Published August 4, 2011
About an ED unit a hospital...
Here, we are not people,
We are not our inaudible screams and tears too transparent to see.
Not even murky puddles of mistakes and traumas.
We are only one thing here:
Patients.
quiet, quiet, patience
Experiment at will.
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139,050 Literary Works • 672,402 Reviews
I Like this. The title is cool.
I agree with justtrying about the length, extend it.
And i like the line "quiet, quiet, patience" but again i agree with Justtrying, it needs to be bigger.
But other than that, I really like this. Keep Writing
First of, I like the title. (I really don't know why, though... :O)
Second, try extending the poem a little bit more. No doubt, its really good, but its short. Before I could really appreciate it, it got over.
Just so that I'm clear. This line:
"About an ED unit a the hospital."
A/the? I didn't get that. In a hospital? In the hospital?
Also, is that in the poem, or just to tell us what the poem is about. If its the latter, shall I suggest the spoiler? (What is it with me and my rhyme-y reviews! Dx This is the 7th one today, I tell you!)
This line:
"...tears to transparent to see."
I think you meant, tears too transparent to see. (double 'o')
This line:
"quiet, quiet, patience"
I didn't even know it was there! Please, a little bigger?
This line:
"Not even murky puddles of mistakes and traumas"
No puntuation for this fella?
Anyways, thats all I got. Good luck.
-JT