Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language and mature content.
1. Docile
Malachi knelt, one in the many rows, lit with the small confines on endless rows stacked upon each other, front to back cascading with the view of closed eyes closed in surrender; murmurs upon murmurs of prayers. The air thick with dense, senseless devotion, the incense was lavender - nauseating; he watched with his head lowered but eyes peeking through lashes. The faithful - the flock - stirred within the confines; prayers on prayers filling his ear drums like obedient sheep; heads down, eyes empty, blended as one single organism; dumb and docile. The sweat clanged upon skin shared between their bodies breathing in rhythm; synchronised. Proper, potent, perfect.
Commanded by him.
He stood tall, at the head of the stairs, draped in gold, robed in silk. A serpent of a man whose eyes were sharp whose skin shone like scales and whose voice sang softly, swindling, slipping in their ears and into their hearts.
“To live in purity requires ultimate devotion. The world beyond these woods, beyond our haven isn’t kind to us. You cannot harbour questions,” eyes wide shut, “you must believe so you can bathe in the light; the Solace.”
His words, like syrup, intoxicated them; their cries were wounded like dying sheep. Sweat and tears combined into senseless praise and hallucination.
Malachi stilled.
The Solace?
The thought was uninvited - it was doubtful to Malachi’s mind. The words were familiar to him; repeated thousands and thousands of times; but never seen, never touched.
A thing? A feeling? A lie?
He looked around once more; eyes glassy; tears falling, caged together. Upon cries and wails; he sat silently looking at the Leader once more, charming and incessant.
Are you lying?
2. Doubtful
Morning. Prayer. Bread. Silence.
Afternoon. Work. Speak. Smile.
Evening. Prayer. Dinner. Bed.
Night. Thick. Senseless. Still.
“Solace,” Someone whispered, eyes closed as Malachi remained wide and ublinking.
The days fall together, the lines blur between the dates; passing by in Malachi’s mind following routine in silence, obedience and devotion.
Malachi was followed as such; murmuring every prayer with faithful action, singing every song with synced breaths, his stillness stretched thin between obedience and awareness.
He watched quietly; closely protecting himself from his swindling voice. He watched how the Leader’s silk robe would glisten in the sunlight, his golden rings wrapped around his fingers, his footsteps landed with rhythm; traceable to the one who dared to listen. The flock moved as one; eyes shut wide and thankful murmurs blurring the edges of devotion and insanity.
Malachi repeated the words that he would speak of, making sense of the syrup and poison; dissecting the numbing agent; the tranquiliser from the harsh words, from the truth.
“Humility is the essence of a pure life.” The Leader had sluthed. His words coiled around, slowly, smoothly and were sworn into their veins.
Routine repeated and Malachi noticed more; during the night the Leader’s voice would be clipped as the candles went out and screams would be heard; the doubtful were taken for punishment, returning with bloody marks and docile mouths taped with the creed taught by Him. Proper, potent, perfect.
They were called purifications, his throat burned, his mind ached. It felt that insanity was occurring before him; everyone nodded their heads mindlessly so their necks wouldn’t break from the weight of the truth. The humility before him seemed more of a lie, his life began to seep at the cracks.
He asked the question between sweaty bodies and seeping mouths in the dimly lit hall; murmurs upon murmurs of prayers.
“What is the Solace?”
The silence cracked, surrounded by wide eyes and open mouths and the Leader’s harsh stare, colder - narrow. Sharp.
“The Solace is for certain, it is witnessed by your heart not by your eyes. To ask is to be unsure, Malachi. You are not ready for the Solace.”
That night he was purified.
That morning he awakened.
3. Defiant
His soul was tired, captured in chains from taking the role of the lamb - from trusting his shepherd.
The purification was stamped on his skin; he was branded as impure, marked as defiant; someone deserving of punishment. He was red from the beatings and torture that occured throughout the night, he felt every ounce of his being lit on fire as the etched words into his skin. Proper, potent, perfect.
The Leader coiled around Malachi’s movements, watching him- waiting to see if doubt would ripple through him.
There was a crack in the window where they slept; rows upon rows of unconscious bodies, he moved quickly even as his skin burned.
No plan, just movement.
He moved barefoot and sharp-eyed, his feet on the soft grass, past the thick layers of trees and wood.
There he saw the moon.
His body felt light as if he were mist, stretching out his arms as if he were to be dissolved by the night, become one, a white ball of fire and be alongside the moon. No cries were heard by the chirp of night birds.
Then a crack - footsteps punishing nature with their feet.
He wanted to run but he couldn’t move; the peace was brief but it was his.
The Leader stood behind him.
“The Solace awaits those with bowed heads, Malachi. Those who are pure-”
“I will never bow.”
The fire in his eyes met the silence of the Leader, coiling, sucking, squeezing.
“You know too much.” He said, acknowledgement.
Malachi stayed silent.
The blind never return.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,734 Reviews
Hi tastychurros! First off, welcome to YWS!
Also, churros are indeed tasty. xD
Alright, on to the review: overall, I like the diversity of your style, like how you go through the day cycle in "2. Doubtful" with short words, unlike your longer sentences in other places. I feel like this is a textbook example of a cult and a character's attempt to escape from it. Right now, I get the sense that the Solace is a lie, but I'm curious about the purpose of the lie and what the world is like beyond this cult. Delving into the reason for this cult's existence and its interactions with the outside world can help you make it more unique and not just the typical "character breaking free from blindly following something". ^^ Okay, on to specifics!
You do a great job of making the atmosphere of this scene seem lifelike. I particularly enjoyed the scent-related detail; I feel like scents aren't described often enough in stories. This sentence did feel a little confusing grammar-wise, though. (1) I think you're missing a "was" between "air" and "thick". (2) "- nauseating" feels incomplete to me? I think something like, "The air was thick with dense, senseless devotion and the incense was lavender— nauseating, he thought. He watched with his head lowered but with his eyes peeking through lashes." would flow better. Other sentences in the first paragraph feel similarly disjointed. This is a nitpick, though, and can be fixed when editing later. ^^'
Nice alliteration here, and good use of repetition later on.
You do a good job of staying consistent with the comparison of this man to a serpent!
I really liked this section. The succinctness of it emphasizes the simplicity of life here, with everyone following the same routine every day.
How does Malachi know what the truth is? I imagine if he grew up here, he wouldn't know anything beyond what the Leader says. Or maybe it's obvious that what the Leader is saying is a contradiction. In that case, an example could make it clearer to the reader what Malachi's thought process is and how he knows to distinguish between these. :]
Ahh the descriptions are amazing here! (1) The feeling of freedom being shown through his body being light, the comparison to mist, stretching his arms, reaching the moon— simply excellent. (2) "footsteps punishing nature" is such a great way to add a detail to the Leader's characterization. The casual cruelty in that and the contrast between the freedom of nature and the control of the Leader is super well-written.
Well, that's ominous. 0.0
Overall, nice work with this, and I hope you keep writing! Let me know if you have any questions about my review, or about YWS in general, and have a great day/night! =D
Hii Spearmint (it's my favourite gum flavour!)
)
I would honestly love to delve better into this world as well! Maybe write more into this universe and perhaps expand on it too!
Editing is like my least favourite thing to be honest with u but I think I was trying to be to allusive with the language which is why it sounded like that but yes! I definitely need to go back to correct my grammar so it sound better!
I liked your point about his contradiction and making it clear that what the Leader says is a lie - I should make it more obvious what he's saying is too good to be true
Thankyou for your kind words and feedback so much!! I really tried to be good with descriptions - so it means alot that you thought they were good!!
Have a great day/night!!
Yay it's my fav flavor too!
And LOL yes editing can be dull, but it helps stories look more professional xD Ooh and alright, too good to be true makes sense!
You're welcome-- nice work! ^-^
Hello there, human! I'm reviewing using the YWS S'more Method today!
Shalt we commence with the macabre S’more?
Top Graham Cracker - Malachi is told that he will be given The Solace. Nobody knows what The Solace is, but they all know not to question it, for to question it is to sin and they must not sin. They must bow down their heads and be perfect little lambs. Easier said than done for Malachi, though.
Slightly Burnt Marshmallow - I feel like you don’t need to put “closed” in front of “eyes” because you already said that the eyes were closed in surrender, but if you disagree with me, then please ignore this.
Chocolate Bar - I like how this is written-It gives enough details to know that there is something amiss, but not too much. I enjoyed how you described the way Malachi felt when he was questioning his religion and what happened to those who were “purified”, because it’s grim and gory, it shows just how those who ask questions will be treated. And that ending conversation with the Leader-so brief, but so very telling. The Leader knows that he cannot weaken Malachi no matter what happens. His spirit is too strong.
Closing Graham Cracker - Overall, a rather suspenseful and a little bit scary story. I enjoyed reading this and if you ever think about expanding this, I would read the other stories. If not, then this is fine just as is. I hope that Malachi will be able to find some kind of freedom and…
I wish you a fabulous day/night! ^v^
Thankyou so much for your comment and feedback vampricone!!
Honestly gang, I might consider expanding on this - I wrote it as a one shot initially because I didn't think people would go beyond reading this but since people have read it maybe I will continue to expand on it
Also I think you're right with the eyes closed bit since its already been referenced at first - I was really aiming for 'motif of blindness' to show it throughout
Thankyouu have a great day/night
You too!