Published December 4, 2008
I'll tell you right now: this is terrible. But that's kind of the point.
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Sometime in the near future, the Earth and all of its inhabitants come closer to complete
annihilation than any other time in the past. Fortunately, John Schmitt discovers his amazing abilities
to distinguish objects as far as the outer reaches of the galaxy. John has nothing better to do, so he
masters this new ability over a period of six years. Once he trains himself with this new-found power,
John looks toward the sky and notices a giant meteor hurdling towards the Earth. He then realizes that
he can also fly, and he accelerates towards the meteor. When he reaches the meteor, utilizing his
ability to breathe in space, he discovers that it closely replicates Norway in both size and shape. While
John tries figuring out how a meteor can resemble Norway so perfectly, he forgets to save the world,
and the meteor collides with the Earth. The meteor aligns itself perfectly with Norway, destroying all of
that country and only that country. Even two feet into Sweden, everything is still okay. But apparently
the meteor felt unsatisfied with the destruction caused to the Earth, because the meteor then bounces
off of the Earth and hurdles towards the moon.
John feels that he should visit Norway and search for survivors before saving the moon, so
he analyzes the distance from his point in space to Norway. Using his spontaneously acquired
knowledge of advanced physics, John realizes that Norway lies exactly 936,719.5724 miles away from
his current position, giving him plenty of time for visiting Norway, then saving the moon. When John
finally gets to Norway, he does not find any survivors, so he decides that he should save the moon.
He reaches the meteor in a matter of seconds, and realizes that he has no means of destroying the
meteor. John then spontaneously acquires superhuman strength that assists him in changing the
course of the meteor and diverting it from hitting the lifeless chunk of rock orbiting around planet
Earth. Just as John begins celebrating his victory, the meteor stops dead in its tracks and accelerates
straight towards the center of the moon once again.
John and the meteor fight to the death over the huge chunk of space rock for hours upon
hours, until finally, John lets his guard down for a moment. The meteor rams itself into John,
paralyzing him from the waist down. John then discovers his amazingly convenient healing abilities,
and races towards the meteor once again. He catches the meteor just before it destroys the moon,
tackling it as hard as he can. Unfortunately, John makes a miscalculation and accidentally pushes the
meteor directly into the center of the moon. The force of the meteor sends the moon spiraling towards
Earth, and the force of the moon sends the Earth spiraling towards the outer reaches of the galaxy.
Uranus makes the ultimate sacrifice by crashing into Earth and stopping it from leaving the galaxy, but
Earth only sends Uranus spiraling towards Neptune. Neptune spirals towards Saturn, Saturn hits Jupiter,
Jupiter skips Mars and crashes into Venus, and Venus collides with Mercury. Mercury somehow circles
around to the other side of the Sun and knocks it slightly towards Mars.
Now, with every planet except for Mars being destroyed—Pluto does not count, it is not
a ‘planet’—John has no planet to live on. He decides to ask the meteor if he may live there, but soon
discovers that the meteor is too busy celebrating his victory to listen. John’s only option remaining is
to live on the dreaded red planet.
When he arrives at his new home, John discovers a few native Martians that thank him for
not only eliminating every other planet in the Solar System, but for moving the Sun closer to Mars and
ending the recent cold spell. The Martians gladly make accommodations for their hero, and John
realizes that living on Mars might be better than expected. The Martians even decide to throw a
Mexican fiesta for the one who saved them from the cold, because everyone knows that aliens come
from Mexico. The Martians go into the trunk of their U.F.O. and get a couple of senoritas that they
abducted from Earth during the previous week. They give the most beautiful senorita to John, then
everyone parties all throughout the night, day, next night, next day, and for three more consecutive
nights and days. Then they party for three more extra days without stopping, but, strangely enough,
they do not party for any extra nights.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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140,546 Literary Works • 673,419 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm Knight Hardy here on a mission to ensure that all works on YWS has at least two reviews. You will probably never see this but....Imma do this anyway.
First Impression: Well clearly this one was written purely for a laugh and I can respect that...of course this means I'll be judging this very differently. Now one thing though, right off the bat, if that paragraphing is intentional...umm...there are somethings that need fixing and fast.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Uh oh I see we have done away with the paragraphing like I said earlier...its kind of confusing that way as to whether this was even meant to have a start and a end because I have seen that this issue can come up due to formatting issues and not necessarily because that's the way it was written.
Well this is very much crazy and possibly meant to be satirical but I shall inform you that it is in fact hilarious.
I see by this point Physics is just a distant memory which of course isn't an issue but being who I am, Professor Harry absolutely refused to just let this one go without making any sort of comment on it.
SorryI'm pretty sure Google could do that pretty easily and no advanced physics is needed to perform any of that.
Well umm...too bad for the people of Norway I guess...that was actually something that managed to surprise me...
Oh lord as crazy as this formatting is and as hard as it is to connect these sentences they are just so totally hilarious that we've reached a point where things are so bad that they are actually good.
Oh my goodness one side of my brain is screaming bloody murder at this total disregard for any semblance of attention to how things would happen in real life while the other half is too busy laughing at how awesome the images you are creating are.
Oh god...what ever did Mars do to be the only one to survive?
Of course the meteor is now sentient...
Another twist that actually somehow managed to surprise me...I am liking this so far...
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall it was a fun piece...the jokes definitely worked out pretty well I would say. And that's about it...
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Xena, you hit the nail on the head.
Satirical? No, except for possibly having the aliens come from Mexico.
An intentionally pointless stab at humor--apparently not a very good one? Yep.
But for some reason, I doubt we are twins.
well i liked it... some parts more then others... the end specifically was best i think... and i dont think hes satiring anything... are you? its just stupidly bad and thats that, right? i just wrote something like that too! we must be twins...
Well...that was...pointless.
Er.
I understand this is meant to be satirical, but of what in particular? The superhero genre? Or a certain superhero in particular? Perhaps a story or TV show; certain formulaic plot lines? What is it exactly? I think once you have that exact niche you want to rip into, you should go back over this and make it better.
Saying that it was meant to be terrible doesn't really excuse it. I think the best satires and parodies are the well written, well structured (and that means proper paragraph spacing, sentence structure and variation, plot, characters and eliminations of all uses of 'then' as a means of explaining the next action) and well thought out pieces.
It was funny, at times, but spiraled in the end toward loopy idiocy that didn't amuse me. You can do a lot more with this, if you actually tried.
Cheers