z

Young Writers Society


E - Everyone

Girl of Iron and Copper

by swax


My name is Zhao Ji and I live a life of prosperity. A red panda named Hu Hai is my best friend. I’ve had Hu Hai since I was ten; I’m sixteen now. Today Chu Yun, the wealthy merchant who lives near us, came to call. As usual, I left to put some tea on the fire. While I waited for the water to boil, I decided to listen in. Here is the conversation.

“I have come to ask for your daughter’s hand in marriage,” Chu Yun stated matter of factly.

It was a known fact that Chu Yun treated his five wives little better than his slaves.

“Come now,” my father replied, “think you can ask for the daughter of a minister’s hand in marriage, you, a merchant?”

“I offer a betrothal gift of 500 gold coins and payment for the matchmaker,” Chu Yun said stiffly getting up to leave. “In five days time I will send the formal offer. You must decide by then.”

“I will think about it,” Liu Ao whispered softly.

I sat back against the wall separating me from my father, Liu Ao, who now seemed like a stranger to me. This could not be happening! Sure, we were currently a little short on money, and 500 gold coins is a lot, but marriage to Chu Yun? He wouldn’t, he couldn’t! I must get away from here tonight! I couldn’t stand Chu Yun for five minutes, how would I be able to stand him for eternity! And why would he choose me? I ran to the mirror to see if I looked older, now that my fate had been decided, nope same waist length ebony hair curling slightly at the end and big, startling brown, almond eyes. My parents had never broken my feet so they were bigger than desirable for a girl of my stature (my parents had never seen need to break my feet, because then I couldn’t help out with anything). There was nothing to it. I’d run away. But where? Suddenly, I remembered my father mentioning a great-uncle Zhao Gao in Dazhou. It was perfect! Too far away to come after me, but close enough to make it before the winter storms set in. I’d go when night fell.

That night, I crept quietly into the kitchen, grabbing some bok choy, dumplings, rice, wheat, nine gold coins, my copper and iron bracelet as well as my red silk robe. With Hu Hai following behind I grabbed my coat as, we stole out into the night. Then, we ran…

I woke up and wondered why my bones were stiff and cold. Had the fire burned out? That’s when it all came rushing back to me: the visit, the blind run into the night and the final collapse at the edge of the lotus pond. The flowers were floating slowly on the water when I stood and trudged toward the next farm down the road. There, I traded three of my gold coins for a strong filly.

“Give Fāng a better home than here, Miss,” pleaded the farmer.

“I’ll try my best,” I replied breathlessly as I lifted Hu Hai on to the horse’s back.

Then I rode off, following the north star.

I rode for three days before the snows, coming early, caught Hu Hai and me in its deathly grip. The cold chilled me through my bones giving me what I thought to be my death, as I wished for the coat I had lost yesterday. I slumped forward on Fāng. Then, out of the snow came a blurred shape.

“The other world has come for me!” I cried. And everything went dark.

I was running through the bamboo forest back in Guiyang, my father’s estates fading in to the background. I had gotten tired of playing at being the only daughter of a minister. I came to the tallest stand of bamboo and there, was a red panda. A mother bird was pecking at it, obviously mad about the prize it held in its paw, an egg. I reached up and held the red panda, sheltering its furry body with mine.

“I will call you Hu Hai after China’s second emperor,” I whispered softly in its ear.

I woke to sunlight dazzling my eyes and a worried face looking down into mine.

“At last! Your fever has broken, and you have awoken!” the face exclaimed. “I am Ban Chao, the one who’s compass lead to you so I could care for you as your fever raged. And now I will accompany you to the place you had wished to go when winter set in, since I’m going that way too; all the way to Nanyang.”

“My bracelet! It’s magnetic so compasses point to it,” I explained. “Thank you. I could do with some company,” I said in the stately manner I had been taught to use. “But you must agree that no questions will be asked between us.”

“Of course, My Lady!” Ban Chao said with a bow. “I would keep your secrets safe, though.”

“We set off for Dazhou,” I voiced unimpressed.

So we did, Hu Hai scampering behind.

After nearly a week of travel we arrived at my great-uncle Zhao Gao’s house on the outskirts of Dazhou. My great-uncle offered for me to stay, but I had grown quite fond of Ban Chao’s company. I decided to continue onward with Ban Chao to Nanyang and to find an apprenticeship there.

“Is it ok if I continue on with you?” I asked politely.

“Of course it is, My Lady,” Ban Chao replied with a bow.

One night as we camped by the side of the road, we were set upon by thugs, who bound us, kidnaped us, and took us to Chu Yun in Dazhou. Hu Hai escaped. Chu Yun planned to take us to my father in the morning, as expected, we did not get much sleep.

In the darkest part of the night, just before dawn, Hu Hai came and chewed through our bindings. We escaped into the night.

After our near capture, the journey was pretty smooth. We got to Nanyang in eight days which is pretty fast, but then again we had just been kidnaped.

When we reached Nanyang Ban Chao and I went our own ways, I immediately searched for an apprenticeship. After a month of searching, Zhang Heng gave me an apprenticeship as an inventor. Because I got the highest score in the exam he laid out, he didn’t mind that I was a girl. After that, I did not hear from Ban Chao for many years. It turned out he became a general and was having a life of rebellions, wars, and diplomacy traveling the world. I was learning everything I could and helping Zhang Heng with his newest invention to measure if an earthquake was coming. Hu Hai was having fun in the bamboo forests. My bracelet had brought us the life we wanted.


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1334 Reviews


Points: 25864
Reviews: 1334

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Sun Mar 01, 2015 11:42 am
Hannah wrote a review...



Hi, there!
This story is awesome. I was really intrigued by the title, and I wasn't at all disappointed, because that iron and coppers is the only thing that makes her dangerous journey successful: that bracelet is her key. I always love stories where pieces fit together like a puzzle the way they did here. But there are a few suggestions I have!

First of all, the most confusing part was where time seemed to go a little strange when Zhao Ji was in her fever. You can notify the reader about time changes by putting an extra space or a line with just an asterisk between the sections.

*

Like that -- now these two paragraphs are separated. Though in your document, the asterisk could be centered so it looks nice.

Now, as for the content, I think what could make this story just a bit better would be slowing down and focusing on some important moments. For example, when Zhao Ji is deciding to run away, it seems like she does it in the blink of an eye. Could you decide to run away that quickly? Without any hint of disliking your family before that? I think a good place to slow down the action would be when Zhao Ji is thinking about her own body and how it compares to what she thinks a desirable wife might look like.

I agree with amac's review that it's a bit unrealistic how Zhao Ji described herself. I think those were your words, how you would describe her. On the other hand, I thought that comparing her own un-bound/broken feet to the broken feet of more upper class girls was definitely realistic and could even serve as another piece of the puzzle. Thinking about her feet would remind her that she could run. Remembering she could run might give her the idea of running away. This way, the thought to run away could form naturally instead of out of nowhere!

The other place where I thought you might slow the action down was in the moment when the bracelet's awesomeness is revealed. Do you think both of them would know right away that it was because of the compass that Ban Chao found her? I think they might be a little confused at first, then figure it out together. If so, they might spend a few more moments wondering why Ban Chao is there and why she's all alone before figuring it out.

I also wondered how Ban Chao helped her fever to break.

Lastly, I'm so glad she was able to successfully find an apprenticeship and that Hu Hai was having fun in the bamboo forests (oh yeah -- why did she name him after the second emperor? was there a reason?), but I did find myself wondering if she ever got back in contact with her father or her family.

Overall, I enjoyed this story and I loved the personality of Zhao Ji! Nice work.

Let me know if you have any questions about my comments, and good luck.

Hannah




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6 Reviews


Points: 366
Reviews: 6

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Fri Feb 27, 2015 8:17 pm
amac wrote a review...



I really enjoyed your story, it was very descriptive and engaging. I like that it was in first person, it was very interesting because of that. I also like how Hu Hai saved the day! ;) I really like your flashback, it was easy to tell that it was a flashback, and made the story more entertaining, and drew me in. However, I think it is a little unrealistic how Zhao Ji describes herself. " It’s true, I’m pretty, with waist length ebony hair curling slightly at the end and big, startling brown , almond eyes." I doubt anyone would describe themselves in such a praising way. It is a great story overall. You should write more!





Be steadfast as a tower that doth not bend its stately summit to the tempest’s shock.
— Dante Alighieri