Published October 9, 2016
Beyond imagination lies an ocean
An ocean of beauty
Full of mermaids
Wandering like a firefly
They glow in their own world
Spreading love
Like a sun showering the light
Forever and ever
As soon as the tide rushes
Just like an uninvited guest
Diluting the beauty
With birth of anguish
And mermaids turn into
Shivering corals
And the world of joy
Closes its shutter .
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140,620 Literary Works • 673,556 Reviews
Ayyyyy!
Quick and easy, this is heavily one-dimensional with no real meat to consume other than rainbows and sunshine--and while that's good for a gloomy day when someone may need rainbows and sunshine, it's not quite substantive enough to constitute quality poetry.
Metaphorically speaking, mermaids in the traditional mythos are vile creatures who seduce seafaring men and consume their flesh beneath the waters which...I have to admit, kinda brightens my day, just thinking about in the context of all of this. But no, it doesn't match what you've given us because you're working off the Disney format of The Little Mermaid, and so it's operating on a lower age level. So imagining this in a voice to be read to children, it works much better? Yes.
However, once those children actually learn real mythology, they're going to be horrified. But sticking with the motif:
the premise you have is that fantasy is gorgeous and alive and, as soon as you get a glimpse of it, reality turns it into the hard, normal thing we see and know to be real.
So not so great for the gloom and doom days. I'm okay with this. Less one-dimensional, but still overly sweet for the first three quarters. Honestly, if you're gonna run with the Disney mermaid vibe, run the whole nine yards with it and make it unbelievably sweet and fanciful. Take it over the top and make it overwhelmingly beautiful so that the contrast is stark and leaves us struck by something noteworthy. Make the poem noteworthy.
Otherwise, decent job. Imagining this as read by Melissa McCarthy, not gonna lie. She'd be killer at it.
Ty
thanks for the review. I have changed the character of mermaids and it's not what goes with the myth. It's just an imaginary poem.
Hey, Dogs here to review!
So first off I really loved this poem. It was so... Imaginative and fantasized. I love fantasy and mermaids. It's great to see that someone probably appreciates myths and fantasy as much as I do!
Now let's get into the actual review.
There is really nothing bad about this poem other than grammar, but you already talked about that in the description and how it was supposed to be bad, so that we'll skip. (even though it's really bothering me because I'm like a grammar freak xD) It's cool!
I love the word choice you choose to use in this poem. Such as anguish, shivering, diluting and so much more. You had a fabulous vocabulary for this poem and it amazed me!
That's pretty much all I have for you, most of the time I write longer reviews, but yeah....
Anyway I really loved this poem and the imagination and fantasy in it!
Keep up the great writing,
Love,
Dogs
thanks for the review
Of course! What are friends for! <3
~Dogs
yeah
We are a kind of pen-friend lol!!!
Yeah! xD!