"Somebody! Help!"
I managed to shout as my boat is being thrown away by the vagrant waves and the powerful storm. There was no sight of any land - the storm is all I see. No sight of other sailboats. Besides - who would be foolish enough to be setting sail during a storm?
I was.
All because of my foolish misconceptions and taking hold of my ideals, I shall face the death that I may not be ready to face yet.
With my right hand, I hold tightly to the remaining portions of my boat. In the other, my arm holds firmly to my prized possessions. I could not just die here...I could not. All hope was lost at the sight of a tidal wave, and it was history from there.
Down I went, into the ocean, sinking deep.
How come I did not foresee the tragedy before me?
I begin to feel the chaos within me, the discomfort and the fear, as I slowly descend to the seabed. I questioned the feeling of death still not creeping me. This seemed different.
The sounds of the storm, and the crashing of the waves from above - I could no longer hear.
The salty waters of the ocean I breathe into my lungs. Air, I could no longer find.
The possessions I carried, all of them far from my hands' reach. All that I have worked hard for, it has drowned the same.
As I drown deep into the waters, I notice that...I'm losing what I know about myself.
I'm losing my knowledge, my identity. My reputation, my pride, my sorrows...all of me.
It is as if all of it flees away from me...all of it...sinking deep.
Everything I know, goes down and fades away.All that I keep, and all that I sow, everything I have kept--with me, they sink so low.
I see everything of it fade away, as I no longer knew myself. Only then...did that light arrive and start to mend my soul. It felt weird...but I had a different kind of peace that I did not know existed.
That time, when I was down the ocean, subsiding... it all changed.
And now I'm alive again.
-written by: tacticianjenro
January 20, 2012
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125,008 Literary Works • 672,814 Reviews
Hello! I love your story, and I think it is very well written. I could find very few errors, but here they are:
1) You started your sentences with 'I' several times. A writer always tries to vary his/her sentence beginnings, making the story a little bit more 'spicy'.
2) I'm confused at this part: "and all that I sow". What exactly did you mean by that? Did you mean all the thinks that you made in life, or something else?
My humble regards,
Lillie
Hi there!
:
I'm eager to see more of your work!
I really like the idea you have here! There's a lot of great sensory imagery in here and I liked the use of ellipses towards the end. I also liked where you used light as a way of "mending" the character's soul. Very nice. Another thing I really enjoyed was the progression of the drowning (morbid as that sounds!) You do a great job of showing how the actual drowning takes place and the acceptance of death that follows. It's very well done in my opinion.
Those were the things I very much liked. Now for some critique. Now, above I mentioned I loved the use of ellipses. There was however, one I thought that you don't really need. It's in this one (ironically, in the sentence I also mentioned liking a lot
"Only then...did that light arrive and start to mend my soul."
The ellipses here, while not distracting from the story, is unnecessary. Just a pointer. In the sentence directly following you make use of the word "weird." While this isn't terrible, it feels very out of place in a piece where you use such beautiful words. I think if you changed it to something (and these are just some suggestions) like "peculiar" or "eerie" would be more fitting with the language you use in the rest of the piece.
Another very nitpicky thing I found was the switching of tenses. You switch between past and present when you should pick just one. For example:
"There was no sight of any land - the storm is all I see."
In this you start with past using "was", but after the dash you go to present with "is." Either one works fine, just make sure the story is all in one of them.
This paragraph I felt was a little awkward:
"The possessions I carried, all of them far from my hands' reach. All that I have worked hard for, it has drowned the same."
I think it was just the last one that made me go "huh?" though, because instead of "it" you should have "they" because there's more than one possession.
Anyhoo, style-wise this is very interesting and I enjoyed it very much
Keep writing!
Luxe
I often don't encounter any critiques to some of my writings, so I greatly appreciate the review. I'll be sure to keep those in my mind. All you've said really makes sense. English is not my native language, that's why there is still some difficulty with expressing myself through that. Thank you so much, Luxe!