she walked into the light, and the shadows crept in.
Welcomed guest, I pulled them close.
My shadows and I, shovel time into the furnace:
"tick", heave, "tock", hoe
But there's always more.
We reminisced to pass the days, my shadows and I.
And as I spoke to them, they swallowed my words,
until no word remained.
The more tangled together, my shadows and I became.
Oh I felt nothing...
And something.
Were one, in the same;
When words ran dry, there were melodies,
and note by note, my shadows devoured those too.
Today my eyes were open
I see now my shadows were not my friends;
They were impersonators sent to fool me.
I pulled them close, and they pulled me away from everything I held dear.
But you, came and chased my shadows into the light.
And there, we danced to melodies I thought had vanished.
Spoke words too lovely to swallow.
I swear, those moments my eyes were flooded again with light
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,016 Literary Works • 672,851 Reviews
Hello! Tigerlilly here to review on this wonderful review day!
WOW. This poem has an incredible subject, and the word choice is baffling. It's truly beautiful. One thing I noticed was you needed to capitalize the first line so instead of "she walked into the light, and the shadows crept in."
it would say, "She walked into the light, and the shadows crept in."
You also need a period at the end of the last line.
Other than that, this poem is absolutely beautiful. I really really love it! I hope you have a fantastic day, and I look forward to reading more of your works.
Hey Tiny here!
I would lie to start by saying, this poem is very well written and used descriptive imagery. I thoroughly enjoyed reading this piece, I have a few editorial suggestions though...
Here you need to capitalize "she" to match the format of the rest of the poem
"We reminisced to pass the days," is one thought and shouldn't be separated be the coma.
Ex:"We reminisced to pass the days, my shadows and I."
This makes no sense, your tenses are everywhere. I suggest changing "spoken" to spoke.
The apostrophe is unnecessary. Here you could either use "O'" or "Oh".
After a semicolon the next word remains not capitalized.
Ex: "the same;
when words"
That's all! I loved your writing style and how well written this was. I'm looking forward to seeing more pieces by you!
Keep writing
Thank you for the reply, I didn%u2019t even notice the grammatical mistakes on spoken, thank you for pointing that out. Some of the commas are actually intended to create an unnecessary pause, to indicate that the reader would be speaking as though they were tired, or speaking the entire poem with a proverbial *sigh* if you understand my meaning. not all of them are though. some are just mistakes.lol
Thank you very much for the feedback, it is always good to have others opinions, and for that I am grateful.
-Alexander Desmarais