Dear Sienna,
Where can I even start?
You’ll never read this; in fact I know that this won’t ever reach you. But my fingers still drag across the keyboard, shaking, but nonetheless typing. It started off as therapeutic reasons, now it’s become a daily habit. After work, everyday, I’ll sit on the chair and write about things that happened: things I saw, heard, smelt, experienced and felt. Everything. I should be able to say this stuff by now but the sound of your low voice in the morning and your laughter keep on repeating inside my head and my breath comes out in garbled gasps. Some days, even the mere thought of you creates a monster inside of me, one that chains my throat and mouth and chest but leaves my fists free to express a feeling that I have yet to grasp. It claws its way above the pathetic whimpers that are left of my voice and now even the action of my tongue forming the soft melody of words seems foreign.
I’m moving to New York, I finally got the job I’ve been working towards. It was a long, tiring path that led to that decision, could you forgive me for selling our house? The house with the gardens you spent several weekends tending, where you would always hum in pleasure when a plant grew even the tiniest bit taller and my mouth would curl up at the edges, an action that I had no control over. I know that the walls are only layers of concrete laid out to replicate blue prints but I can’t help thinking that the walls of our house held all the breaths we let out when we laughed and talked. The solid, wooden floor knew how each callous on our feet got there, it would creak and groan with a hidden melody of its own. On the nights where the raindrops would slowly trickle down the window and the only view of the outside world was that of the dimmed lights of the sprawling city, the rhythmic downpour sounded like dancing feet that would complement the tune created by the floor.
I am sorry for not keeping my promise that I would always be with you. I am sorry that the best I could do was sit down on an old wooden chair, in a room where the only light that we saw was when the sun rays sneakily crept out of the cracks in the curtain. A room that seemed too insignificant to have you let out your last breaths there. One night, I walked away and let my body drown with each shot I took and in that moment, it was comforting to hear the waves roaring in my blood. A nurse once told me to take deep breaths when my breathing gets erratic and I feel dizzy, but she didn’t explain the feeling of guilt that accompanied every breath I took.
Deep breath.
I remember the day we
didn’t go to the music festival you had always talked about
because I thought it wasn't worth the effort.
Deep breath.
My
mind is flooded with numerous times when we sat next to each other
and I can still hear the silence of us just blankly staring into our
phones. I wonder what conversations we could have had.
Deep
breath.
I love you, I love you, I love you and I wish there was more
time for me to repeat it and that I wasn't so weak that all I
can do is wish.
In your presence, you brought out a piece of me I never even knew existed. I’m still trying to be that person, but it’s so hard sometimes because although I wish some things didn’t happen, they did, and I’m trying to understand that. Despite all the fights and disagreements we’ve had, I’ll always remember the better times. That seems like the only way I can repay you for everything that you had done for me. You helped me through my darkest days and laughed with me through the good days, for that I’m so thankful for what we had and I hope you are too.
Truthfully, I’m afraid I’ll never stop loving you.
I really love you and I miss you, more than ever.
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Canary word: Present
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125,015 Literary Works • 672,849 Reviews
Hello.
I'll review this as I read along.
So the first paragraph has too many 'but' s in it. Try replacing it with another word.
There was a sentence that was too long :
" I should be able to say this stuff by now but the sound of your laughter, your voice and the expected sound of plates tumbling as soon as you had always stepped into the kitchen, keep on repeating inside my head and my breath comes out in garbled gasps. "
Try to split this into separate ones.
In the second paragraph :
" It was a long, tiring path that led to that decision, could you forgive me for selling our house? "
Remove the comma after 'decision' and replace it with a full stop. The second part will be fine on it's own.
I loved the "deep breath" part.
I'd suggest you to put it in a separate paragraph. Would make it stand out.
WOW.
So i finished reading it. It was beautiful, just simply amazingly , beautiful.
These lines gave me goosebumps:
"
A nurse once told me to take deep breaths when my breathing gets erratic and I feel dizzy, but she didn’t explain the feeling of guilt that accompanied every breath I took."
wow.
Your writing style was almost poetic, so it can be under both short story or poetry. No worries on that. I loved this piece of writing. Great job!
Rating: 9/10
Hassan
Hello
Thankyou for your constructive criticism (I will most definitely start fixing some stuff up) and your compliments! And thankyou for the awesome rating you had given this piece. :p
Hey, Summerlovee. I see you are on my team! We are the ninjas! I'm gonna go ahead and review this piece and get it out of the green room and get us some more points!
To start off, I love letters like this. They always express so much feeling and it's amazing. Yours is no different. I will say that it isn't really a poem though, even though you put it in that category. It’s more of a short story then a poem.
In the first paragraph, you say that: "I’ll sit on the chair and write about things that happened: things I saw, heard, smelt, experienced and felt.”and you should change ‘smelt’ to smelled. I love the nervousness of your character. Her trembling hands make everything a lot more real.
The last two lines in your first paragraph are jaw-droppingly beautiful. I couldn't have expressed those feelings better. I think you really did a great job with letting the reader experience the emotion with whomever is writing the letter.
In the second paragraph, you say: “And I know that walls are only layers of concrete that has been systematically laid out to perfectly replicate the measurements that had been drawn out on pieces of paper” I think that this sentence is a little bit too long. I get where you were going with it but I think that it could have ended a little sooner then it did. Maybe something along the lines of: “I know that the walls are only layers of concrete laid out to replicate blue prints, but...”.
There isn't much else to say about the rest of the letter. It probably brings a lot of emotion back up which I completely understand. I know how hard it is to write letters like this. Thanks a lot for sharing with us and I hope to read more of the things you write!
Hello fellow ninja member! :p Thankyou so much for this review, you gave me some really good advice and I will fix up the areas that need a little bit of fixing. Also, thankyou for your compliments, it means a lot
Hello, and happy Review Day ;>
So, first off I want to say that I absolutely love this. I thought it was just epic (that's still a thing right), anyways it was like liquid gold flooding a page. The writing style was beautiful and it flowed quite nicely. One thing I think could be changed (really the only thing) is that it is put under poetry. Now I am not saying it cannot be there I'm just saying personally I would put under other because it's more of a letter then poetry and seems best fit for the category. All together though, I loved it and I think that it would be really cool if it was used in some sort of story.
----Myjaspercat
Good luck and continue writing.
Yep, pretty sure epic is still a thing :p I was thinking about including it in a story...hmm I should start writing the piece. And thankyou so much for this review, it means a lot to me.
no problem
Hi summerlove, Amindor here.
I truly love this. It shows just how much love can affect one's life, and it's very sad and beautiful. It has touched my heart in ways most things cannot, and there are no other words to describe it. I don't see any errors, so that's good. It's so beautiful and has a great flow for the reader. Good job.
Thank you so much for your kind review!
Somehow, I just love it. Will be back soon for review