Published December 5, 2009
Excuse me sir,
this madness needs to stop.
Bringing my hopes up, then back down?
I feel like all my face does is frown.
Oh, now your just taunting me.
This must be some kind of cruel joke.
You apologize and say goodbye,
but I know you will be back, to leave me just broke.
How can you do this to me?
You know how I feel.
I wish things were back to the way they were.
But only in my dreams, which sadly aren't even real.
Well here you come again.
It's time for a change, I'm done with this.
Stop bringing me this hopeless hope,
Just leave me alone,no, I insists ...
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139,649 Literary Works • 672,643 Reviews
Hey there!
Now, the first thing I need to point out is your rhyme scheme. It isn't working here. It feels forced and makes the lines that rhyme kind of forced. Therefore your poems suffers because of the rhyme. An example of this is:
The last line just feels forced. It's not so great. If I were you I would try your hand at free form It might suit you better, it gives you space to move!
And, here, I think it would be really nice if you delved beneath the surface a little. Give us some emotions and feelings that lie behind the story. Expand on this all a little bit.
Nice job! I hope I helped!
~Amy
Hmm some of the imagery in your first stanza... I didn't really like. Mainly:
This is telling us not showing us and it does give somewhat of an okay description...But it doesn't really work here.Maybe if you said something like... All my smiles hang from frowns?
Again in the second stanza you're teling us more so than showing us or giving us something to relate to.
I'll use this stanza as an example. Here you tell us what is happening but you do not show us. Theres no imagery here or anything.
Also your rhyme pattern seemed a little forced, not too much though. And I do think you let rhyming limit you on this. You should try rewriting it, with more imagery and more freedom. Eh? Good luck. Keep writing. Silented1.
I briefly skimmed through the previous responses, but have decided to remain unprejudiced in my thoughts of "hopeless hope". Don't worry, it's a good thing!
I really like your poem. It has a conversational quality to it which I haven't come across in quite a while.
It is also a topic that can be related to and I could identify with it to a certain extent.
Keep well
I like the form you wrote it in. It was as though it was a letter or an argument. It was as though I was standing there and hearing you tell who ever it is this was to, all that stuff that was in the poem. That is good poetry right there. I like reading poems that seem that real to me, like I am actually there when you're writing all this.
Hi there Sydney,
Guess what? My name is Sydney, too. Weird, right?
Anyway. A few technical things, and then I'll say something about the whole.
1. Your rhyme scheme shifted after the first stanza.
2. There are some spelling issues that should be addressed, but I hate it when people get all nitpicky with that stuff on my work, so I'll leave it at that.
On to the bigger picture. We all know what you're talking about here. We've all had the feeling that someone is torturing us, playing with us, and the feelings of injustice, hurt and I guess sort of an abstract passive aggression are overwhelming. I don't feel any of that it the poem. Poems are supposed to evoke something, right?
You might want to do something about the title, too. When I clicked it, I already had the thought, "well, that's just impossible." Maybe not the best way to start a poem.
Anyway, the beginning of any truly great poem is a subject matter that everyone feels connected to. You've got one. Now all you need is more emotion, a stable rhyme scheme and a bit more flow.
Happy editing!
~Sydney