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Young Writers Society



Nothing's Fair in Teen Love and War (chapter 3)

by summergrl13


Here comes the third chapter (sorry I couldn't get it on before. First I got logged out by mistake, then I didn't have enough money,...) so get ready for my best chapter yet:

Alicia raced through the cafeteria doors and turned the corner. That was so stupid of me! Why'd I have to be that shy? she thought angrily to herself as she came to the deserted hallway where her locker was. He probably hates me now! She reached her locker, grabbed her com and opened it. She checked the marked up schedule. The next class was... gym with Dylan. She groaned loudly and looked around to see that, fortunately, nobody had heard her utter that huge groan. She grabbed her gym clothes and zipped into the girls' locker room.

She got dressed for gym slowly, pondering on what to say to Dylan once she got there. When the other girls came in, chatting and laughing, Alicia had barely gotten changed into a gym shirt. She hurriedly checked the clock. She still had almost five minutes. She dawdled getting the rest of her clothes on just so that she didn't have to spend more time in the gym than necessary.

Finally, as she was taking off her sandals and putting on sockes and black Converses, she glanced at the clock, thinking that she had maybe a minute and a half left, and did a double take. Gym was about to start in thirty secounds! Nobody else was in the locker room either. Another bad sign. She ignored the dangling laces on her shoes and jammed her regular clothes into her changing locker.

She ran down the hall to the other side of the school were the gymnasium was like she had never run before. The hallways were so quiet and empty you could hear a pin drop. She skidded to a stop just before the gym doors and came in pretending to have been walking the whole time.

Everybody had started warm-ups and stared at her. It was obvious that she had been running full-blast down the hall. Her ponytail had little bits of her caramel colored hair flying, her face was bright red and her breathing was hard and heavy. She glanced around and seeing that the coach was barking at another student and hadn't seen her come in late, she quickly sat behind a tall girl with short blonde hair and did warm-ups with the whole class.

She held her breath as the coach told the boy to sit in his office until gym was over and stomped back over to them. "That young man was late and thought he wouldn't get caught running down the halls. WELL HE DID!" He yelled, showering the kids up front with flecks of spittle. "And don't let me ever catch anyone else doing tat either," he warned, his face reddening, his veins throbbing, and his voice lowering dangerously.

"But let's not dwell on that rule-breaker right now. Today we're playing dodgeball!" Most of the kids whooped and cheered. A few of them groaned. Alicia didn't say anything. She didn't know anything about dodgeball. She tapped the shoulder of the girl in front of her.

The girl turned around and smiled at her and said, "Oh hi! I'm Mallory Stillwell! You must be new here because I know most of the kids in 8th grade and I've never seen you before. What did you want to ask me?" "Hi, my name's Alicia Corosey. I haven't been to school since kindergarten and I don't know dodgeball so can you give me the rules," Alicia asked, feeling abot 5 years old. "Okay split into two teams. This side versus that side," the coach bellowed.

Mallory whispered all the rules into Alicia's ear as t a kid started to roll out the balls. "Got it all down?" Alicia nodded. "Good then get ready to play some dodgeball!" Mallory said as the stretched a little to loosen up before playing. "Ready..." the coach barked. Kids ran up front and others ran back against the wall. Alicia grabbed a ball that was bouncing towards her. "Set..." More kids had a change of mind and ran to the back. Alicia held her ball before her face and squeezed her eyes shut.

"THROW!" the coach yelled blowing his whistle. Balls were thrown at random, hoping to hit someone, anyone. They flew in every direction and kids scattered. "Okay, so I throw like this?" Alicia asked Mallory, whipping a ball at an oblivious fat kid and hitting him with a loud smack in the stomach. Mallory winced for him as he doubled over and crawled on his hands and knees over to the benches. "Did I hit him too hard?" Alicia gasped, shocked at how hard it had hit him. "No, just keep doing that," Mallory said, dumbfounded.

Together Alicia and Mallory wworked as a well-oiled machine. Alicia threw the balls at anyone that wasn't paying attention and almost always hit her target. Mallory mostly caught balls and told her about incoming balls because, although she was pretty good at dodgeball, she wasn't as good as Alicia.

Soon their were only four people left in the game. It was Alicia and Mallory vs. Dylan and a girl named Amy, who was snobby and thought that she was popular. "Awww, crap!" Mallory whispered to Alicia. "What?" "Dylan's the best dodgeball player in the whole junior high! Nobody ever beats him!" Mallory said, a note of panic in her voice.

"Teams shake hands to show good sportsmanship," the coach said in a bored kind of way. Alicia shook hands first with Amy, who sneered at her, and then with Dylan. Dyaln leaned over and whispered in her ear, "May the best man win, and I intend to do so," he teased. "Good luck with that; you'll need it," Alicia teased back. "Ready.... Set.... THROW!"

For awhile they all threw balls and dodged without anything happening. But Amy broke a nail throwing a ball and turned away to examine it. Alicia quickly threw a ball at her and it hit her foot. Amy, being the natural-born drama queen, screamed and limped to the benches groaning and wailing, even though Alicia hadn't even thrown it very hard. Alicia and mallory turned and gave each other high-fives, when wham! a ball hit Mallory hard in the side and she fell backward. Now it was just Dylan and Alicia.

Dylan immediately backed up because he knew that if Alicia were to come up closer he would hit her and if she were to throw a ball from where she was he'd catch it because it wouldn't have the force it usually did. So Dylan would chuck the balls as hard as he could and Alicia would try to catch them, realize that she couldn't and just end up dodging them.

Mallory realized that her friend was in trouble so she and a couple of her friends started stomping their feet and cheering for her. It slowly spread and soon everyone on the bleachers started to scream and cheer for Alicia. Dylan looked up in the stands awestruck, but snapped out of it so he could focus on the game. Just as he was turning around a ball greeted his face with a loud smack! and the game was over. Alicia had won.

When Alicia and Mallory left the gym, people patted them on the back and congratulated them warmly. All day long the school was a buzz about it. "Did you hear that that new girl Alicia beat Dylan in dodgeball?" "... and then Alicia hit him right in the face!" "I still can't believe that a new girl that never played dodgeball before actually beat Dylan!"

At the end of the day when everyone went back to homeroom for ten minutes to talk and do a little homework. Alicia and Dylan talked and Alicia apoloigized for running off at lunch. "Yeah, that's okay," Dylan said, flashing his cute smile at her. "Hey um, where do you live?" "Oh, I live in the big brick house on Knox Drive. It's the first one." she said smiling back. "Oh, I know where that is. I live in the street across from it. Want to walk home together?" Dylan asked, his green eyes pleading. "Sure!" Alicia grinned even wider.

They walked and chatted the whole way. It was just so... comfortable to talk to him alone, Alicia thought. Her hand brushed his and he smiled at her while she blushed red. She looked deep into those grass green eyes and felt like she would absolutely melt under the sun's heat and look of those eyes.

They seemed to reach the empty driveway too soon, though. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow," Alicia whispered. Dylan didn't respond but he just walked closer to her. He kissed her and she felt herself drifting away on cloud nine as she kissed him back. It was utter bliss and there was nothing like the soft warmth of his lips on hers. He put his arms around her waist and she put on his shoulders. They kissed long and passionately and when they stopped, Alicia wanted to grab him and kiss him forever.

"Will you go out with me, Alicia?" Dylan murmured, looking as astonished as she felt but still pleased with the kiss. Alicia looked up into his face and saw that his face was pleading, ready to hang on to every word she would say. "You didn't even need to ask me that," she whispered softly, pulling him into a warm embrace. She breathed in his smell of nature and the dew on grass.

"My parents will be home soon so you have to leave," Alicia said sadly. Dylan nodded, pulled out his skate board and skating down the driveway, giving her a last fleeting glance as he waved and shouted goodbye. Alicia smiled and waved back. Today had been the best day Alicia could ask for and she knew that tomorrow would be even better.

Yeah, I know it's really long and you're all like 'Hey, when the nothing's fair part gonna come in the story?' Well, just wait and it'll happen. Please comment!


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Wed Apr 09, 2008 7:06 pm
JC wrote a review...



Oh hi! I'm Mallory Stillwell! You must be new here because I know most of the kids in 8th grade and I've never seen you before. What did you want to ask me?"

Definently not the right way to introduce a character I assume we're supposed to like. I mean, have you ever heard of somebody ever talking like that? I certainly havent. You're writing a novel, you've got time, don't worry.

Things to Rember, I've told you before:
Watch your dialogue! In the previous chapters I've shown you how to do it, corrected yours, and so on and so forth, yet I haven't really seen any change. If I'm just thowing shots in the dark by critiquing you, then please tell me.

:) Characters:
For some reason whenever you write from Alica's side, your writing gets stronger, now try to take some of that energy and push it into Dylans side.

:idea: Plot:
Okay, so when writing, you have to remember two very important things:
1. The age group you intend to write to.
2. The age of your characters.

A sixteen/seventeen year old might not buy this book simply because the characters are younger than they are. Think about it, do you still read books where the MC's are seven or eight? Probably not. So you're writing to a middle/early high school age group, and the passionate kiss, I'm sorry to tell you, just isn't right for that, ESPECIALLY because they've only known each other for a day.

Tone down the kiss, please, or take it out. Plus, it is entirely unlikely that he would have asked her out right then and there, if I were her I would be suspicious.

____________________________
This is going to be my last critique for this story. I feel like you aren't taking full advantage of the help you're being given, and are falling way into the "people like my story" side of things. It seems like you aren't posting for critiques, you're posting for praise. Tell me if I'm wrong.

Yes, you have a good story, but don't let it get to your head. The story is good, the writing needs work. I'm sorry if I sound harsh, but it's just the way of the world. If you presented this to a publisher, or agent the way it is now, they wouldn't take it because there is so much that needs to be edited. I know it's a first draft, but you should still take the critisim you're getting and use it to your advantage now, while you can, and not later.

Best of luck, and keep up the good work,
-JC




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Tue Apr 08, 2008 6:08 pm
KJ wrote a review...



Hey. I had a few problems with this. In the very beginning Alicia was beating herself up for being SHY? I didn't get that vibe in Chap. 2. She just giggled at something Dylan said. I wouldn't call that shy, and even if she was she has no reason to be upset about it.

I also felt that you had some character inconsistensies. In the beginning I felt that Alicia was unbearably, as you said, shy. But then, all too quickly, it seems as if she's confident and flirtacious.

Why does Dylan like her so fast? You'd think he'd actually want to know her before asking her out.

Don't get me wrong, it's cute, but it's all moving too fast for me. And where's the plot? The scandal?

Anywho, just wanted to let you know.




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Tue Apr 08, 2008 5:42 pm
mizz-iceberg wrote a review...



This was from Alicia's perspective, right?
Great job again!

She ran down the hall to the other side of the school were the gymnasium was like she had never run before.


This part seem rather unnecessary and makes the sentence awkward.

The hallways were so quiet and empty you could hear a pin drop.


Either use a comma or a the word 'that' after empty.

"And don't let me ever catch anyone else doing tat either," he warned, his face reddening, his veins throbbing, and his voice lowering dangerously.


tat should be that.

Also, this a suggestion, instead of 'don't let me ever', how about 'don't ever let me'?



The girl turned around and smiled at her and said, "Oh hi! I'm Mallory Stillwell! You must be new here because I know most of the kids in 8th grade and I've never seen you before. What did you want to ask me?" "Hi, my name's Alicia Corosey.* I haven't been to school since kindergarten and I don't know dodgeball so can you give me the rules," Alicia asked,** feeling abot*** 5 years old


Ok first of I know that when I tap a girl on the shoulder, that I don't know, we don't start right away on the introductions and our life biography.

Maybe you she can first ask her question and then through out the game they can get to know each other...??

* - After Mallory is done talking, you should hit enter before Alicia starts talking. So Alica's part should be in a new paragraph.

**-Alicia is asking a question, so take out that period and put a question mark in its place.

*** About is spelled wrong.

Mallory whispered all the rules into Alicia's ear as t a kid started to roll out the balls.


...???

There were the tings that mainly jumped out at me.

Also the kiss was rather...I don't know I think you're going to fast with their relationship. Maybe if you showed us what they talked about when they walked together...but the thing as a reader is that we don't know exactly what they think of each other. Do you understand what I mean.

Other than that, great job again!

...moving on to the next chapter...




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Tue Apr 08, 2008 1:31 am



Hey, I'm only 13 and I've had more than my fair share of kisses with my ex-boyfreind! Keep writing!!




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Sun Mar 16, 2008 11:01 am
Kalliope wrote a review...



Hey summergrl13 :),

Alicia raced through the cafeteria doors and turned the corner. That was so stupid of me! Why'd I have to be that shy? she thought angrily [s]to herself[/s]as she came to the deserted hallway where her locker was. He probably hates me now!


I think you should scratch the 'to herself'. It's kind of obvious. Also I'd suggest you make the 'Why'd I have to be so shy?' a 'Why do I have to be so shy?' since she is speaking of one of her characteristics that are a part of her and not only in the given situation. I think she'd be angry about being shy in general, not only about being shy that moment. Think about it ;)

She reached her locker, grabbed her com and opened it. She checked the marked up schedule. The next class was... gym with Dylan. She groaned loudly...


Try rewording this.

She groaned loudly and looked around to see that, fortunately, nobody had heard [s]her utter that huge groan[/s].


You already said she groaned loudly once, plus 'utter that huge groan' is a little wordy, don't you think? Maybe use '..., fortunately nobody had heard her.'?

She hurriedly checked the clock. She still had almost five minutes. She dawdled getting the rest of her clothes on just so that she didn't have to spend more time in the gym than necessary.


All the shes really weigh the whole thing down. Try to ditch some of them.

Alicia didn't say anything. She didn't know anything about dodgeball. She tapped the shoulder of the girl in front of her.


Same here.

The dialouge between Mallory and Alicia:

The girl turned around and smiled [s]at her[/s] [Kind of obvious, no?]and said, "Oh hi! I'm Mallory Stillwell! You must be new here because I know most of the kids in 8th grade and I've never seen you before. What did you want to ask me?"
"Hi, my name's Alicia Corosey. I haven't been to school since kindergarten and I don't know dodgeball so can you give me the rules," Alicia asked, feeling abot 5 years old.


Um... both of the characters seem to ramble a bit here. I underlined the parts I think you might want to drop.
Both parts of the dialouge sound a little stiff. Think about rephrasing this. Listen to people around you talk. It helps a lot.
In my opinion the two girls need to sound much more casual and ramble less. They're thirteen or fourteen years old and meeting in middle school gym class. Let this scene sound more like that.


I don't know dodgeball so can you give me the rules


How about making this 'I've never played dodgeball before so can you explain the ules for me, please?' or something like that?

Mallory whispered [s]all[/s] the rules into Alicia's ear as [s]t [/s]a kid started to roll out the balls.


To me the 'all' sounds a bit out of place here. Plus a small typo.

"Did I hit him too hard?" Alicia gasped, shocked at how hard it had hit him.


Maybe reword the underlined part? In any case I'd replace the 'it' with 'The ball'.

Together Alicia and Mallory wworked as a well-oiled machine.


Worked I suppose ;)

Soon their were only four people left in the game. It was Alicia and Mallory vs. Dylan and a girl named Amy, who was snobby and thought that she was popular.


Try to show this. Not tell. Plus it seems a bit random here since you don't say anything about the other characters still in the game (not that you need to). Show that Amy is a snob by the way she acts, don't just tell us.


At first I was going to tell you that I think it's a little early for Dylan and Alicia to kiss, since they only just met and it's Alicia's first day at the new school and everything, but they seem to be pretty astonished themselves so I think it's really cute.
Anyway as already mentined they seem a lot older when they kiss. Maybe you should try making them a little more unexperienced.

She looked deep into those grass green eyes and felt like she would absolutely melt under the sun's heat and look of those eyes.


This for example. It seems a little much.

They seemed to reach the empty driveway too soon, though. "I guess I'll see you tomorrow," Alicia whispered. Dylan didn't respond but he just walked closer to her. He kissed her and she felt herself drifting away on cloud nine as she kissed him back. It was utter bliss and there was nothing like the soft warmth of his lips on hers. He put his arms around her waist and she put on his shoulders. They kissed long and passionately and when they stopped, Alicia wanted to grab him and kiss him forever.


I think I'd really rework this part. Just picture the situation again. They're 13/14. Alicia is really shy and it's her first day at school. Dylan is cute and, yes I think him kissing her is realistic, but do you really think it would be the way you described it? Think about it :)
Especially keeping in mind that right after their kiss they both are somewhat astonished.

Alicia looked up into his face and saw that his face was pleading, ready to hang on to every word she would say. "You didn't even need to ask me that," she whispered softly, pulling him into a warm embrace. She breathed in his smell of nature and the dew on grass.


Here once again. Mind the age. Plus: Alicia is shy, right? Other than that it seems a bit like an overkill (the kiss also). They just seem so much older and so this scene is quite a contradiction to the rest.

I did enjoy reading this, but I think you should work on it. If there is anything I can halp you with just PM me :)

Looking forward to more!

All the best
~Kalliope :)




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Tue Mar 11, 2008 4:37 am
Izzyeyore says...



Yeah, I know what you guys mean about it, but still, regardless of age, this was A-Mazinggg!!!


Great job, and I, too am addicted to this :D




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Tue Mar 11, 2008 2:38 am
Moony wrote a review...



yeah I agree with the first two people arent these people supposed to be 13 and 14 I mean they are only 2grades ahead of me I know 9th graders who havent even kissed their bf or gf on the cheeks, I am addicted to this series though I am completely in love with this


keep up the good work!!!




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Sat Mar 08, 2008 8:37 pm
aestar101 wrote a review...



You got me addicited to this story. Keep on writing. I'm listing to Finally by Fergie and it matches Alicia feelings after the kiss. I somewhat agree with Fall_Into_The _Sky's comment about the charaters being older. How old are the characters? 13 and 14 year love is innocent and full of taking risks. I doubt Dylan would be whipering in her ear asking her to go out with him. Too seductive for that age, mabye it would work if they were 16, 17,or 18. I might be rebuttling myself right now, I know 13 year olds in 7th grade who dead on made out and other things, but those people were too loose (if you catch my drift). Overall, this was good. Can't wait for Chapter 4!!! :D :D :D :D




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Sat Mar 08, 2008 8:17 pm



One word more

Also the characters seem older.
Especially because of the passionate kiss..
How old r they 13 ... 14?





The only person I know for certain I am better than is the person I used to be.
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