feelings came right across to me.
Hi Tati; welcome to the wonderful Young Writers Society! I'm Wolfie. If you have any questions, please ask me!
What a lovely poem! I love the rhymes, especially for this part:
However, your formatting is a little odd. Most poems consist of several short lines, most of them simply phrases. Here, though, you have sentences grouped together, in mini paragraphs. Let's look at your first "stanza," and try to arrange it a bit, also adding in a "like" that I think you forgot:
This version flows a lot better, and seems more like a poem, ya know? Splitting up your lines like this:
makes it flow better. It also emphasizes the awesome rhyming you have going on here.
Overall, you have a really nice poem, but you just need to change the formatting. I admit that I'm not very good at poetry and I couldn't put out all the words that you've expertly displayed here, but I can definitely help you to polish it up! I'll let you fix the rest of your poem, but if you need anymore help just let me know.
Keep on writing!
Coming from someone who has a penchant for writing about damaged characters, this was pretty decent. Obviously the narrator finds this woman attractive, but he is also repulsed by the mental and physical destruction that has been inflicted upon herself. It's depressing seeing someone so...broken. And that line, "But her wings were just fins barely keeping her from drowning", that, for me anyway, says quite a bit. Her grace, as well as her freedom are dangling by a half-severed thread. And the self-loathing tops everything.
Now, in terms of critique, and please don't take this the wrong way, but this could definitely use some work. I realize this was meant to be a poem, but for me it doesn't read like a poem. This inconsistent number of syllables in each line gives this a choppy feel that is near devoid of flowing rhythm that people tend to look for in the world of poetry. What I suggest is that before you resort to getting rid of anything--which I am not saying you should--you should try realigning everything in a way that might make the whole poem flow better.
Like I said, I am only trying to help. Overall, I enjoyed this. Hope to read more.