CHAPTER 1:
I’m A STAR
Sera studied herself in the mirror. Hair cascaded down to her back, her gown suffused with wrinkles. She smoothed them out, wishing she could soothe the nervousness in her chest. Taking a deep breath, she cleaned the dust from her boots. It was her first concert, and a mix of excitement and edginess whirled inside of her.
She checked herself in the mirror once more, nodding in approval before stepping outside. The cold air hit her face, but it was refreshing. She slid on her headphones, pressing play to her favorite song, “You’re On Your Own, Kid” by Taylor Swift. The familiar melody washed over her; she hummed along with the music, knowing each lyric and beat like the back of her palm.
As Sera walked, her mind drifted to the cheering of the crowd, the flowers being thrown onto the stage, her powerful voice enchanting the audience. She twirled around a street pole, the nervousness in her chest subsiding. A slight smile found its way to her lips, and she couldn't help it, but let it beam more.
Do you think that could ever happen to you?
Her feet slowed down, and doubt rushed into her. Why did this keep happening to her? When she thought everything was going fine, doubt came. The kind that stuck and left her wanting to give up. The kind that left her feeling like she was nothing, like she was prey to it.
She inhaled deeply, trying hard to push back her doubts. The song still played in her ears.
You're on your own, kid
Yeah, you can face this
You're on your own, kid
You always have been
It fueled her, knowing that one day it would be her turn. But tonight, she had to make it count. She would be a shining star even from the back, whether it liked it or not.
A smile spread on her face.
I’m a star.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
125,021 Literary Works • 672,740 Reviews
I enjoyed this read for the most part. I'm new here and not a "professional" reviewer, but I'll try my best to be helpful.
I like the idea and the chapter as a whole, but the individual sentences lay a bit off. I think you should vary the sentence length. I like your description and how you immerse the reader, but the sentences are similar and the reader may find themselves skimming over (I also struggle with this)
Maybe I'm just blind and dumb, but I missed the part where she was a backup singer(?).
I saw "dress" then "concert" and was like "oh, she's a singer!"
Then at "headphones," I was like, "Therapy music?"
By the end, I just concluded that the average teenage Swiftie wears dresses to concerts. Try to be a tad bit clearer.
All else? Awesome. Keep up the good work!
The first paragraph was good, showing how Sera wishes to be perfect for, but also feels nervous about the upcoming concert.
I do have a tip for it, though: turn the sentence "It was her first concert as the backup singer, and nervousness bubbled inside her." into the opening sentence. When I started reading, I felt, with all respect, a little bored. If I hadn't read the sentence I just wrote about, I wouldn't have read any farther: the way Sera checked her appearance and smoothed her gown didn't make any sense to me (to be honest, it made me think she was vain) until I read that sentence. The sentence I suggested to be turned into the opening sentence immediately shows what the story is about and feels relatable.
I loved the part "She slid on her headphones ... like the back of her palm." of the second paragraph and I could understand the first sentence of it, but I felt like the second sentence about the cold air didn't add anything to the story.
The third paragraph was amazing. I really liked what you wrote about Sera twirling around the street poles, lost in her fantasies. I do think, though, that the first sentence would be even better if you removed the "She was" behind the second comma.
The rest of the story was GREAT. I don't really have any critique on that.
I have one tip that applies to the whole story: with all respect, I believe you used the word "she" a little too much. I suggest that you could use her name a bit more, or give her a kind of nickname to vary the way you refer to her, like "the girl" or something better.
I feel like my review was a little bit unclear. Sorry for that. I apologize if I hurt your feelings with anything I said.
KEEP IT UP! The way you wrote about her feelings was amazing, and the last part made me root for her! Hope she really becomes a star by the end of the novel!
-Mask
Thanks for the tips, and I also understand when you said the first paragraph was a bit boring because I couldn't think of a great opening, but as a beginner writer. These tips were beneficial.
Thank you :3