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Young Writers Society


16+ Language

That's My Voice

by sumedha245


Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for language.

My songs are never heard, you do not know me

My voice has been suppressed, I know not why.

Is this what you call destiny? Or a wicked turn of fate?

To be harassed , exploited : I wonder where my fault lay.

I made a mistake, it seems, by trusting people

By loving them, and hoping they would do the same

I was wrong , my expectations were of no consequence,

And now, I have been reduced to a mere cripple.

You have heard so many tales,

I was never given a patient hearing , you have never heard mine,

It may be drab, for you men who engage in work of noble note

Give me a chance , give me justice , I know you are righteous

Believe me , my pain is excruciating

And no more can I bear it.

You are adamant , my well-being is of no interest to you

The world is gonna be a better place without me , I know.

But your cold indifference made me suffer, do you know that?

Of course, you don't.

Now, thanks to you , I am an out-caste

Don't bother , I won't break down , I won't get hurt

I have ceased to be a normal human a long time ago.

Others still speak, they reign over me,

They have given me a list of the dos and the don't s

No choice, but to follow, I swallow down my tears

I'm afraid I cannot help it,

But my silence still hasn't spoken to you,

I wonder , why.


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841 Reviews


Points: 664
Reviews: 841

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Sat Feb 03, 2018 9:23 pm
Radrook wrote a review...



Radrook here to provide a review. Please note that if I offend in any way manner or form it was totally unintentional and I offer my apology beforehand. I only provide my opinion to help others become better writers and nothing else. That having been said:

Thanks for this poem concerning the plight of women. Please note that I understand it to be a reference to women in the Third World countries since women in the industrialized West are doing quite well and in some cases do even better than men in terms of employment. I guess this is due in a large part to the Women’s Liberation Movement which actively struggled to do away with the unfair discriminatory practices that were very prevalent at one time such as unequal pay for equal work and not being allowed to vote, restrictions from certain colleges and professions, permission od wife beating, and not paid leave of absence from employment during the time missed for giving birth. All these are no longer in force in the Western World. However, in countries which are ruled by Islamic traditions women are definitely treated in a far more severe way then men are. Some are even allowed to be disfigured are put to death when they are found to be unfaithful to their husbands. Others are forced to undergo ritual female circumcision which causes them lifelong health problems. till others are used by the husbands as unpaid farm labor or as part of a harem. In such countries the lamentation expressed in the poem is certainly very relevant indeed.

Here is an article that goes into other details such as forced prostitution and violence and child neglect
http://www.wrecked.org/community/injust ... nst-women/

Suggestions
The poem can be improved by fewer commas and by using the period whenever a full sentence is employed.




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12 Reviews


Points: 357
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Sat Feb 03, 2018 8:16 pm
NerdTrash6000 wrote a review...



Hello, there! I'm actually quite happy I stumbled across this poem. I like the message a lot, and I think this poem illustrates it well, however, I noticed that it needed some revision or editing because the flow was a little bit off, or a couple things didn't really make sense to me. The following things are merely suggestions, so please don't feel obligated to follow them if you don't agree with them.

One thing that I noticed (and sort of bothered me, strictly because it sounded a bit off to me) was the second line: "My voice has been suppressed, I know not why." I feel as though the second half of this line should be rewritten, as it sorta throws the reader off. Perhaps something like, "My voice has been suppressed, but I can't find the reason"

On the fourth line, this isn't necessarily a big thing, when you say "lay" I think it would be better to use "lie" because it sounds a little weird to say "lay" when referring to where things fall, rather than putting something down.

When you say, "I made a mistake, it seems, by trusting people" I think it might sound better if you say "humanity." The word "people" just seems a bit too colloquial.

The seventh line is a bit unclear to me. "I was wrong , my expectations were of no consequence," just doesn't make a lot of sense to me. I would suggest rewriting it so it made more sense.

The next two lines are both a bit difficult for me to understand as well:

"I was never given a patient hearing , you have never heard mine,

It may be drab, for you men who engage in work of noble note"

My difficulty in understanding might be my own fault, but I think you should read through this again to reword some things.

Line fourteen (if I'm counting correctly) can be reworded to sound a bit more clear; You could say "I can no longer endure it." instead of "And no more can I bear it."

Now, the next few lines aren't gigantic problems in the poem, but I wanted to point out some stuff:

"The world is gonna be a better place without me , I know." sounds a little odd. I feel as though it can be worded a bit differently. How about, "You said the world is gonna be a better place without me" or "You say the world will be better without me/But if it's true, why am I alive?"

The line "But your cold indifference made me suffer, do you know that?" is one of my favorites, so there's nothing wrong with it, but the part afterward is what throws me off again.

"Of course, you don't." sounds somewhat forced. Perhaps you could cut it out, or replace it with something that strengthens the message of your poem.

"Now, thanks to you , I am an out-caste" I think here, you need to change "out-caste" simply to "outcast" or perhaps to "an unspoken pariah."

"Don't bother , I won't break down , I won't get hurt" I think you can change this line merely to, "Your bitter, twisted words can no longer break me."

Something I've started to notice upon closer look was that, although your intent is to give a voice to women who don't have that opportunity to be heard, it seems like a majority of this poem is you being angry with one person, and your individual issues. This could just me be being dumb and misinterpreting (hence, these are all just suggestions.) but I think you should focus more on using "we" in reference to a group of women rather than just yourself. I feel as though you can paint a very different picture depending on how you word things and make it somehow more hopeful. Perhaps you can reference empowering female icons, or refer to yourself/other women as powerful creatures (examples: In one line, perhaps you could say, "I'm the tigress that decided her own direction/we are the valkeries who refuse your orders").

The last line caught me, too, for a very small reason: "I wonder , why." I don't think you need a comma here. I think it should be removed from the line. "I wonder why." just sounds somehow more powerful.

I think you have so much potential to become a professional poet, but I believe you need to reread your work out loud to yourself. I think this poem is really good, in terms of message, but the wording will throw off the reader. You have such a poetic mind, and I'm glad I got the opportunity to read this. Happy writing!





But there was no goat man, there was NEVER any goat man!
— OSP Red