On Chase's eighteenth birthday the alarm went off at ten to six just like it always did. With a groan Chase raised his head from the pillow and cracked one eyelid open, glaring at the infernal device. He slammed his fist down on the snooze button and his head thumped back down. "Five more minutes." He thought. "Please God just five more minutes."
His wish wasn't to come true as the house began to stir around him. Chase heard the sound of footsteps racing up and down the stairs as his brothers and sister got ready for the day. Someone's fist banged on his door. "Chase get lazy ass up. Mom says you better be downstairs soon." Lauren, his baby sister, called.
"Yeah bro, get up or we'll eat all the food on you." One of the twins shouted as he ran down the hall.
Swearing Chase levered himself out of bed and scrounged around in his closet for a change of clothes. He padded down to the bathroom for a quick shower, only to discover that all the hot water had been used up. After he managed to tame his hair into a semblance of a style he made a dash for the kitchen.
The old oak table was laden with plates of eggs, sausages, bacon, hashbrowns, toast, and stacks of pancakes. It was a veritable smorgasboard. One that was fast dissapearing into the black hole that was his younger brothers stomachs.
Chase snagged a plate and took his place, cracking his knuckles against Jason, or maybe Alex's, head. He wasn't awake enough to tell the sixteen year old twins apart. As his mother came through the kitchen door he gulped down a glass of juice. "Where's Dad?" He asked her.
Annette Durrant shook her head sadly. "He and some of the other adults are out patrolling. Something brushed up against the wards last night. He said to say he's sorry for missing your birthday hon."
Thirteen year old Lauren leaned forward. "Is there gonna be a Hunt?" She asked excitedly.
Their mother frowned at the rapt expressions of her younger children. "Even if there is none of you is old enough to participate. You're still in training."
"Chase is old enough now." Alex piped up.
"He's still in training." Annette declared, her tone brooking no argument. She glanced at the clock. "You four better get going or you'll be late for school."
Chase snatched up one last piece of toast as they ran out the kitchen and piled into the truck his parents had given him last year. Unlike mundane schools, Hunter schools had longer hours, and the staff was much stricter about discipline.
Annette stepped out onto the porch in her robe. "You all have your bags and homework?" She asked them and they all called out an affirmative. "And you're all armed?"
"Mooomm we know the drill!" Chase turned the ignition and glanced in the rear view mirror as he backed out of the driveway. Overhead the November sky was thick with rain clouds.
***
Chase spent the morning outside practicing with various weapons. He mock sparred with the rest of the older students and then the class went to the range out back. In the afternoon he was cooped up inside the huge old school building hunched over a desk. His pen scratched out a rythym as the teacher lectured them on the different classifications of magical creatures.
Since he and the other seniors were almost fully trained the only thing left was to put the final polish on their abilities. At year's end they would be fully certified Hunters, an event that was only a month away.
He scatched a spot on the back of his neck that had been itching for a while as the teacher finished his lesson. "So again, I cannot stress how important it is to avoid the so called "royal" Myth-Beasts. They are not something you are equipped to handle. Such high class beasts have only been taken down by members of the Elite. If you ever encounter such a thing do not engage it, run away."
Chase struggled not to roll his eyes. He had heard this lecture at least once a week since he was ten. By this point he had the damn thing memorised.
"You have something to add Mr. Durrant?" The teacher snapped and Chase sat bolt upright in is chair.
"Me sir? No sir." He stammered out.
The prof. pursed her lips. "Hmmm, well in light of it being your birthday I'll let it slide but don't ever disrespect me or this institution again."
"Yes ma'am." Chase mumbled. Around him the rest of the class snickered.
For the rest of his day Chase kept his gaze fixed on the blackboard and his eyes studiously blank.
When the last bell rang he bolted for the door alongside his class mates. In the parking lot he sat on the trunks hood and waited impatiently for the twins and Lauren to come out. As he waited he shrugged out of his jacket and tried desperately to claw at his back and that confounded itching.
"Something wrong Chase?" The question came from Tracy Collins, one of the most beautiful girls in town. She was also Chase's ex, they'd broken up a few months ago.
Chase shrugged uncomfortably. "It's no big deal, just an itch that won't go away. It's been bugging me all day." As Chase turned towards her she turned pale and stumbled backwards, falling on her butt.
Frowning in concern Chase jumped off the hood. "You okay Tracy?"
Tracy shook her head and stared at him with wide eyes. She had started to shake and scrambled backwards away from him. "Your, your eyes Chase.
He cocked his head. "My eyes, what's wrong with them."
His old girlfriend shook her head and opened her mouth. At that moment the clouds blew away in the wind, exposing the last of the sun's rays. As Chase was bathed in light the itching that had been a mild irritant erupted into explosive pain. Chase fell to his knees, clutching his head in agony. He opened his mouth to scream as his body was consumed in light and the scream became a roar that shook the earth itself.
***
Chase flinched as light pierced through his eyelids. "God, what a nightmare." He thought, reaching out blindly for his alarm clock, only he couldn't move his arm. Opening his eyes he flinched away from the source and tried to raise his head. Again he couldn't move, something pinning him in place he felt the cold press of metal against his sides. Crossing his eyes, Chase stared at the chain wrapped around his muzzle recognizing several of the runes etched into the surface.
Wait... his... muzzle? The glint of moonlight on glass caught his eye and Chase stared in horror at his distorted reflection in one of the buildings around the town hall. The towns residents stood in wary groups all clutching some kind of sword or gun. They all glared hatefully at Chase who was a... silver dragon!?
Chase snorted in surprise his tail lashing in agitation against it's bonds. He tried to wrap his mind around the idea that Chase was one of the creatures he'd been raised to hate. To hunt and kill. Not just any creature either, a dragon, one of the rarest and most powerful of the Abominations. The moment was broken as one of the Hunter's stepped forward. Chase's heart skipped a beat as he recognized the brown haired man, his father. Lucas Durrant's hazel eyes were concealed by shades that allowed him to percieve magical auras.
Lucas placed his hand on Chase's snout. "Chase I'm so sorry. I didn't know, I swear I didn't son. If I had..." His voice broke and he looked away steeling his resolve. "You know the law Chase. No magical creature can be allowed to exist." The young dragon's pupils narrowed into slits.
He raised his sword in shaking hands. "Don't worry son. It will only for a moment. I promise."
Chase struggled against his bonds. Trying to speak, to tell his father he was wrong, that it was all a mistake. Lucas started to bring the sword down in a deadly arc towards Chase's exposed throat when a noise ripped through the tableau. It was the scream of an eagle mixed with the hiss-roar of a lion.
A flight of griffins plunged out of the night sky onto the hunters. One of them slammed his hind legs into Lucas sending the man skidding across the parking lot. The griffin flared it's wings and landed, crouching protectively in front of Chase. The beast was easily twice the size of a horse yet Chase could tell he dwarfed the thing. A pair of figures slid from the griffin's back and went to work on the chains binding him.
One of them cried out in as she eased the chain away from his muzzle. "What the hell were you thinking going anywhere near a Hunter Town on your Day of Change." She snapped. "Do you have no brains at all? Didn't your mother teach you anything?"
Her long raven hair was tied back in a braid, exposing the graceful curve of her pointed ears. "An elf." Chase realized. His lips curled back and he bared long ivory fangs, growling at the judgement in her tone. She had no idea.
"Mara we can't hold them off for much longer." The call came from the griffin.
"Don't worry about us!" The elf, Mara, shouted. "We'll fly out with the big guy here."
As the last of the chains fell away Chase stood on shaky legs, spreading his wings out. His wingspan was easily sixty feet, his scales shimmering with diamond brilliance.
For an instant the elves that had just freed him stared at the sight in stunned wonder before Mara shook her head, pressing the boy forward. "Yes your're pretty." She assured him as the scrambled rudely onto his back. "Now let's just hope you can use those things."
Chase shook his head at her imperious tone. He crouched, preparing to leap into the sky but hesitated at the sound of his parents voices. Mara slapped a hand against his scales. "Do you want to die!?"
A pang of regret ran through his heart. Chase knew that if he ever saw his parents again they would kill him. He was the enemy now. With a single beat of his wings he launched into the sky the griffing and their riders falling in behind him. Chase soared into the starry sky, and left his family and his old life behind him in flames.
TUNE IN NEXT WEEK FOR CHAPTER TWO- WHO AM I?
End of chapter
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139,614 Literary Works • 672,625 Reviews
Hey, I'm Midnight and I will be reviewing your work today. Lol =] Okay, I'm going to be all neat about this and split it up into three catagories:
THE PIECE IN GENERAL ->
I think that the idea that you have got here is a fantastic one and I think that it is original and could work amazingly. I think that, like almost everyone's work, it needs some fine tuning, but eventually it will become a real master piece.
You cram a lot into one chapter and give hardly an description about places or people. I used to do this alot. I got to intrigued by what the story line is and forget about everything else. Don't worry, though. Just try spreading what you've got here over a couple of chapters. Go into a bit more detail about Chase and his family and their home. Show some emotion as well and make us feel something for Chase when he leaves them as a dragon ('awww poor him he has to leave his family' or 'woop woop now he can finally get out of there' kind of thing =])
THE GRAMMAR AND PUNCTUATION ->
- 'yeah bro, get up or we'll eat all the food on you' This doesn't make sense. Why are they eating breakfast on their brother? And you need to put an apostrophe after 'bro' because it is a shortened word.
- 'It was a veritable smorgasboard' Okay, either I have just never seen the word 'smorgasboard' before or this is the strangest typo I have ever seen. Either way, I find that it's best to use simpler language when describing things so that the reader can at least have a vague idea of what is going on.
- 'younger brothers stomachs' You need an apostrophe before the 's' in 'brothers' because their stomachs belong to them.
- 'none of you is old enough' Unless their Mum speaks with one of those accents were this is common, then 'is' should be 'are'.
- 'the staff was much stricter' The 'was' should be 'were'.
- 'the Prof. pursed her lips' In my personal experience, shortening titles like 'professor' into 'prof' appears unprofessional unless it is in speech and that is how the character would refer to someone.
- 'You okay Tracy' I'm not sure why exactly, but in speech, when the character is talking to someone and says their name, if it is at the beginning or end then a comma should go after or before it.
THINGS I LOVED ->
- Your use of adjectives is really good as it gives the reader a great idea about what type of character Chase is in the morning.
- 'black hole' This is sort of cliched, but I think it works really well in your piece. Readers (or maybe just me) can relate to brother's who have black holes for stomachs!!
- 'cracking his knuckles against Jason, or Alex's, head' This is a strange thing to do but it also makes it really funny to picture.
- 'overhead the November sky was thick with rain clouds' This is really nice piece of description and gives a lovely insight into what could happen next.
Okay, that's my review done. I hope you find it useful and if you disagree with any comments (except to grammar and punctuation ones because those are rules that writers should follow) then feel free to ignore them. They're only my personal opinion and, of course, ever writer has their own way of doing things. Anyway, good luck with the rest of this story, Midnight x
*cracks rusty joints*
Well hey there sylver, it's been a while since I've reviewed something, so here I am again.
At first I didn't notice the chapter was titled 'Those Ordinary Days' (I came here for the title, 'Slayer' ;P). I think it's because you didn't include a space between 'chapter one' and the actual text, which isn't strictly necessary, but it does clear up confusion. *polishes glasses*
The first thing that struck me was the spacing. Or rather, the lack of it in the chapter. Sheer walls of text can put people off. Try adding a space between every paragraph, such as in this review. I dunno if it was deliberate on your part or a formatting error, but it makes reading this a daunting task. Also, try adding a space between 'chapter one'.
Moving onto the chapter itself.
I liked the premise, man vs mythical beasts, however, more description could be used. When Chase wakes up, I'd have appreciated description of the bedroom (although, since he was sleepy, it wouldn't have fit in much, I guess). There's a saying I quite like "a man's bedroom describes him", which I've been saying quite often in my reviews, of late ^.^"
Usually speech marks are used for speech, but whatever. You could try placing it in italics, as I've seen done, or at least substituting the period for a comma after 'minutes', which is grammatically required, as it happens. The same goes for the next thought.
Lol, try "Chase, get your lazy ass up".
Yum, breakfast! How can they afford so much food if, inexplicably, they don't have hot water for the shower? Maybe it's Chase's birthday, so this is a special treat, but that's certainly not hinted. Also, try using more sensory adjectives: what the food smells like, tastes of, and so on.
Remember, new line whenever somebody speaks. Also, the 'h' of 'He's shouldn't be capitalized, as caps aren't required if the exclamation/question mark is in a dialogue.
At first, I was like whoawhat? Who's this Annette? I assume she's the mother, but still, introducing her name all of a sudden confused me. You do the same here, waaaay below:
You might as well have somebody shout her name instead of just presenting it to us.
Alright, the 'second part', the one after the asterisks. Again, to clear things up, you could try separating the asterisks from the actual text.
The classrooms are left fairly blank at description-less. Ohnoes.
With that ^ above, I'm stressing the need for a comma instead of a period before the last speech mark.
The emotional moment is done well, I think, but rather ruined by the formatting.
The next events are rather a blur and a bit confusing, but that's not necessarily a bad thing.
Overall, it's a good piece, but the formatting made things ten times harder to slog through.
Hope this helped,
~Ita
Sorry bout that, this is my first time posting on the new system. I tried putting in spaces but they just wouldn't go. Ditto for the italics.