Homeless Connections - Introduction

Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),

Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!

First Impression: Well, this is from the point of view of someone that appears to be a pretty intriguing character here...and well, I just have far too many question about who this might and what they're doing there that ahh...well its safe to see this introduction is definitely good enough to get me hooked to the story.

Anyway let's get right to it,

Telling a story is everything that is right in this world, it can be anything you want; you can make it sweet so everything can be perfect or fill someone with fear bringing the bitter shade out from their own eyes. But at the end of the day it is just a story, and like them all, it has to end.

Every night I was plagued by the same nightmare, the cold distant feeling of being a ghost within my own memories. Everything I was seeing, it felt as if I had been dead for so long I could no longer remember why I was there.

I couldn’t feel the wind that owns the night, I could see the rain droplets fall through my skin. I can almost remember what it felt like to be cold, the chill that ran down your neck. Young children that run past me, no doubt back to the warmth of home. To sit in front of an open fire, eat dinner prepared with love by their mothers. I see them pull at the scarf which surrounds their necks, the bobble hats pulled down to warm their ears, they would fix up the remaining button left on their jacket to stop the cold chill of Jack Frost biting in. I am left alone, the only company I have now is the scarf left behind by the youngest and the moon.

Stepping off the swing I place each foot on the ground, but silence still surrounds me when they hit. Each slow pace taken closer to the stripped cloth makes no more of a sound then the wind that blows the chains on the swing. The longing feeling to cry the tears that no longer fill my eyes, to shout out the screams which haunt my once soft voice. The only thing I could do was stop, and I did. Almost like watching myself in a mirror I collapsed to the floor, lying on the dusted autumn ground. I watched as my hand fell through the scattered leaves as if I wasn't even there. I moved my arm toward the stripped scarf and watched as it stayed still, not even moving an inch. I longed to feel the cotton embrace on my hand, to feel its warmth within the finely sewed layers. But nothing, instead the rain continued to fall through me, the ground continued to stay as it was, and I continued to be nothing more than forgotten memory in a silent children’s play ground.

I stood in the shadows, afraid. I could feel every movement, the idea of watching something happen, knowing the outcome but unable to prevent it. That feeling is enough to break a heart, even when it no longer exists. But after all, everyone has their mountain. Everybody lives, and then everyone dies.

Hello! Lau here for a review! I like this piece a lot, I especially want to complement you on this line. "But at the end of the day it is just a story, and like them all, it has to end." Beautiful, really, smooth even, the way the words flowed into each other.

But, the rest, still great, didn't have a lot to do with stories, It was a story, but not the same vibe the first line gave off. It is still nicely set, still good. But, do you get what I want to say?

I have a few ideas to make this even better, if you're interested:

- Maybe you could describe how the kids play, in the park near the the ghost, maybe.

- Also, a description of the ghost, hair or eyes, some little hints even.

- How did the ghost die, could be a good idea...or how old he/she was when he/she died. If the ghost was in a park, maybe the ghost was a kid as he died?


Sorry if I was too harsh. Hope this helps. Never stop writing!

-Lau.

This seems like it will be a good story, i feel like you could make some thing a little more clear. maybe im just slow or tired but i didnt understand that the character was a ghost untill a little later. but over all well done.

Okay. I am going to review this paragraph by paragraph. I still haven't figured out how to do the whole quoting thing, so bear with me.

Paragraph 1: I like the content as a whole but I definitely recommend breaking up the first sentence into shorter sentences because that sentence is very detailed but way too long. It also has a weird flow. Your ideas are there but, the phrasing is a little strange.

2: I like this paragraph. It gives the reader more to think about without giving it away to us. This is good. I have a problem with telling the readers what to think, I am glad you did not do this in this particular paragraph.

3: Interesting. You very often have weird sentences that are good, yet need to be reworded. Try reading your work out loud. It seriously helps with flow. I think you could work on your flow. Very realistic and vivid descriptions. I like that.

4: This paragraph is very good. The ideas are super strong and the visual is more vivid than anything else you have written in this piece. I enjoy this. I am finally understanding the whole purpose of what you are writing and that is good. I get a very eerie feeling with the last sentence.

5: YES.SO GOOD. I seriously enjoy this ending. Very strongly written. Very powerful. The more you write, the better your writing gets. The farther into the story you delve I see the ideas formulating and the writing improving. Great job.

All in all, I enjoyed your story. I think you could work a lot on flow and the choppy sentences. I think you shined in your ideas and your execution of your message.

I look forward to reading more from you and watch you improve!
Continue Writing!
-Cody