Just Think of me This Time
You saw that single, wilting rose,
And reached to pluck it.
I stopped your groping hand,
And murmured no, it was too beautiful.
I saw the moon and those stars,
Blended together in the clear, black sky.
You pointed at them,
And dubbed them ‘our stars and moon’.
We rocked out to our favorite song,
Singing into home-made mics.
We heard them talk about us,
And we just laughed with them.
Sometimes I see that lonely rose,
But I know I can’t pluck it.
Sometimes I hear that favorite song on the radio,
And I have to sing along.
CHORUS:
Just think of me this time,
When you see the lonely rose.
Just think of me now,
When see ‘our’ stars and moon.
Don’t hesitate to think of us,
Because you know I’m thinkin’ of you too.
Just think of me,
When you hear our favorite song.
Just think of me,
When you hear them talk of before,
When I still though of you,
And you of me.
We’ve walked past the angry crowds,
And held our heads up high.
We’ve walked through the enemy,
And smiled in spite of it all.
We walked through a friendly crowd,
Holding our heads high, but not as high as then.
We shook hands with new friends,
Smiling, but not as widely as before.
Now we walk past each other,
Our heads bowed low.
Now we walk through each other’s yards,
Our smiles and grins turned sober.
But when you walk by my house,
Do you turn around, hoping to see me with open arms,
As often as I do?
CHORUS
I see you in that rose,
Staring sweetly and forlornly up at me.
I see you in ‘our’ stars,
Twinkling at me up above.
I hear you sing along,
Whenever I turn on that song.
I hear you on their lips,
Whenever they talk in the hall.
Do you see me there too,
Bringing back memories to make the coldest heart thaw?
Do you hear my voice too,
Laughing gayly by your side?
Do you still think of me,
As the friend that I still am?
CHORUS 2x
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Wait.
You didn't tell me this was a song. I'm not that great at critiquing these so I'm sorry if this isn't that helpful. First off, this had a chorus, therefore, it's a... song. Am I right? So it shouldn't be in the poetry forum.
Next, to be truthful, this isn't the greatest I've read so far. I actually whisper-sing as I read these just to see how it might sound, and it didn't have very much of a beat that I could find. There were places that sounded like they fit together, but some of them didn't...
You should probably try dubbing them something else because saying you saw moon and stars then named them our moon and stars isn't that creative. You repeat "moon and stars" a lot, which kind of bothered me at times. Maybe you should just leave off stars and moon on the last line of the quote and just say 'And dubbed them ours'?
Keep one or the other, sweetly and forlornly seems a little much and disrupts the flow. I'd keep forlornly. ^_^
Just for fun, I think you should change the bottom line to just 'twinkling up above' to fit the one above it.
Change turn on to hear.
In spite of what?...
I really don't like this line because of 'but not as high as then.' You just put that you walked through the enemy and held your head up high. Then, when you walk through a friendly, little crowd your heads aren't as high as before?
Since this a song I can't really ask you to write why their heads aren't as high and they aren't smiling as widely, but it seems a bit rushed to me--changing like that I mean. So... I guess that all I have to say for right now. It was pretty good and I liked the chorus, that was my favorite part.
If you want anything else critiqued just PM me!
^_^ - kittykat