death

Tarameagan,

You're an amazing writer for a newb on YWS. I enjoyed reading your poem, you successfully brought across emotion well. However, your poem was choppy.

"Cant see , blinded by love
Hate life, to hurt to even play along
Pains high, cant anything go right
Smiles gone, never to be happy"

"Am i cursed?
Am i In hell?
What have i done to desirve this?
I would prefere death."

I highlighted these two sections to show you the differences between them. One is written for the most part easy to understand, you're asking questions, making a person think, but the exerpt above that isn't written that way. I'll go more into that one before I start on the second one, the one with questions is easier to critique verses the one above it.

"Cant see , blinded by love
Hate life, to hurt to even play along
Pains high, cant anything go right
Smiles gone, never to be happy"

Line 1: Can't see, blinded by love

I can see what you're trying to say there, but it would be more effective if you were to say

"I can't see" verses can't see, or at the least explain exactly WHAT cannot be seen. When I started reading your poem that's what I thought of, what can't be seen, who can't see? I wanted to know what point of view this poem was written in, and I couldn't see that in the first stanza.

"Blinded by love" my reserves for this one is the same as the beginning part of this line, I am filled with questions, who's blinded by love, how are they blinded by love, exactly what is blinded by love?

Instead of repeating what I've already mentioned, for lines 2-4 you've made it extremely choppy. The poem does have areas that don't flow at all. But as you continue to write, the rhythm of the poem is found, not necessarily as a song, but it has it's own melody that is found.

"Am i cursed?
Am i In hell?
What have i done to desirve this?
I would prefere death."

For this stanza, I want to stress the importance of capitalization. It should be "Am I..." being that I is a proper noun, stating who you are. The same goes to "...have I done..." the I should be capitalized, it doesn't just work for the beginning of the sentence, but wherever there is a proper noun, the first letter needs to be capitalized. But be wary of your capitalizations, you miss capitalized in your poem. In stanza 9 you capitalized the H in This.

Your poem was really good, all you need to tackle right now is capitalization, grammar, rhythm and sentence structure. But I have faith that you'll be able to do it. You appear to be a promising writer.

I hope I wasn't too harsh, but I see talent in your writing. You can go far if you smooth the rough edges. I have faith in you though.

-Passion

I did enjoy this and I could feel the emotion in it, however, as I am a bit of a grammar snob I can't help but find the errors distracting so I will list them/ show how to edit them and hopefully it will help (?)... sorry. :/

"to hurt to even play along" should be "too hurt to play along"
"cant anything go right" should be "can't anything go right?"

All I's should be capitalized

desirve is with an "e" (deserve)

To betrayed = Too
to angerd = Too *angered
To lost = Too
to embaressed = Too *embarrassed


"cant feel, Im numb with confoustion
Cant breath, throught choked up with my unspoken words
cant think, i just want to scream
cant live, im just not ment for this."
- Can't has a ' in it
- confoustion, im not sure what this word is (confusion maybe?)
- was throught meant to be throat?
-"ment" is meant

I apologize again for being a grammar snob and probably rude in the way I wrote this review but I strongly believe that with a bit of editing this poem has a lot of potential and would be a more enjoyable piece.

Happy writing!

Hey Tarameagan

The formatting of this reminds me a lot of my earlier works. Do you write in notepad, or straight into yws? You should probably invest in a proper word processor, otherwise that habbit of not capitalising your I's will be even harder to break, and you need to break it before you get too used to it. Getting your apostrophe's is important too.

Here's a quick list of words that you've spelled wrong too, that need to be fixed (again, a word processor, even something like Open Office, would pick these out): Can't, deserve, prefer, angered, embarrassed, confusion, meant, supposed, confused.

When writing poetry don't forget that you still need to use correct grammar in order to get your point across. Some poets can get away with using fragments in poetry but it's best to get a good grasp of grammar before you start playing around with it.

Just to start, every clause needs to be a complete thought and so needs at least a subject and a verb. So 'Can't see' needs to be 'I/you/it can't see,' otherwise your reader doesn't know who you're talking about. You do, and it may be completely clear to you, but to others not so much.

On the positive, I'm not really a fan of this kind of poetry but I think it's admirable that you put so much of your emotion into it, and that's good! Some people never really release their inhibitions to do that so no matter how good they get at the specifics their work is always dry and hollow.

My main suggestions to you is just to clean up the spelling and stuff using a word processor, and try playing around with other emotions, maybe some more positive ones, and see how it all works out.

Keep it up!