HOME OF OUR HEARTS……
“ I wonder when will I reach my fairy tale of life” said a girl walking along the pavement of an icy road, covered deep in snow, with her mufflers and sweaters on, sweet as the rose blooming in the winter, and a rare glow that shines in the night.
Nothing great was with her. Yet the charm lasted. That beautiful special sequence of notes of love, applied to her.
Her apple eyes, her blushing smiles, her sweetest surprise looks, her blink of eyes, mesmerized the scene.
“Soon” said a boy beside her, admiring her, from the start of the journey.
“will anyone ever love me as I dreamed?” she asked again turning pale.
“no………………………………………..” the boy said.
“I know, I can never imagine something that is
-“ it will more than what you can imagine” the boy said again.
Confused the girl asked,
“atleast, can I guess?”
Laughing, the boy said yes.
“will he get butterflies seeing me?” she asked.
“YES”
“will he feel lonely if I didn’t hold his hands?”
“YES”
“will he say that he loves me, all the time?”
“YES”
“then, I believe, everything I dreamed is just the same……………………….., yet I wanted a little more magic in it” the girl said sadly. Her intense of pain, reflected in her round, lovely eyes.
“but I can make it even more better” the boy said smiling at the girl.
Girl surprised, questioned him back.
“cos I get butterflies till the time I see you, but with your sparkle of eyes I feel the entire earth,
I say I love you only within me, yet when I see you, I want to say how much times I fell for you,
I don’t feel lonely because, you are with me always………. In my heart as a beautiful flower…………………., but still when I see you, I want to hold your soft hands……….. to always have you by my side……………………………………………………………………………………………………….”
The boy confessed his feelings to his love of life.
“yes, at last, I finished my dream……………… to you, at the end, I saw you in it, and I got it now……………………………………I LOVE YOU………” the girl said and blushed cutely.
“AH, I got it too………………………………, to have you say it at last, the thoughts of my heart reached you………
I LOVE YOU TOO…………………………………………………..” the boy said and smiled at her.
Thus, walked to the home of their hearts.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,819 Reviews
Hey,
This story is good but with a little correction it could have been much better. Just bare with me. I myself am a new writer so don't take it to the heart.
"Her apple eyes, her blushing smiles, her sweetest surprise looks, her blink of eyes, mesmerized the scene".
This line is very well thought. You could have correlated everything. And the "will anyone" should have been capitalized "W". And the next sentence the "n" again should be "N".One more thing is that "dreamed" is a word that relates to "indulge in daydreaming". I think that would not be the correct word for that sentence. And the sentence which say "it will,than what you can imagine". Can be rephrased as "your imagination will be outrun" or if you would want to stick to the same thing then you could have written it as "It will be more than what you can imagine". The next sentence could have been "Would you at least let me guess?". Here you could include the humor sense so that the reader also knows what the character is laughing at. And don't forget the capitalization on the lines. and the sentence that says "then, I believe, everything I dreamed(dreamt) is just the same...". And "cos " is not a word.
I have a feeling that some of which I said may be wrong. If wrong please let me know other wise you story was amazing.
Hello!
Stegosaurus here for a review!
This is a lovely story between two people and what caught my attention was the title. I also feel like some people could relate to this since we see someone we wish to give them our feelings but we are shy as the girl is in here. I also like the characters in here.
However, there are some things I like to point out. In the beginning with the home of our hearts seems to be the title and sometimes the writer doesn't have that in the beginning since the reader already knows the name of the piece they are writing. Also the continuous use of the periods that go on forever and doesn't seem to reach the point or if the writer doesn't know what to say- most people make this mistake and don't see it. What I suggest is try thinking of what to say after or just erase some of the periods (or all). Also don't try to type in caps- maybe they are trying to exclaim their feelings but when typing in caps it just seem like text speak
Another thing is what Holysocks said: Her apple eyes, her blushing smiles, her sweetest surprise looks, her blink of eyes, mesmerized the scene. It seems like you were trying to be poetic or something but didn't reach the full poetic status. Also it seems to be a little run-offy with the uses of commas as periods. For this, I would try re-reading it and think of something else to describe the girl like her candy apple eyes, her blushing smile, her surprise eyes mesmerized the scene or something the same.
I also feel like the dialogue in here is a tad off from how people would speak- try reading a love story to get the feel of how they talk and act since it seems their love for each other quickly happens- like how does the girl fall in love with the boy? Same goes for the boy.
Overall, this was a cute little story and I hope to read more of your works.
If you want me to go over anything, let me know!
Steggy
Hello there!
I have to admit, this was cute. Crushes are one of those things that just make anyone feel helpless- it seems. There's really nothing you can do when you get feelings like that but a) wait them out, or b) do something about it.
Your descriptions here are a tad off. I can see how most of them relate to the thing they're describing but it still doesn't quite fit. For instance, "Her apple eyes"- you probably were trying to say something related but different than the common mention of 'the apple of his/her eye', perhaps? With descriptions, you have to use things that are close to the thing you're describing, or something that people can imagine easily as a good example (I'm wording things terrible tonight, I'm sorry; bare with me). unless you meant her eyes were apple green? Still, it's best to specify that. In order to make your sentence work, you have to connect the examples with the subject: Her apple-green eyes, her blush as she smiles, her sweetly surprised expressions, her fluttering eyelids. If I said "the colour of house" you really don't know what that is, do you? And you'd also be confused by the sentence because it's missing a "the". When describing things - or in anything - you should never have to take out necessary words in order to make it more "poetic". It is good to leave out unnecessary words, but ones that hold your sentence together need to stay.
Anyway, this was indeed a cute story- keep it up! And if you have any questions, or simply don't understand a word of what I said, feel free to message me!
-Socks