Published May 15, 2014
The halls of the science institute echoed with cruel laughter. They were parading their 'study', a girl named Resa, around. It was time to let her have both of her elements. Perhaps find out how she had two elements, instead of the customary one. A man with alcohol on his breath and a cruel face appeared. He pushed her into a small chamber with two medium bowls in it. One was filled with fire. The other, soil. Behind her, they locked the door and settled in to watch.
*****
Fire sprang up against her hand. The shadowy girl turned to the soil, which clumped around her other hand creating a glove. One of the men on the other side of the glass gaped as she created a flaming ball of dirt above her head. It rose, becoming bigger by the second. Finally, she released it and it fell towards her. The fragile body that housed her spirit was quickly broken.
After the fire was put out the girl's mother rushed forward to claim her body, all the time sobbing. She ran her fingers repeatedly through her daughter's black hair, moaning softly. An older sister came forward to push the eyelids closed for the last time over unseeing sea green eyes. Eventually, police came to escort them and the rest of the grieving family home.
However, when they buried her, they used an empty casket.
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140,703 Literary Works • 673,672 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay...well, very mysterious looking start there, not to mention is also seems like we have a pretty horrifying case of someone being experimented on, and the cruel laughter being depicted there cannot possibly mean anything good for the poor girl there. Adding onto that the mention of elements here definitely adds even more to the mystery here....cause it looks like this could be a world with some sort of elemental control being a thing here.
Okay...well, that is definitely quite cool there, to see how two elements are being combined there...a little anticlimactic to the cruel laughter and illegal experimentation vibe the earlier part had here. Although the last part there about the flaming dirt falling towards here doesn't bode too well for anyone involved here. That last line definitely seems to be indicating a sense of death there.
OKay...the mention of police makes me think this whole thing is actually some more legal situation and this is perhaps something else entirely from what I was imagining. At any rate, it is still very much intriguing...and especially that last line, an oddly specific reference to an empty casket definitely makes me think more could be going on here than meets the eye. At any rate, a pretty solid prologue here, it certainly ticks off most of the boxes you expect from one of these. It seems like the sort of story I would read at any rate.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hi! Dogsrule5 here to review!
First off. I thought this book was very interesting and also exciting at the same time. I cant chose a favorite part because I liked all parts.
The only thing about this was... I think you need to make this longer. I understand that you chose to end it at a great spot, and I like that. But it just seems to short.
If you told what the girl looked like and maybe described the shadowy girl, that would make it good and a little bit longer. That's what readers want to know to. What does she look like? Where were the people at? Why did she kill a girl? All this stuff that readers want to know. Who is the other girl across in the glass? Readers want to know this kind of stuff. I mean this book is very exciting, but I think you should answer some of these questions. I mean not just to make it longer, but so you can add more detail. I think you do need a little more detail.
Well I hope I helped a little bit.
Love,
Dogsrule5
One thing you should know, is that the girl killed herself. I thought I made that clear, but apparently I could do a better job. I will work on adding that stuff, this is still under editing, I just mostly want other people's opinions.
Ok. Sorry. I didn't know it was still being edited.
That's OK, you did what I wanted by telling me what I could do to improve it.
That's OK, you did what I wanted by telling me what I could do to improve it.
cool.
Hiyah there! Nice intro to what I'm assuming will be a full-length. It would definitely catch my attention. The story right now is vague, but I'm assuming intentionally so, and it'll be fleshed out in future chapters. I just have a few nitpicks.
The second sentence reads a bit odd to me. It might sound better as, "The shadowy girl turned to the soil. It clumped around her hand like a glove." I know writers are often told that compound sentences are more mature, but in prose you can be choppy. I personally think it sounds better as two sentences. Also, instead of "becoming bigger and bigger," try "growing larger by the second."
I agree with Alexis. The dialogue sounds forced and cliché. Try something more emotional and raw. Or maybe no dialogue at all and just the image of a mother sobbing over the dead body of her beloved child.
Love the cliffhanger ending, though! Overall I think you have a lot of potential here. Go through with a fine-tooth comb and read it aloud to yourself. That way, you'll see what flows and what doesn't. But it is definitely a good start!
Thanks. I really appreciate reviews like this. They help me to become a better writer, and also to make this story more likable.
Yes, it is meant to be vague. I've been trying different ways to phrase the blatant grieving of her mother, but so far only have them down on paper.
Hey Swampy!
Welcome to YWS! I really hope you enjoy yourself here.
Here for a quick review, though there's not too much to comment on.
Well, I guess I should mainly bring up the fact that this shouldn't be a prologue. I see too many of them these days, and most of them are completely unnecessary.
The purpose of a prologue is to inform the reader of something that couldn't naturally be brought up in the novel itself. It should set up a lot of the story, give a little insight to the world and more often than not; it should not directly involve the protagonist.
This doesn't really set up that much, it's all very vague.
Alright, a couple more things:
Quite an unusual name, but I kind of like it. You only included this in the descriptions though, so if she's the character in this, I'd maybe get the name in there somehow. But it'll probably show up in the coming chapters.
Edit
Quick typo in the title.
Edit
Another quick typo.
Lastly, what I would recommend for you to do is just to start writing your story. Don't bother with any prologues and such, just head straight into the chapters. Introduce us to your main character, the setting and write something cool about them.
This is a pretty short piece, so not much else I can say. I hope you stick around on YWS, it's a pretty awesome place. You've already made some nice reviews and you're gonna fit in nicely.
Keep it up!
Cheers
Birkhoff
The only reason I put a prologue in here is because later on she will end up being the reason for many things in this story.Thank you for pointing out the typos I made, as well.
I'm glad you like the name. I've made an effort to make all the names in this book original, but am not as good at that as I wish to be.
This seems very interesting so far. You could defiantly go far with this. The only thing I think you should change is the "Resa, Resa! Oh, my poor baby!! Resa, come back to us! It was not your time to leave us yet!" because it seems like that's in every book where someone dies and it doesn't bring much emotion or empathy. However, I would love to read more because this has a good start!
I know, and am glad it didn't cause you to dislike this book.
I know, and am glad it didn't cause you to dislike this book.