Full Summary: Nohlin and Eileen are two orphaned siblings that had grown up together since they were mere infants. They suddenly get adopted by a mysterious woman by the name of Ursala, an ordinary social worker in her late 20s who is, ironically, a single woman. With her alluring looks and cunning personality, men go heads-over-heels for her. But she declines them all and lives with the children in her apartment complex that is shared by several other residents on the four floors they live on. This story goes about the lives between Nohlin, Eileen, and Ursala about the hardships of growing up in a family and the bond that ties them together from the moment they had met.
~*~*~
On the twilight of an ordinary summer day, the dual glass paned doors of the Children's Rainbow Orphanage opened for the first time in two months. There had been a string of unscucessful adoptions during spring, and no couple dared to come back to take another child under their wing.
The dull clanging of the rusted doorbell alerted us of a potential adult entering the foyer. Within a split second, the children began to bustle: the boys racing each other to the shower rooms while the girls fussed over about sharing their dresses with their companions. Toys were swept under the cobwebbed beds, while in turn, the quilts were tossed over the beds; making sure to conceal their secrets. Everyone seemed to be in a jubilant mood, laughing and giggling to each other about the prospects of a new parent. One of them would be chosen to be accepted into a household, a family, and be loved. A happy ending to say.
Except for my brother and I.
In my stale covers on the far end of the room, I sat there; propped up against the headboard with pillows supporting my back and a heavy tome opened to the page. I had gotten distracted from reading the book when I heard the doorbell and subconsciously began to watch the rest of the children. I envied them so much. So much that I could feel myself become the epitome of jealousy itself-- my oily locks disheveled and my skin a sickly shade of white, giving me a horrendous look in the mirror. I wasn't as attractive as Suzie nor did I have a interesting personality like Robert, or even can do anything impressive like draw any inanimate object with professionalism.
I bit back a growl and clenched the bed sheets.
No one wanted me, an ugly child of 7 years old with nothing appealing to the eye, only mute and able to read these stupid fairytales.
"Hey,"
I whirled around from my bed, my teeth bared out and my stare boring into the face of the one who had dared to call to my attention.
"You're making that face again," he said
"And what of it?" I angrily signaled to Nohlin.
He pursed his lips in impatience.
It makes you look like a monster, Eileen."
A spark of realization passed through my brain, making me pause in whatever I was going to do next. A monster. He was actually going to refer to me as those ugly hunched-back fiends that roamed the night with bristling fur, slick layers of scales, and glowering eyes. I lowered my eyes from his and bit my bottom lip in frustration, trying to avoid his piercing gaze. A small pang thudded heavily against my chest. What was this feeling? Was this guilt? Or perhaps jealousy? Maybe both.
I fidgeted with the frayed corners of the worn fairytale book, still not looking at him. It was my way of apologizing, somewhat half-heartedly.
Nohlin sighed and slid into the bed beside me, careful to not bump the book off my lap and his legs touching my bare ones under the covers. Warm thin arms encircled my equally thin waistline and hugged me close to his chest. His chin was atop my grisly blonde hair, his breath ghosting the crown of my head. I struggled within his embrace, not wanting to accept his kindness, but he did not budge.
"Don't be a prick now," he murmured, his calloused digits raking through my strands, "I know that it's hard on you... and for the both of us."
Tears began to prick at my eyes, refusing to return to their caverns as I furiously shook my head in denial. I hated that Nohlin had some sort of strange ability in persuasion and could sweet talk his way through just about any situation. His voice was as smooth as ice and yet commanding at the same time. There wasn't anyone who could stand up to my brother's musings and get away with it, sporting a face of indifference and leaving with even more emotions piled up inside of them. Unlike me, my beloved brother was kind and compassionate, able to listen well and relate to problems easily. He was like the sun, shining down on everyone's hearts with healing rays.
A rather large gasp of a sob slipped from my closed lips, breaking the happy din of the children like a sharp chef knife. Everything became deathly quiet as I gaped at myself for making such a noise. How disgraceful. In an attempt to cover up any treacherous feelings, I quickly swept up an arm, ready to clamp down my teeth on the unsanitary skin of mine. But his snatch was by far faster than mine, closing in on my wrist and halting it in its journey in midair. I turned to meet his steely gaze, my soul staring down at his dark maroon orbs, almost lost in them. Before I could retort, the grip tightened and his eyes darkened considerably, as if sending a telepathic message to me.
Let it out.
All that pent up frustration and anger was suddenly released by that one simple command.
With a wail that echoed off the pastel walls of the children's room, I began to cry, balling the fabric of Nohlin's blue shirt into my feeble fists and leaned in to soak my tears through. I was embarrassed by this action, abhorred beyond belief how unsightly I had become. But Nohlin did not take notice and merely tightened his embrace. Strangely though, my actions seemed more like gasps of desperation rather than tears of anguish and hurt. But I could care less at the moment at anyone who looked at me funny and thought I might have been hyperventilating or something. At this very moment, it had only felt as if the world had suddenly disappeared to leave my brother and I in an abyss of darkness, our love shining through it. Though we were complete opposites, we complimented each other. The outside facade of my brother being the cheerful and nice looking boy who played with everyone and his wallflower sister was one that everyone bought. But deep inside, we were the only ones able to coax each other's turmoiled feelings, Nohlin being meek and traumatized while I stood my ground and turned into a hideous beast that dripped with envy.
Since the day I had been able to read those accursed fairytales from the Disney picture books, I had come to loathe the character's happy fortunes and longed for a better life. A life where I was born without this disability and lived amongst a family of four. A pair of parents would surround me with gleeful smiles of joy and happiness as we threw a celebration for my birthday. Presents would be torn apart to reveal their hidden secret while colorful balloons drifted far and wide as wanderers of the vast sky. Unfortunately, fate decided a different path for us when we were abandoned at the doorsteps of the orphanage and I had found out I was mute. How cruel it was, burdening my brother with my disability and using it to my advantage to forcibly tie him down with me so that we may be adopted together. I sometimes wished I never had been born.
It felt like hours before I calmed down again, relaxing at my brother's methods of combing his hands through my hair, starting from the scalp and delicately untangling the split-ends and tumbles, and the small circles he made along my spin. But it had only been about ten minutes until my tears were whipped away and my breath returning to normal.
"Feeling better?"
I looked up to meet the gaze of my brother and merely nodded. He grinned at my response.
"Good!" He leaped off the bed, the warmth between us lost, and offered a hand. "Let's get ready now. I doubt Ms. Dellingway would like you to be continue being huddled up here with your book smelling like sweat and salt."
I dryly chuckled without any sound of a voice, at his statement and readily accepted his warm hand. Finger curled up to close it around my own and a gentle smile graced my face. Maybe today might not be so bad after all.
Hello, I am Equivocal, and I believe that you have something quite special here. I have been on this website many times, and I have sifted through the illiterate masses. I cannot deny that my prowess in the art of literature allows me to have a very, fastidiously so, critical eye. As such, I believe that this story could be molded to something great. Currently, I enjoy the structure and the trajectory that you have set. However, beside the trials of your characters, I believe that their needs to be an element that afflicts every character; something that can be introduced in the beginning that allows for it to be more enticing. See, what makes a novel brilliant is layers, these layers can psychological, sociological, enigmatic, political, and combining multiple elements allows for a much more impressive novel, as well as, a more complex and thusly interesting story. You must take your characters and mold into a world which has more than one element. You have an element of uncertainty, you have a feeble impressionism of the diversity of the psyche, and however it is time for you to expand. I have only read this much, I love your prose, though you could allow for a better structure in your delivery, and do not listen to any of the other comments. They are dreadfully insulting, for you do not need to dull down your writing. I believe that you can, that you should write this novel for adults. It has enough elements to allow for that, but you need to bring in the more mature elements, and allow for perhaps, political juncture to influence the woman who adopts them, and perhaps have the troubles of this woman blatant.
I do believe that the woman should be older; unless her current age plays a vital part of the story. I also believe that you need to develop further the psychological presence of the characters; you need to make your protagonist seem less clichéd, bring in an element that can conjoin to her being mute. If you tie her problems to her being mute than it created a much more intriguing element, and if allow for the reason she is mute is because of her being in an orphanage and is a coping mechanism.
One final suggestion, I would suggest that you have the perspective of the story switch between the two siblings, thus allowing for the true grieving of the girl to be conveyed through the interpretations of the brother. See, if you have an element of your story be one that involves the psychological, sub-interplay between the characters, thus the thoughts of the character about the other than you have a much more interesting story already. Also, perhaps even have the perspective of the woman who adopts them, for which reasons does she refuse men, et cetera.
Finally, remember Politics, Psychological Interplay between the two characters, the horror of her being mute and the cause (Perhaps coping mechanism), if you add all these things in and have a basic moral message to your story. Then you will have an incredibly diverse and interesting story. Because you have the writing talent, now you just need to elaborate on the story.
Sincerely, Equivocal, Age Fourteen
This story was quite interesting. The summary at the top hooked me in right away just because of the way you characterized Ursula as a 'mysterious' women.
First thing I noticed (Which is just me being nit picky) is that you used the word prick in the sentence right after you used it the first time.
""Don't be a prick now," he murmured, his calloused digits raking through my strands, "I know that it's hard on you... and for the both of us."
Tears began to prick at my eyes, refusing to return to their caverns as I furiously shook my head in denial. "
I think you should use something other then that word again.
Okay, enough with me being picky.
I really enjoyed this story. I couldn't imagine how sad it would be to be left over and over inside an orphanage as everyone else around you is being taken away. This was really a heart-felt story.
The children do seem a little over-intelligent though. Yes, since the girl is mute, it does give her time to think and learn which could progress to a higher intellectual ability but, it seems to me like she is talking like a very, very intelligent English collage professor.
If you're connecting to a more adult position of readers I think this would be a great story but, for teens, this one would have to be a dulled down a bit so it's more realistic.
Loved the story
x
Tizpi
It caught my attention in the beginning but got slower and slower. There were too many details for one thing and I ended up skimming over a lot of it. There were also too many adjectives. Also....Children's Rainbow Orphanage?!? Really? Another thing is that Wilden sounds Way way too old to be seven. She sounds more like twelve or even thirteen My advice: speed it up a bit and I think that you will have an interesting story or book on your hands.