Published March 21, 2008
The streets are dark and the rain pelts me insistently. I walk through the darkness with my head down not making eye contact with any of the bums or prostitutes that roam my neighborhood. My mind is set on one track; an address running over and over in my head. For miles I walk until I see the building finally loom before me. It’s a ritzier apartment building than most; one that requires an access code to get through. My friend hadn’t informed me of this obstacle.
I puzzle over it for a second and study the huge building. Surely there is another entrance other than for tenants. I wander around the parking lot until I find a door marked “Employees Only” that also demands an access code. Above the door though, a large window shows another opportunity. Normally I am hesitant to literally “break” in due to all the high-tech alarms they have these days. Then again I should have known it wasn’t going to be as easy as just waltzing in and getting the job done.
I pull my hoody tighter over my head and bring my fist back for the blow. Now I hesitate, deciding where the best place to hit it would be. Although the whole act of breaking glass pretty much describes itself as being dangerous, I want to avoid pain as much as possible. My knuckles finally land at the top of the window and the glass breaks easily. I listen intently for an alarm, and then make my way inside.
The hallway was brightly lit and I hear laughter coming from a nearby staircase. I hurry to take off my gloves and black hoody and toss them in the trash just as a couple appears in front of me. I throw on a wonderful smile and glide by wishing them a good night. Just before I disappear up the stairs I hear them comment on what a good “neighbor” they have. I can’t help but smirk.
I take the steps two at a time till I reach the fifth floor then lean against the rail. I close my eyes and listen to the thumping of my heart. Its rhythmic at first; soothing my nerves. Then the adrenaline starts to flow through my blood. Everything has been leading up to this moment. I chuckle a little to myself then enter the long hallway.
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Canary word: Present
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139,268 Literary Works • 672,523 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay this is an intriguing start to proceedings here. We've got almost randing sounding nondescript place there that this person appears to be trying to get into. Judging by the sort of context here it seems like a place this person perhaps isn't allowed to enter. Coupling it with this very rainy and dark atmosphere you setup here, this makes for a very interesting start here. Let's see where this takes us.
Well that's not the most discreet of ways to enter a building but it does seem like this person has some very important goal to accomplish inside said building to be committing to it quite so much. Well I suppose we'll find out soon enough. At the moment I think you're doing a great job of slowly building up the tension here quite nicely.
Alright that's a very interesting note to end. Despite the more gloomy start and that sort of nervous feeling that seemed to radiate from this person there at the start, here we're ending on much more of a confident smirk sort of situation with a promise of some quite a few things to come there. I almost feel like an adjustment might be necessary to ensure the emotional jump isn't too much but either way this is definitely intriguing to keep you reading on.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey that was really good. I'm just a newbie but when I start getting better at reveiws PM and I'll look at any other work you got.
D7M
I liked it, it looks like it has a lot of potential.
With a name like THE BATTLE it sounds like it could be some kind of awsome action story with lots of fighting and killing and blood.
Cath a chicken!!!
Alright, cool. I am glad you guys like it so much!
Hey, tRiCk! What's up? Welcome to YWS, by the way. Ok, this is common in newbies (hehe) but be sure to put a space between each paragraphs, like I am doing.
Oooh! This was very intriguing! It's a way good start. You should post more.
There isn't a whole lot for me to critique on. It was so well written - the suspense is killing me.
So, when you post #2, tell me, please?
-Jared
Thank you guys. I am glad you like it. I know the first part is short and it isn't the complete chapter. I just wanted to post a little bit to see if it was even worth pursuing.
The ending was the finest part of the whole thing. Keep that. The only thing I would suggest is giving us a bit more background on the protagonist, like Soul said. But that's about it. Unless this was meant to be a short little thing, then otherwise I suppose it's fine..
Very nice beginning, I did not see any grammer or spelling mistakes, and it kept my attention the whole time.
Then you ended it at a cliffhanger! I curse thee! But really I hope you countine with this, and I am looking forward to more good work from you.
What I am really looking forward to is more detail about the character, and his reasons for breaking in. Also for a chapter this is pretty short, but it can work I suppose.