Nightshade- ch1 prt2

Hello

What I noticed (more then anything else) is the lack of description in the first part. You give us their eyes, and the occassional hair color, but not much else. If this is a chapter and not a prologue, we need more meat to sink our teeth into. Especially in the beginning because this is where we (the reader) are going to formulate our interpretation of the characters physical attributes. You don't have to go into incredible depth, just toss in more elements.

Is Rheas taller then his comrades? Shorter? Is he lithe and agile in frame or bulky and cumbersome? Does he walk with a limp or with smooth strides as if gliding? Does he have any key or distinguishing features? like a scar slashing through one eye and cutting down to his chin? Does he have a beard? ... just something! lol.

If there is a reason as to why the characters have not been entirely introduced at this point, then disregard the above. I know, at times, in a story, certain individuals aren't meant to be completely revealed, if that's the case just pick and choose what you want us to know but I would ensure its more then the vague eye/hair color.

You established a very ominous air/feel in the first part as well (which I assume was your intent) so good job in that respect.

The dialogue felt a bit...contrived as well. Not entirely realistic, then again - that just comes down to personal preference really. To me, it was a little too 'structured' and didn't sound believable in the sense that someone would actually speak in that context.

ie:

"It begins too soon. We are not yet ready, he isn't ready. So young, untried and untested

"Not as young as you might think." Rheas shrugged thinking about the fire he had seen snapping in that leaf green gaze. "That one has always had a strong heart."

It just sounds... a tad bit corny. But I get the jist of the atmosphere you're aiming for.


Then you switch from third person to first. WHOA! A little jarring and disruptive to the overall flow. Jumping from one style to another is not something I would highly recommend. Personally, I think you're shooting yourself in the foot switching to first because there is SO much you're cutting out as a result of focsusing only on one perspective. You're not able to play around with the thoughts and emotions of the surrounding cast as much as you're able with third. It just limits your scope and makes the writing process that much harder because you have to find a way of conveying the same message in a more confined and restricted setting.


Overall, its a decent start. It's hard to say for sure just how strong this piece is just by reading this small portion so I do look forward to seeing more once you have it posted to get a firmer opinion.

Also, I know the whole 'prophecy' concept is one that has been vastly explored within fanatsy writing (lord knows I've written my own versions as well). Just please, please, please tried to avoid any cliches that tend to pop up. Again, hard to say just based off this small snippet, but I hope, in the future postings to discover that you'll be the one to stand out on your own with something fresh and new.

sylverdawn wrote:Nightshade- Shadow of Light
Chapter 1: It Takes A Thief
part 2

Rheas stepped out of the Gate and glanced around the large room. It was a simple stone room, the closed doors impressed with numerous sealing wards. The chamber lacked any windows or lamps of faerie fire, the only light was given off by the Gate. The swirling vortex took up an entire wall, illuminating the entire room with a ghostly blue light.

The three people glanced up, gazes anxious as Rheas stepped into the chamber. Magick clung to all of them like a second skin. Rheas stared at them all his silver-blue eyes gleaming like the portal, but then he was the Gatekeeper. "It is done." He answered the unasked question.

Lehvin sighed brushing long dark brown hair out of bronze eyes. "It begins too soon. We are not yet ready, he isn't ready. So young, untried and untested."

"Not as young as you might think." Rheas shrugged thinking about the fire he had seen snapping in that leaf green gaze. "That one has always had a strong heart."

"So his heart is strong, but is it just?" Tares asked, as always cloaked in shadows. "That is the important question. The lower realms won't stay silent, they will try to turn him, tempt him, corrupt him. Is he strong enough to resist? You all know the prophecy as well as I, He will be Reborn to the Fourth Realm, In a Time when Peace Yaws toward Insanity, The Dragon Lord will Fly Once More, Both Destruction and Salvation, All the Realms will Balance on a Blade's Edge, He will Sever all Ties and Bring forth the End, Our Darkest Fear and Only Hope." Tares quoted the prophecy, his voice cold.

This comma needs to be a semi-colon, I believe.

Ameria, his hot headed twin, the only women among them, glared at Tares tossing her long golden hair over one shoulder. "No one is perfect, not even him. We all have our flaws, our little imperfections. You threw your lot in with ours a long time ago, we're all in the same boat here. Regardless of your misgivings Tares, the End of Days will still come. Events have already been set in motion, all we can do now is have faith, and hope Asrael hasn't changed too much in the last four thousand years."

This sentance would flow better if this was 'and' instead of a comma.


Bowing his head, Rheas spoke the words they were all thinking. "And so, it begins."

***

I came awake to small hands shaking me insistently. Blindly, I reached for the pillow and covered my head. Then it was snatched away and I heard Tien's piping voice by my head. "What happened to you, Shade? You look like a spirit, did you go see a witch last night?" The six year old's black corkscrew curls flew everywhere, his hazel eyes wide with some new discovery. An impish grin showed a missing front tooth.

Groaning I sat up and stared at him, brow furrowed in confusion. "What in the three hells are you talking about Tien? What do you mean I look like a spirit?"

Tien grinned and jumped off the bed, grabbing the cracked hand mirror on the night stand. He held it up so that I could see my face. Eye's widening I reached out and took the mirror from Tien. My long hair had changed from a pale brown, to an unearthly silver-blue, and my once green eyes had paled to and arctic blue, with slit pupils. Once round ears now swept up to a sharp point. My skin too had changed, taking on a faintly luminous quality. Tien was right, I did look like a spirit.

Not needed.

Still grinning Tien bounced back onto the bed. "So, where did you go, what happened?"

"In order. None of your business, and I'd like to know that too." I softened the words with a smile for the irrepressible boy.

Pouting he jumped off the bed and ran to the door, calling over his shoulder. "You better not let Nohna see you then. She won't let you off with a 'none of your business'."

I winced, dreading the questioning to come. Nohna ran the small city orphanage, she had a way of asking that made you feel you were being interrogated. "Not if I can help it. She can't ask me anything if I'm not around to ask." Quickly I threw the covers off and changed into city garb. Brown breeches with a green shirt, and worn leather boots. I grabbed the dark blue cloak off it's hook, shrugged it on and ran out the door hood covering my now distinctive hair.

This should be a colon and should be in the same sentance. Also, quickly should have a comma after it.

Sorry it took so long to review!

I still really like this and only found some minute errors.

Sorry again for taking so long to review!

Keep writing--

Risa