My boy. Riley James. The name popped into my head and I still call him that. People didn’t understand how I could know he was a boy, but I did. I just knew.
It was one of those things that haunts you and sticks in your brain. I still can’t wrap my head around it, but I’ll never forget it. It’s a horrible dream that I never thought would happen, but has turned out to be my worst nightmare. Sometimes I wonder if I’ll ever stop feeling sick about it. Probably not.
I was supposed to be happy. I was meeting friends at the mall, something I hadn’t done in a while. I had had horrendous cramps and aches in my back the past two days, which I took as a sign of my time of the month. Since my friends were running late, I decided I should use the bathroom when I could. I finished and went to go flush the toilet.
Oh shit. Tell me that’s not what I think it is...
Ba-thump. Ba-thump.
No, no, no, no, no, no. I didn't know I was ...
Ba-thumpa-thump, ba-thumpa-thump
Oh. My. God. This can’t be happening. We were careful!
Thumpathumpathumpathumpa
What do I do?! What the HELL do I do?!
THUMP THUMP THUMP
I can’t believe it. I didn’t even know... and now...
Everything seemed to go in slow motion. Numbly, I walked out of the stall over to the sinks.
What kind of god would do this? If there is a god, he sure hates me...
I slathered soap on my hands and scrubbed them so roughly while washing them they became red. While rinsing them I studied my face in the mirror. I was so pale I was almost grey, and my eyes flashed with anger. They were red and brimming with tears.
Fwwwshhhhh
Not wanting to be seen, I bolted out the door. Confrontation was the last thing I wanted. I quickly plopped into a chair in a nearby sitting area and whipped out my phone. Word salad. A text to my boyfriend babbling about pain and confusion and absolute fear.
People passed and stared. I kept my head down and turned away. I could faintly hear something disturbing and loud in the background, but I ignored it. Tears flowed freely as I tried to explain to him what happened. His responses were short, but it was obvious how much pain he was in. Fresh tears. I watched as the lady across from me glared at me and dragged her kids away, covering their ears. The noise was coming from me.
I bit my tongue and wiped my eyes furiously.
Regain composure. Don’t give anything away.
I somehow pulled myself together and searched for my friends. They were waiting at the food court and waved me over. My heart sank just looking at their smiling faces.
Fuck. How do I pretend nothing happened? I can’t say something now...
Calmly, I strode over. Forced smile. No eye contact.
Don’t say anything, don’t say anything, don’t say anything. It’s too depressing.
“So I was thinking about going to Forever 21, sound good?”
“Hmmm? Oh, uh, sure.”
Fuck, fuck, FUCK. Be normal. Smile. Don’t tell. Just don’t tell.
“First I wanna get something to eat...”
Oh God... they’re all excited about this. They have no idea what happened. I lost a baby I didn’t know I had...
“Let’s go to Panera!”
I just sat there nodding, smiling like an idiot. I blinked furiously to make sure I wouldn't start to cry. I could feel the corners of my mouth beginning to twitch. My blood was already beginning to boil.
“Panera sounds good... hey, are you okay?”
Oh no, oh no. Don’t be stupid, just don’t be st-
“No, I’m not okay! You know what? I just had a fucking miscarriage! How am I supposed to be okay?!”
Thumpathumpathumpathumpathumpa
I immediately burst into tears. They ‘consoled’ me by telling me I was too young for a baby anyways. I pretended that their words made me feel better, but of course they didn’t. They just didn’t understand how I felt. I had never wanted to have a child young and out of wedlock, but I found myself wanting to still be pregnant more than anything else in the world.
They say all wounds heal with time. It’s a lie. I know that I’ll always miss him. No matter how many other children I have, I’ll always be missing one. The fact that he’s gone has made me feel empty; empty womb, empty heart, empty arms.
I’ve lost several relatives, and this is much different. You hold a funeral for a relative. You look back on fond memories and smile through the tears when you think of a particularly special one. When you lose a baby, there’s none of that. People never expect to lose something so young and precious, so when we do, we have no way to prepare for it.
Now, I’m not a religious person in the slightest, but if there is a god, I know he’s got Riley with him. It’s the only real comfort I find. The night I miscarried, I actually prayed for the first time in years, asking that if someone’s up there, that they hold a spot for my little boy. I asked if they’d tell him I missed him more than anything, but I’d see him someday. I sobbed bitterly through it, and I must’ve prayed for over a half hour, but it helped. And somehow, I feel like he actually heard me.
This is a very traumatic story and I appreciate your willingness to write and share it. My critiques are the exact same as everyone else's.
I guess in a revision I want to see more hurt and I know that's a difficult thing to do, but if you can do it, then by all means draw people's attention to it. A true, powerful story is the best story. Also, I want more tension with the people staring at her and in the mall scene. Somehow, I feel that there isn't enough.
Good story and good job.
Hi!
Well.. I must say, I really like this story, and I don't agree that you should've left the first part out. If it started with her going to a mall with her friends, personally I'd probably just move on, because that wouldn't seem to me like something I'm really interested in reading. Perhaps you could have gone without that short first paragraph - but I like it being there, and (though perhaps I owe that to English not being my first language) I didn't see at once just what the text will be about, though it did make me read it on. Still, the second paragraph was what gave me shivers and made me wish to read it again.
When I read the story, it makes me feel like you know, either from your personal or from someone you know's experience, exactly how it feels. Perhaps it's just because you didn't put much descriptions in it, making it simple though emotional and touching at the same time..
Just as everyone, I loved the sounds of heartbeats.. they for sure contribute to the whole atmosphere of your story
All in all, you did a good job getting trough to the readers, and I advice you never to stop writing ^_^
Kind regards,
Aria
Oh! And I forgot to say that I like the name Riley James a lot ^^
Thanks! It actually was my own personal experience, and I decided to write down what happened to get some closure. But thanks for the review
Hey there
I really like what this story is about and I consider it well written.
I only have one suggestion - not to make it clear what this story is about in the first couple of pharagraphs, but in the latest parts. I think it would make the reader not stop reading wether they like it or not.
Keep writing,
Klara
Thanks, will do
Hello,
This is great theme that has a lot of potential for a emotional ride. Sady, you seem to be just reaching out for it. You can definitely work on this to make it better.
Some of my comments:
1. The starting 2 paragraphs : You could lose it. This tells us what is going to happen. You can create more drama and suspense by directly going to the next scene.
2. Fbombing : While I understand the scenario and need for it, you should tone down the ALL CAPS! Please don't shout and frighten the readers away.
3. I love the incorporation of thumpathuping onomatopoeic words. Yay!
4. Emotional description : I adore well written strong emotions. That may range from feeling empty to blinding anger. Here, your story has the potential to develop in this vein. Please work on this. Show us more of her misery. Portray it in such a way that we (readers) sympathize with the situation. Show us how she struggled. Show us the misery and acceptance. Show us her feelings. Don't just describe it in a 2D fashion, make the readers understand it. Like "She was angry" vs. "She clenched her nails into the balls of her fist. Her eys were red." The second type of description can help work wonders to your story. (This is the old Show vs. tell issue)
Keep writing!
Cheers!
Rereading what I said, I agree. I'll try to explain more of my emotions ) Thanks!
No worries!
Also, I'm editing this piece to add a rating in the description. Since we have younger members as well, we need to keep up the ratings.
I really loved this story, simple as it may be. It carried a lot of weight on the emotional part. I like the dialogue too, but I think the caps were a tad bit unnecessary, exclamation marks would do the trick
The story flows well, from the introduction, which I like too, to the end. One thing though. You used the phrase "without rhyme or reason", now that's something you don't see too often in stories. Sometimes simpler is better, you don't have to use catchy words or phrases for a story to turn out fantastic.
I liked how the heartbeat sounds were in bold, gives more attention to it and also it seems very real. The thoughts in italics too.
Since my friends were running late, I decided I should definitely use the bathroom when I could. Finish and go to flush the toilet.
Now this sentence is a little weird, why "definitely"? Without that word the sentence would have flowed pretty well but "definitely" makes it seem that there's an actual reason for it, not just an urge to use the bathroom. Also "Finish and go to flush the toilet" seems kind of broken in language. The transition here is also weird.
Hope that my review helped! One more note, some parts were more descriptive than others, such as the washroom part, wasn't really that descriptive.
Thanks! Your review actually helped quite a bit