Published April 29, 2008
Rain Down
Raindrops danced on a quiet breeze,
capturing glimpses of the moonlight; they soared
down, down, down– streaks across the sky.
Each exploded on the dirt, scattering
the silvery moon-shards.
We laid upon the hill that night,
our bodies stretched across the earth,
and we closed our tear-lined eyes,
as the raindrops fell upon our faces.
Though no words needed be said,
inside we were crying, “Rain down,
Rain down on me, sky."
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140,586 Literary Works • 673,540 Reviews
I saw the title and it was very catching-good start
the poem was really good and really effective. i really enjoyed it and for some reason i liked the fact that you used rain drops haha.
Really Great Job!!
Shouldn't it be "rain drops"? Not "raindrops"? Or you could even hyphenate it.
I think you should rework this...
Raindrops danced on a quiet breeze,
capturing glimpses of the moonlight.
They soared down, down, down-streaks
across the sky.
This should be reworked, as well...
We laid upon the hill that night,
our bodies stretched across the earth.
We closed our tear-lined eyes as
rain drops fell upon our faces.
Reworked, as well...
No words needed to be said--inside
we were crying, Rain down--rain down
on me, sky.
See how that last part that you had in quotations marks is now in italics? Er, well, it would be if my text wasn't in italics--but you get it, right? I think that looks better, personally, since there's no other dialogue in the poem.
Keep writing! I liked this poem, but it was a little difficult to get a flow--that's what I mean by reworking them!
I was interested in the poem because of the title, and I found the entire poem to be beautiful. I adored your word choice and subtle imagery. The poem flowed along nicely. Keep writing.
Nix "the"
I've always had a bit of a personal beef with the word "upon"--it's always seemed so clunky. Perhaps try to find something a bit more graceful?
Nix "Though"
Overall
You've got a really lovely poem here darling--I am most impressed with your word choice. The rhythm is fine, though is isn't really a cadence kind of poem and that's okay (by cadence, I guess I mean...a poem that's 'about' the rhythm. Yours is more 'about' the words). Keep writing!