The Tyranny: Rebel

Hi! While reviewing you story, I couldn't really get all I wanted to say by just writing a huge long paragraph. So, my comments are the words between the dashes (--- comment ---). Hope you don't mind!

Rebel: Volume 1 of the Tyranny
I entrust this story to the future. In the hopes that the world may know the truth of the sins I have committed. And so gain wisdom. ---Exciting. Makes the story feel very important---

Feoryn Ilai Talmanos: Fallen Emperor of Arielle ---Something more pronounceable, maybe? I have no idea how to even begin to say this name.---

In many ways it began the moment my father breathed his last. We were never close. In fact I would go so far as to call us enemies, we were so often at odds. Some people claim that I was the one who killed him, and in a way I did. Though I was not the one who laced his cup with poison, or even gave the order. I am still culpable. ---Straight forth, feel the intimacy of the reader and character.---
I would like to think I am a better man then my father was, but I know that I am not. I am just as ambitious, just as ruthless, and as cruel. ---Wow. Apparently very honest. --- A man who will suffer no defiance of his will. Like him, I have committed atrocities that would horrify others if they knew. ---Like what? Curiosity excited!---
Yet here at the end of my life I bare my soul to the world. In the hopes that I will be remembered, at least in part, for what little good I have done in my life. ---I sense longing, to be remembered and known. Not have just been another unknown organism in the world. ---And also, that others will take heed of my life. That they will not repeat the mistakes which I have made. ---Interesting… he want others to learn from his mistakes. He doesn’t want others to go through the pain and hurt he went through…---
But I digress. Though very little bound my father and I together beyond the ties of blood, his death still came as a shock to me. From the time I was a small child his presence was a constant part of my life. ---Interesting relationship: not close, yet comforting. ---To me he was like a distant unknowable god. I suppose that some part of me believed he would always be there. So even though I did not shed a tear at his passing I had still lost one of the cornerstones of my beliefs. In time I learned many things that he kept hidden from the world and me in particular. ---Like what? Curiosity heightened…---But by that time he was long gone from this world, so I will never be able to ask him "Why?" He was, if not a good man, then a great one and I leave it to better men then I to judge his actions... and my own. ---Interesting. Perhaps not good man, but certainly a great one-- as in accomplished a lot of things.---

Now that I have put ink to paper I wonder if it began earlier. ---Wonder or know? ---Perhaps it started on the day I first killed a man. Part of me had always fought against this ---“this” ? Or “my” ? ---fate, even before I knew who and what I was. That piece of me died with the man I slew. A man whose name I did not know, and still do not. I sometimes wonder what his story was, what brought him to that moment at the end of my blade. ---Often we read of how warrior feel such a way when killing people. When they’re not crazy, of course.---
If this is to be a true telling then I should go back farther still. Back to a time before my innocence died. To a time when I was still a child in mind as well as body. Back to when I was simply Rin Shae youngest son of Vanos and Merlyn. Back to when the sun still shone brightly and I could still believe in the goodness of mankind.
My name is Feoryn Ilai Talmanos, hero of the Tarnosh Rebellion. ---He has two names? Rin Shae and Feoryn Talmanos? (Maybe have a pronunciation guide for this?)--- I've been called a beggar and a murderer, an assassin and a traitor. I've been called Lord Feoryn in glory and Prince of Chaos by men and monsters, though in my mind they are one and the same. In the winter of my eigth eighth year, when I was still only Rin, ---Still only Rin? Does his name change as he grows up?--- they came to take me away to the Capital. The Tyrant's men.
My name is Feoryn, and this is my story. ---You stated his name before, making this seem like to much of a repetition. I say delete the previous time you state his name, and leave this ending alone. ---

You have a great idea going here. The comments I made, I hope you will consider. However, they are personal opinion and I understand if you just ignore them…

The story really draws you in at the beginning. The main character (I’ll call him Feoryn), seems to be a very straight-forward, honest man. He tells the reader right out about himself and that he isn’t a very good person. He seems to have the normal feelings of a warrior who knows his duty, yet isn’t altogether happy with taking a life. Yet, he knows his fate and will follow it as need be.

A few times in the story, you heightened my curiosity by giving hints about Feoryn without explaining it. Great writing tactic. It makes the reader want to read more so they can understand the character better…

The ending is perfect. The sentence “My name is Feoryn, and this is my story.” is common, though not a clique. This chapter/prologue leads up to that idea precisely. Feoryn is giving a quick summary of himself, and his father’s death so as to prepare the reader to hear his whole story so that he won’t be forgotten.

It’s a great start! Keep it up!
Sylvia.

Good Evening! I have been digging around for something to review on this fine review day and your piece of work has caught my interest!

I'm already grabbed straight into the text with your first few lines. I do like a good story about someone that's not entirely perfect.

“Feoryn Ilai Talmanos: Fallen Emperor of Arialle” WOAH! I cannot pronounce these words. Maybe you could think about making your names accessible to every type of reader. I don't want to spend my time stumbling over difficult names rather than focusing on the actual story that you're trying to tell.

“I am still culpable.” - I would really like to know why this is so! I'm sure it's just a subtle hint as to what is yet to come. This makes me excited.

“I am just as ambitious, just as ruthless, and as cruel.” - I'm really liking the honesty of your character. It's refreshing and, like I said, it's nice to read something from the point of view of someone who you aren't supposed to think is the most perfect specimen on earth.

“My name is Feoryn, and this is my story.” - This is a great way to grab the reader in and I'm definitely excited for more.

Good luck & I look forward to reading some more of your work soon!

HAPPY REVIEW DAY!

Olive <3

Hey there!
Very intriguing start you've got here. I'm also writing something in first person, so I've come to "gain wisdom". (zing).
So, good bits:
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- I like the honesty your character shows towards the readers, it's potentially slightly unusual but interesting.
- Love the originality of the names. Very fantasy-like, awesome.
- The confessions at the start and the emotional bit is well-written, and one can easily relate - so that's always a plus.
- Your language is very artistic and poetic, and that's a big plus if you're going to tell a narrative story. Keep it up!

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Bits for improving:
- Maybe don't reveal everything in the first part. For instance, leave the 'assassin' and mass murderer until another time, but do leave Prince of Chaos to keep us all wondering;)
- As far as I know in terms of grammar, it's not a good idea to start sentences with "and".
- You have such intriguing names for the characters and places, though your title is "Tyranny". Hmmm. I personally think the title for something as awesome as this should have an appropriate title. Even the "Fallen Emperor" title is much more catchy and draws our attention.
- The last line seems a little weaker compared to the rest of the writing. I think even ending it at the last sentence of the previous paragraph is good enough.
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Think that's it. Thanks for the read, and notify me if another chapter of this comes up!
I'm out ^^
~Polinka

Woah... this was like reading something like Lord of the Rings. I don't know much about fantasy but this piece was so dark, so mysterious, and yet so empowering in a simple way. I love this sentence: 'I would like to think I am a better man than my father was, but I know that I am not. I am just as ambitious, just as ruthless, and just as cruel.' That was something that was awesome.
The way you wrote was incredibly dramatic and demanding and I could hear the words being spoken by a deep, booming voice. Cool!