Published September 30, 2011
Um... I like some parts of this, but I'm not sure about others... There's a story behind this, just so you know parts that seem to not make sense like 'absent at noon', have an actual meaning. Also, soft light is an object in relevance to a light source, the farther away it is, the more dilated the light seems, the closer it is, the harder it seems.
Class, take out your notebooks,
Your pencils, and binders,
And observe!
But look carefully.
Notice how the dye fades from her tips,
And how she picks at her polish.
Notice how she clenches her jaw,
And looks down at her feet.
Do you see the cracks under her lipstick,
Or how she tugs at her shirt repeatedly?
I wonder--
Wait, stop!
Don't take notes,
Don't let her see your pencils move.
All you must remember,
Is that with a microscope,
You can see her intelligence,
Her unrewarded talents and intellectuality.
Now students,
Know this girl not for her current condition,
But for what she doesn't know she can be.
What would we call her?
Anyone, can anyone give an answer?
Well, this individual,
Who hides at noon,
Inhabits the soft light.
As she leaves,
Please write down one thing.
Write a note,
A message,
Words to tame a famished mind,
Something to put color in her cheeks.
Why?
Well, let me tell you:
This girl in the soft light
Doesn't know the safety of the streets.
She won't let herself get any closer
To the sun or even the moon.
Night is not purely black,
And day lasts longer than she thinks.
And to the girl in the soft light:
While we can't escape our shadow,
We can learn to look away.
Observe the world on different planes;
The distance isn't as great as it seems.
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Canary word: Present
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Thanks! I actually really agree with your suggestions, I'll play arous with it
Hey talkingbird,
Wow. Let me get my constructive criticism out of the way first, before I spill out my love for this.
Just a little note, with the (very few) parts that don't make sense, maybe detail them a little more,
so us, as your audience will understand and connect with you and your poetry better. Now for my love
spill...(This is totally unecessary and you don't need to read it...)
Wow (again). It was written in simple terms but was incredibly power and absolutely inspirational.
The last line especially - mind if that goes down in my quote book? You worded it so well and you presented
it so well - the concept of a teacher educating a group of students - original, creative and it worked!
I loved it so much for this and you didn't lose character through the poem - it was definitely consistant.
Wow. Miyakko.
Oh my god, this is really good!
I loved the fact that the class is kind of 'studying' you, it's very original, and very true as well, I think it is that we often don't notice the real people from outside...
I didn't notice any grammar mistakes, and other than that, the words "disprove inadequacy" sound awkward purely because all the words before were quite simple, and these words are more complex.
Otherwise, very original, I like it, keep writing:) xx