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explicitly nerves

by suraj69

woke up in the midnight and thinking about being alone/no companion/sober !!!

dude it's obvious to feel that ... 

coz if it were your wife then she would still be sleepy !!!


it's not because the thoughts were not available ,,,,

it was like all your thoughts, wishes  be preserved from ourselves , henceforth to protect themselves from us ... !

it's not like having a one sided like a stupid ... 

or being monotonously provoke her again and again ... 

it sounds lame that (it is) without any reason you prickle someone again and again ...

it's like convincing issi soldiers to act like human bomb !!!

it's not precisely the reason you stopped writing for a while ...

its because the reason that you wanted to hide something from yourself ...

thereby lying in the mist of herb smoke ...

trying to claim yourself from these daydreams to kill your vibes , your essence , your aura or similar shits ! 

making a wall form you and yourself !!!

trying to be senile for a while ...

it wasn't the tears which shed whenever something related to her crossed in his mind ...!

it was like the game plan of the above to make realise what real life is !!

the aces /the clubs ,   the triumph ...!

it was like the game in which you have to lose again and again to be in it :') 

it wasn't like the Paulo's which made you motivated or the ZNMD akhter's poetry :') 

it was the sin he kept buried within him ,

the fear which sniffs ,

the argue with his mind and logic !

the battle which dwelled beneath him :')

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44 Reviews

Points: 1590
Reviews: 44

Sun Jan 31, 2016 2:02 pm
writervid wrote a review...

Hi! I'm here to do a review! Let's review your art, shall we?

First of all, because of the word "fuckshit" I think you need to rate this poem at LEAST 16+ for language. Making it E for Everyone is a good way to get views, but at the same time you need to take in account the stats and the logic. This is still in the Green Room in January and you posted it in early December. And do you really want 9 year olds reading this? The reason I'm asking these questions and telling your this is because a previous reviewer recommended this, and you didn't respond. I don't know why, may be you aren't on this site any more, but I think it's best if you mark it 16+.

Now to your writing! You state a lot of things directly, which generally isn't my style of poetry, but it's okay. You do it well and you provide good imagery and description...I particularly like the idea of "herb smoke". The thing I think you need the most help with is your punctuation and language.

It's not very professional to use more than one exclamation point in the same line, with both punctuation marks next to each other (like this: !!). Also, the exclamation mark loses its punch the more you use it. When you first used the exclamation mark I was very enthused but then my feelings started dropping the more you used it.

Second, it's not professional to use emojis in stuff like this. Why are you using emoticons? Don't do it. Emoticons are used in text conversations with people that are more direct than art and poetry. Your art is how you communicate with the reader. Not through emoticons. Not only that, but it breaks me out of your poem. That's not good. I suggest taking them out.

I won't go hyper-edit right now because it's clear this poem relates to you (through the mention of the name Paolo. What do your readers know of Paolo?) And because I have other things to do. It was an interesting work, and I hope this helped! I'm sorry if this was harsh!

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Points: 223
Reviews: 4

Sat Dec 05, 2015 3:37 am
take3breaths says...

WOW! love how positive this is ( kidding by the way)! i must add though, not much passion is present in this poem. is this from a first hand experience, or a story?

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44 Reviews

Points: 115
Reviews: 44

Fri Dec 04, 2015 3:15 am
SkyeWalker says...

I would change the rating to at least 16+ for language!

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10 Reviews

Points: 25
Reviews: 10

Fri Dec 04, 2015 2:02 am
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Anico146 wrote a review...

The grammar is not very good. W in woke should be capitalized,
"dude it's obvious to feel that..."
Capitalize the letter d and put a comma after that word dude. Avoid using slang if it is not necessary. "Coz" should be because and just review the capitalization and grammar. Other than that, it is very interesing.

There are three rules for writing a novel. Unfortunately, no one knows what they are.
— W. Somerset Maugham