Elemental Cycle: Volume 1- Fireborn
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I'm removing this piece because I'm getting ready to show the first chapters to a publisher to see if they are interested.
My thanks to those who took the time to read and/or review Elemental Cycle- Fireborn. I know I only posted the first draft of chapter one but it was still a huge help. And if you want to find out how the story ends... well, you'll just have to buy the book.
Wish me luck. Fingers crossed. Here's hoping my dream comes true.
Sylverdawn
Hey there Sylver!
I'm Tanya and I just read part one. Didn't comment because I didn't have anything to add but here I am for part 2!
This didn't sound very 'rival-y" to me. It sounds more like children going at it. I mean, I used to tell others they smelt when I was a pre-teen. IF they are as manly as you make them sound and nobles, I would rethink this. I kept waiting for them to smile and start manly-hugging or something. Except, you said he was his rival. Maybe a short description as to why?
As for what Adri says, it's a mouthful. You, you and you again. I had to reread it a time or two to make sure I got what he was saying exactly. Just me?
I love the way you describe your characters, the perfect blend of detailing and holding back, creating a very nice effect for them. I thought the part in bold was a little too much, though. We get the idea he's a young man, maybe just say 'man' but they're all the same age at the academy, right? If not, you would have referred to him as being a guard or teacher, yes?
the repetition of guys so close together is an eyefull
Also, it should be a comma, not a period, and lower case 'he'. I also noticed you doing that in the previous chapter.
Here is a great article about dialogue punctuation that I suggest you read
Um, what? Is this really the way rivals will act? I mean, I wouldn't consult with my enemy/rival about whether or not we're acting like children. Either they are still friends, even if rivals, and if yes, there's got to be a better way of pointing that out. If not, I would cut this. And would Kei really blush? A noble man? Not too sure but you know your character better than me. The man who spoke to Marys outside did not seem like the type to blush. So, yeah.
close?
Um, what is Kei afraid of? Did I miss something, or is it a premonition he's having? I mean, you just went from describing the castle to him shivering in fear. And if his twin is older, shouldn't the burden of protecting his family fall onto him? And, protecting from what, exactly?
It should be a comma, not a period
Ok! Sylver, you are truly gifted in the writing department. I think you have a good handle on your characters, very nicely done. I would just remind you that a boy acts like a boy, and if you have Adri warning Kei not to go all mad and fight everyone, you can't have that very same Kei blushing over something as ridiculous as bantering.
I really love the world you've created, bravo to you. I'm off to read the next chapter!
Tanya