An elderly male Chamois staggered along the side of a mountain, a kid plodding after him. The moon rose high above the snowy peaks, illuminating their long white-and-brown fur. The herd was near; the sound of hoofbeats rang in his ears. There was a pause in his raspy breathing as he swung his head to look at his young companion. "I have been indebted to your mother for a very long time, and this was her dying wish. You must stay with them for as long as you cannot defend yourself, or I will have failed her." he murmured. the kid bleated quietly, and a look of sadness crossed the old goat's face before he turned back to the trail ahead and resumed walking. Rocks crackled under his feet as his pace quickened. They turned a corner and stopped, ears pricked and eyes wide.
A few crag-leaps from where they stood, a large mass of Chamois milled, some laying down and gazing at the surrounding mountains, some chatting amongst themselves, and some bounding across the rugged terrain in search of the best grass. Several pairs of eyes immediately locked on them, flashing in the moonlight. One of them, a middle-aged female with a missing horn, rose and trotted over to them. "You been followin' us?" her voice was not hostile, simply wary. The old male shook his head before turning to nudge out the kid; it trembled though boldly turned its head up to regard her with untrusting dark optics. "He's from Eastern; Mistress' son. 'L be staying with you on orders from her." he began to hobble away.
The nanny's ears pricked. "Mistress? How is she?"
He kept walking. "She's dead." with that, he turned a corner and was gone.
By now, almost the whole herd had stopped to listen. They now broke into urgent whispers, huddling in groups among the rocks. The female that had greeted them was now silent as death, her expression giving away nothing. She, after a few moments, swiveled her gaze to look at the kid. "May I inquire your name, young'un?" she spoke in a monotone, no longer mildly curious.
Without the protection of the older Chamois, he had crumbled; his ears were flattened and a slight shiver had given way to violent shaking. "I-I don't h-h-have a-a na-ame..." he whispered.
The goat's eyes softened for a moment, and a wave of pity washed over her. She licked the top of the kid's head, to his dismay, and turned to the herd; they all swiveled their heads to gaze at her, as if on cue. "Mistress' reign has ended, but her herd is a strong one. They will survive. I regret to inform you that her kid had not reached the age of naming before she died. I have taken it upon myself to give him his title." she looked at him; he was standing a little straighter now. The nanny returned to her speech. "From now on, he will forever be called Luca."
"Luca!" the name rose into the night, dozens of voices chanting. Luca's eyes widened. He had never expected to be named; he had wanted to choose his own name. But he had, and a warm feeling spread through him. Luca he was, and Luca he would be.
Luca was a kid to envy from day one; the nanny goat, named Mathilde, looked on with pride as he grew into a fine young Chamois. Though he was a bit thin and weak, he leaped and climbed with an unshakable determination. As his teenage years dawned, he became quite the flirt, always using that signature humor to charm the females his age. Mathilde's mate, the lead male of the herd, Boris, always remarked that he would make a good heir, replied to with a teasing reassurance that he wasn't old enough to start looking for one just yet. During those little discussions, Mathilde felt slight worry prick at her. While he was not elderly, she was. Old age was getting to her; she could feel the ache in her bones whenever she moved, and often stumbled on her leap landings. Death was closer than ever. The wild was not kind to those frailed with years.
"Hey, Luca!" the young goat's voice rang out from atop a large pile of rocks, the owners fur fluttering in the strong wind. Carina was puffed up with pride, and a smirk lined her maw. Luca raised a nonexistent eyebrow, swinging his head to gaze at her. "What is it, my dear?" he inquired, mildly flirtatious.
"Y'think you can get up here? It's a fantastic view, and you'll have the bragging rights of having stood beside me." she narrowed her eyes, giving her face a more mischievous appearance. Her ego was twice the size of a mountain.
Luca grinned, getting to his hooves and bounding to the foot of the rocks. He couldn't deny it; pushing her would pay off in the end. Luca had lost her footing only once before. He would go down in history.
The goat hooked his hooves into the first crack in the rock, then pushed off with his hind legs, rocketing a good three feet into the air before shoving his back feet into a crevice, pressed against the stone. Carina, still around seven feet above him, chuckled. He could feel her sneering gaze burning into him. Setting his jaw into a line, he leaped again, reaching about four feet this time and stuck both of his front legs on to a ledge. His hind legs dangled, scrabbling vainly for a grip, but he could not find one.
Luca looked up to find Carina leaning over the side. Her eyes were clouded with worry-- serves her right, tricking me into climbing this thing."Slowly unhook your hooves and push off the side with your hind legs." she instructed, rather shamefully. Luca felt a burst of amusement, though briefly. A wave of fear had crashed over him. The drop was around ten feet in height, enough to break something if he wasn't careful. With a deep breath, he lifted his left foot from the ledge and planted it against the rock. As he jerked the other one from it's place, he catapulted off of the rock in a rather clumsy backflip, somehow landing safely at the bottom.
He gazed upward once again. Carina was laughing now, no hint of that genuine guilt in her eyes as bouts of hysterics struck her. With a scowl, he turned heel and trotted off in a vain attempt to maintain his dignity. As he turned a corner, his adopted father rushed up to him, panting. He looked grim.
"What is it now, dad?" Carina flattened his ears, annoyed. Whenever his father wanted to speak with him, he was always asking for a favor to be done or work to be finished. The relationship between them was purely servant and master, with a bit of mutual respect mixed in.
Boris hesitated before speaking. His voice was hoarse. "Your mother's dying."
“You’re lying!” Luca chuckled. His father shook his head, ears flattening against his head. His authoritative posture dwindled and he seemed to shrink. This was a position of utmost distress, and it was taken a step further by the quiet bleat that trickled from his maw.
A cold fear struck him. No one would joke about these things, he realized. “Where is she?!” he screeched. Boris turned and bounded shakily down the side of the mountain. Luca followed. They catapulted over deep crevices and scrambled up rock faces, going on without hesitation. Luca’s heart pounded with such force that he felt the very beating that kept him alive would knock him off balance and send him tumbling into the rocks below. Adrenaline shot through his veins, only making his anxious state worse. His father beside him skidded to a halt, scattering rocks down the side of the mountain. Luca leapt from the rocky crevice he had stood upon. “Where? Tell me now!” he bleated frantically. He struck a large rock with his hoof-- it followed the path of the others.
The older goat sighed, lowering his head for a bit. After a few moments, he flicked his ears toward something behind a large boulder. Luca ventured into the crack that separated it from the mountain, then gasped.
A whole rock formation had collapsed, and a group of chamois that he vaguely recognized from his colony were huddled around a body. His mother’s body.
“Let me through!” his voice rose into an eerie scream-- the goats backed away from Mathilde immediately. He sprang forward, to her side. She was too weak to move her head, but her ears pricked. She was in horrible condition; blood stained her back, and a single drop of the crimson liquid ran down her battered face.
"How...?" Hugo gasped. Mathilde blinked. Her once-bright eyes had been rendered dull and lacking in depth. The pupils shifted to look at him, and a small spark exploded to life inside them. Her mouth opened, then closed, then opened again. Luca wanted to lunge forward, to shove her to her feet, to beg for her to walk and say she was all right, but he dared not. He simply closed his eyes and pressed his forehead to hers.
The moments stretched into eternities, but by the time Luca raised his eyelids, Sun was gone.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,861 Reviews
Howdy,
I’ll begin with the general and move to the specific.
Generally:
Characterisation: You introduce a core of named characters as well as a group community, and all of them receive a sense of identity, framed by their lives as chamois. I feel like the names, traditions, and interactive gestures have all been established quite well, but I’ve noted specific examples where tweaks might be useful.
Plot: The main driver of the plot seems to be big events in Hugo’s life, like his movement between communities, the deaths of his mother-figures, and his naming. It would be good to get a glimpse of an external threat, or a character who might be actively working against Hugo’s interests. Not necessarily in this chapter though, since you already have a lot going on.
Onto the specifics:
“male Chamois”
Doesn’t need a capital. It’s something all aspiring fantasy writers do though, must mean we’re part german or something; Germans are all about capitals and nouns.
“The moon rose high”
Rose is a verb, which makes this sound like an action that takes place somewhat quickly or suddenly. Maybe “had risen”, or maybe it’s not an issue. Either way.
“her dying wish. You must stay with them for always and always, or I will have failed her."”
My gut tells me that first period should be a colon.
“the kid bleated”
This is the beginning of a new sentence, hence capitalisation.
“yet still a couple of tones past casual”
This was a little difficult for me. It relies on this idea that vocal tones are naturally laid out on a spectrum that includes casual and whatever one she’s using and that there’s a consistent space and progression between them. It’s a little distracting.
“to nudge out the kid”
Nudge out is unclear. Does this mean he’s nudging the kid forward?
“ it trembled though”
What is *it*, and why isn’t it gendered?
“untrusting dark optics”
Obscure synonyms like optics can be very distracting from the flow of the text when their primary purpose is to be an obscure synonym, rather than to describe more clearly.
“He's from Eastern”
What is Eastern? Is it a place, or individual? We’re not clear. It’s ok to keep the reader in the dark, so long as you mean to.
“with that, he turned a corner and was gone.”
This is appropriately dramatic, in the sense of “old goat exits stage right”, but does it match the setting? I feel like there weren’t any corners described earlier.
“She, after a few moments, swiveled “
After a few moments, she swivelled”
“lest the Great Boundlessness forbid it."”
This reads as though if he isn’t named Hugo, the great boundlessness might forbid something, whereas I think you mean that he is to be called Hugo, unless the great boundlessness forbids it.
“But he had, “
Had been named*, as the previous idea was that he wanted to name himself, and that doesn’t occur here.
“that signature humor”
Which signature? His signature? The signature of his clan?
“the lead male of the herd, Queztalcoatl”
What’s up with the internal inconsistency of these names? They seem to be drawn from very different cultures, and serve as titles, divine affiliations, or classical references.
“ replied to with a teasing “
Who’s replying to whom here? It’s a little unclear.
“to those frailed with years.”
Frail*
“Hugo raised a nonexistent eyebrow,”
This is a little jarring. I feel like this would be a good time to create an appropriate equivalent for a species that wouldn’t use a human gesture, given how inappropriate it is for their biology.
“Hugo felt a burst of amusement, though briefly.”
“A brief burst*” would get rid of that hanging subclause
“he catapulted off of the rock “
That “of” is a little redundant.
“with a bit of mutual respect mixed in.”
This kind of cuts against the grain of the rest of the sentiment. Hugo feeling respected is honestly a pretty big consolation in that relationship.
“This was a position”
You haven’t really described the posture, just what it looked like. Describing its affect again doesn’t give us a better idea of what’s actually happening in this scene.
“going on without hesitation.”
“Going on” seems a little limp when there are so many good evocative words for travelling, especially in rough terrain.
“only making his anxious state worse”
Only worsening his anxious state
“His father beside him skidded to a halt”
“Beside him, his father skidded to a halt” otherwise it sounds like the location of the father distinguishes him from other fathers.
“he flicked his ears toward something behind a large boulder”
Just have him flick his ears toward a large boulder. Also, love the ear flick as a goat gesture. It’s a real winner.
“an eerie scream”
“Eerie” is an odd word to choose.
“in horrible condition”
in a* horrible condition
"Everything's okay, I'm here..."
I could imagine this sentiment from a parent to a wounded child, but from a younger relative it just sounds foolish and arrogant. Again, not sure what you’re going for here.
“ lacking in depth”
Perhaps you’d settle for “opaque”?
“He simply closed his eyes and pressed his forehead to hers.”
This right here is a winner. It’s a gesture of profound love and an acceptance of the inevitability of pain and loss. Strong characterising moment.
“into eternities”
You don’t have multiple eternities. The idea of eternity is a literal forever, of which there could only ever be one. It’d be like saying “into forevers”. It’s not dramatic.
Hope this was helpful. Find me on my wall or via PM if you have comments or queries.
Cheers.
Happy Review Day! Flash here for a review.
First, I must say... YAY AN ANIMAL STORY! Sorry for the caps. XD I really, really love animal stories yet there are very few here on YWS. So! Onto the review.
Is there a reason why the dialogue is in bold? It makes the dialogue somewhat confusing.
Speaking of confusing, there are a few characters being introduced here and keeping up with them is quite confusing. Maybe it's the dialogue that's throwing me off, but I feel like it was hard keeping up with everyone.
Overall, this was a very well-written and descriptive piece. I quite enjoy it and the fact that it's an animal story. <3 I'll definitely be keeping up with this one!
Keep writing!
~Flash
i don't actually know why i put the dialogue in bold-- i guess to separate it from the main body. thank you, and i'll try to work with your suggestions next chapter!
Hello, Sunflowerr! Happy Review Day!
Wow. So much happened in the first paragraph. You introduced the story well, but I was so surprised when I realised that the main characters were goats! There's nothing wrong with this at all, it's just rare to see stories about non humans. I like the way you wrote about the goats, you made them seem just like us. Sort of like a parallel world.
When I first looked at your work, I was a little worried about having the speech in bold. However, now that I've read through I think it's a clever idea. It makes it easy to see what is speech and what isn't.
You must stay with them for always and always, or I will have failed her.
Always and always sounds too repetitive. Just one always would be fine.
When Hugo gets his name, he doesn't seem too upset that his mum is dead; she was his mum, right? Unless it's a 'goat thing' to not have feelings concerning your family, you should add some more emotion to the scene.
Oh. I think I get it now. He never really knew his real mother? It would be good to mention that then. On to his adopted mother; her death was very sad and well written. You portrayed excellent emotion in that part.
That's my review done. Hopefully I helped.
thank you! i'll definitely consider those points in the future. the 'always and always' thing was a flashback to a rudyard kipling story i once read.