Published December 9, 2011
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139,491 Literary Works • 672,583 Reviews
Here, as I said I would be. This poem interested me the most so let's see what we have here.
So, looking at this as a reader, the first thing I come to appreciate about the piece is the honesty. It sounds pretty raw... not much editing, or at least not as thoroughly tweaked as the typical write. It gave the piece a sense of sincerity, which I thoroughly enjoyed. For example, this:
and pretty much the entire second stanza is wonderful. Absolutely wonderful.
Now, coming from a reviewer's perspective... while I understand how releasing your thoughts and emotions can lead to a flood of words that just keep pouring out until you realize that you've written the longest poem in the history of longest poems, it never hurts to go back and trim your work. I don't care so much about grammatical errors because poetry tends to defy the laws of grammar anyway. However, poetry usually leans more towards being concise. I read this over a few times, and one major issue with the piece is that it's so drawn out, and there are a lot of lines you could completely expunge and nobody would know the difference because they're pretty much irrelevant, or just extra fluff to throw into the mix. That obviously gives the poem a lot of length, and it's easy to get lost in so much content.. especially in poetry, where there's less dancing around the subject and more going straight for the kill. I suggest going through and picking out the lines really serve their purpose, keep those, and scrap the ones that are just there for show.
This one ties with the above paragraph, but whatever. It feels like in the first stanza, there's a barrier between the audience and the speaker. It's not until the second stanza that I start to feel a slight connection between what you're writing and what I'm feeling. That sort of made the poem difficult to really get into at first, but regardless, I was focused by the end.
That's about it. Sorry it's not much of a review, but hopefully it helps some. I really liked this piece and enjoyed reading it. Criticism totally open for rejection, of course, but give it some thought. Keep it up.
I had a hard time getting into this poem. Maybe it was how long it was, or just the grammar in it. I kind of liked how you wrote it as though it weren't from a person's point of view, but rather emotion, but sometimes the improper grammar just confused me, and made it difficult to read. This is a good start to a poem, but my suggestion would be to go back, fix some of the grammar in a few spots just to make it readable, and edit out any lines that aren't absolutely necessary. Just so it doesn't seem like it just goes on and on.
For instance, in this part, I had a hard time trying to understand what you were saying. Especially the line "No where I want to go." Just going back over these would help this I think a lot.
Good luck and keep writing.
well, I liked how you linked the emotion all the way through rather than just having 1 emotional part out of it all. Really good:) keep it up.
I love how your poetry feels genuine and how the emotions are beautifully expressed in such words like 'selective permeability'. The flow of thought brought out the pent up emotion well. The idea is brought out through simplicity which enhances the depth of the poem.
However I do think there can be some improvements:
I feel that your enjambments and paragraphing are a little awkward such as in the line 'Can an office (next line) That.....'. I suggest that you use enjambments in connection with your poem, for example when you need to emphasise on a certain line etc.
Overall,it is a great poem! Keep writing!